Elaine Hanzak-Gott on postnatal illness and bereavement due to Clive Gott

How do you say hello?

2012-01-28T21:12:00.001Z

Last night I had the pleasure of babysitting my niece for a couple of hours. Since Christmas her speech has come on in leaps and bounds and it was wonderful to be greeted with 'Hello Elaine', a smile and a wave all at the same time!

Isn't it amazing how quickly children learn the most effective way to greet others? Do you still remember the importance of making someone feel acknowledged or even better - special?

I went shopping with a friend a few days ago. I wonder how many potential sales are gained or lost through initial greetings? We actually walked out of some shops because the sales people ignored us! In one it was quite clear we could have used some help but the 'assistants' continued their personal conversations and completely ignored us! Do you make or break sales with your warmth or lack of it?

I often remind health professionals the importance of a warm greeting. It can make the difference between an excellent and poor experience. I am currently reading 'Blink - The Power of Thinking without Thinking' by Malcom Gladwell. I was fascinated by his reference to the fact that people do not tend to sue doctors who have been kind to them if mistakes appear to have been made, yet will almost queue up to take those who have been off-hand and rude to court! How much more understanding are you with someone you feel that has been pleasant with you?

My sister Claire and I watched a DVD together when she came home last night - 'Julie and Julia' - 'Julia Child's story of her start in the cooking profession is intertwined with blogger Julie Powell's 2002 challenge to cook all the recipes in Child's first book'. I found Meryl Streep's voice to be a bit irritating after a while but I did find a great deal of empathy with the 'blogger'. I smiled when initially both she and others questioned why she should blog - what was the point? Who would read it?

I also understood how she began to let it become an 'addiction' and took over other aspects of her life, as I did last year. At times I found myself 'in a moment' and instead of either enjoying it, or otherwise, I was wondering how I would write about it! I remembered how I would exhaust myself in the process and the burning 'need' to post a blog. I also had the 'meltdown' moments of 'why bother' and at times wanted to stop it completely and once or twice delete the whole lot! I especially liked the point where she wants to give up but prompted by her mother, continues. I just wonder if mine will become a book or a film!

Today I have spent a wonderfully relaxed afternoon with my family. My niece Indra is back from Zimbabwe for a few weeks with her daughter Alana. They came up with Annie, my sister-in-law and Kerita, my other niece. Along with my parents, brother, nephew and Claire, Martin and Sophie we had a very mellow few hours. It was fascinating to watch Alana and Sophie play together and how they interacted.

There are many more pictures here. My Mum commented that we don't need to invite guests for a party - there are enough of us to begin with!

Sadly Dominic could not join us due to GCSE revision. He is developing his skills as a photographer, when revision allows. Have a look at his work here. I am a proud Mum!

I have had messages from people asking me how I am. I really appreciate this. I have to say that I am okay. I feel settled into my new home and love being amongst my family. I am spending my 'working hours' on my new website which will be up within weeks. I am very excited about it. I am looking forward to speaking in Leeds on 15th March for the Customer Service Training Network. See you there?

The charity that I am trustee of, The Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation , is going from strength to strength and we have many plans for the future. Fellow trustee Ann Girling and I are busy booking more workshops aimed at teams in Children's Centres.

I have been affected by problems with my email over the last few weeks - apologies if you have sent me something but I may not have received it. My email appears to be working again now. Phew!

Through it all my memories of Clive of course remain. I am extremely aware that we are approaching the anniversary of his death. At my sister's today we found a newspaper that had been dropped behind a piece of furniture. The date - 19th February 2011 - that day Clive died. I felt a cold shiver down my spine. Little did we know that the morning that newspaper was bought, within hours he would have gone. On the front of it was an advert for a DVD of 'Larkrise to Candleford' - we had loved watching that series together.

Clive was a great believer in 'letting go and moving on'. He encouraged all those in his audiences to make positive choices. To be the best they could be. He had a very powerful way of saying hello - who can forget those 'bear hug' greetings to male and female alike? He made many of us feel very special. I continue to receive messages from people saying how he is missed and what impact he had made on their lives. Me too.

However, he would never take the credit for that. He used to dismiss the idea that he was a 'motivational' speaker because he said he would simply share his experiences and ideas - if we made different actions and choices because of that, then he was delighted to have helped but ultimately he would have reminded us that we are all responsible for ourselves.

It broke my heart when Clive died. Saying good bye before they took his body from our home has to be the worse thing that has happened to me ('so far', he'd say, as you never know what's ahead!). I used to love our 'hellos'. A 'hello' means the start of something.

I chose now to say 'hello' to my future, yet never forgetting who I had to say goodbye to.

Today surrounded by my family, Annie and I reflected on how quickly our children have grown. Claire was saying that although our bodies age we still feel the same inside. I know what she means but experience does change us.

I want to make sure that when someone picks up a newspaper printed the last day of mine on this earth, that they too can say that I made a positive impact on the world - as many say Clive did -right from that first 'hello'.

How will you make your 'hello' memorable?

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Take pride in how far you have come .....

2012-01-18T13:04:00.000Z

I remember a conversation with my friend Chris Bingley several months ago as we shared our respective journeys of bereavement. His for his wife Joe (see her foundation details here) and me for the loss of my partner, Clive Gott. He said that you never 'get over' them but you do learn to carry on. Also that when you least expect it - wham! - grief gets you right between the eyes. Well right now this is one of those moments! (Oh dear, I hear you say!)

Using my analytical thinking, why today? Why now? I have written over the last two months how much happier I have been, having moved back near my family. I am excited that son Dominic is coming for his tea with me later; that I shall be looking after my niece for a few hours in the morning then having coffee and toast with my parents. I love my new cottage and my new car. I have learnt to focus and concentrate again - currently working on getting more workshops booked with Children's Centres. I am meeting up with old friends and new. So why this morning has a real pang of grief over Clive hit me?

Part of it is the realisation that almost a year has passed since he died. I have started to ask myself and others have how will I spend 19th February, the anniversary of his death. I really don't know. I watched Dancing on Ice on Sunday night, cosy and happy in my cottage with wonderful company. One of the acts danced to 'Summer of 69'. In an instance I was back on the pitch at Headingley ...

I felt all the sensations. Since then it has been just a thought away again. I have been reminded of the pain. The shock. The dismay.

This morning began with a call from our friend Molly Harvey. Her career is riding high and next week she will present for Forever Living Products at the event that Clive did last year. It was, in his words, 'his finest hour - it was what he had been working for his whole life'. He truly was magnificent that day, as those who were in the audience would have agreed. He had his new book out; his new keynote sussed and successful. He had lost weight using their products and sheer determination and drive. I am thrilled that Molly will be there this year instead. I felt the grief for what we all have lost.

I have finally got back into watching the news - for so long I could not bear to be brought down by so much doom and gloom so avoided it. Of course the last few days it has been headlined by the cruise liner disaster. My heart goes out to all those involved, as I am sure millions of us who have had the pleasure of a cruise will have empathised. Having loved our cruise a year last September, that has also brought back memories.

I still receive messages from people who knew Clive and they tell me of how he impacted on their lives. For the support, inspiration, friendship and laughter he gave. The last few days I have had some of those too which have affected me. As I attended to emails this morning from out of nowhere the tears flowed!

I decided that I needed 'a dose of Clive' and watched this for the first time in months.

Incredible. That's where I am today - content yet unhappy 'in the moment'. I loved to hear him say he had 'enough'. I do feel a great deal of comfort from the fact that when Clive died, he felt he had all he wanted. He was working hard to maintain what he had. He didn't have enough of one thing - time.

It was good to hear his voice and hear his laugh. It was good to be reminded of the amazing man he was. Being apart from my family when I lived with Clive was tough. I now am back with them but without him.

I was at a workshop on Friday and a comment was made that I was now at a position of 'stability' upon which to rebuild my life and grow. I have been feeling that. It's just shaken a little today.

For a moment I hesitated if to share these feelings. I took the decision to do so because I have to acknowledge that it is okay to feel like this. It is completely understandable. Clive meant a great deal to me and many others. I know that we all will 'have our moments'. He wasn't a saint. He had his flaws as we all do but he was a man who has left his mark on the world. By sharing I hope it helps others to realise that even though your general direction is upwards and strong, sometimes it is okay to have a little wobble. Go with it and then move on again. Be kind to yourself. As Clive would have said 'stop shoulding all over yourself', e.g. ' I shouldn't feel like this after 11 months'. Who says?

Our good friend Paul McGee would say this was a 'hippo' time. A little wallow every now and then is okay.

So what would Clive be saying to me now? For starters it would be 'get dressed'!!! I still have my dressing gown on in the office (something he would be very cross about)! He would then give me a hug; let me cry and point out I had a very red nose! He would then ask what was I going to do about it or simply say 'this too will pass and make you stronger'.

Clive often told me that I needed to believe more in myself and what I am capable of. On reflection this year I have done many things I previously would have doubted. I feel now he would be reminding to consider all of that. As I type my eyes just noticed the card I keep on my desk:

'Take pride in how far you have come, and faith in how far you can go!'

(Christian Larson)

I guess I need to remember that. Smile at what we had and continue to plan for the future - including a way to celebrate his life on the 19th February.

So what are you beating yourself up about? As I say to people - be your own best friend and be kind to yourself.

For me that starts with boiled eggs and soldiers!!

Elaine xx

www.hanzak.com

P.S. Clive's brother Malcolm read this and reminded me of this lion which Clive bought for him .... thank you xx

Why I do what I do around postnatal depression .....

2012-01-14T17:08:00.000Z

On Tuesday 17th January it will be seven years since my book 'Eyes without Sparkle - a journey through postnatal illness' was published. Only this week I received a humbling email from a lady who is currently suffering from the same illness and tells me that my story is giving her hope and 'getting her through'. That was why I shared what happened - it gives comfort to those who feel that the blackness will never end.

Since my book was published my life has changed, initially from leaving my teaching career to begin a new one as a speaker and advocate around maternal mental health. My marriage ended and I began new life in Yorkshire with fellow speaker, Clive Gott, who died suddenly last year. I am now back in Cheshire with my family and rebuilding my life again. I have determination, support and hope to find happiness again. I was told nothing and no-one could have saved Clive the day he died. His heart and arteries were beyond repair. I get comfort from that. The pain of bereavement is the worse I have ever faced.

If there was something or someone that could have avoided this pain then I would want to fight about it. I would want to avoid others from the devastation I have felt.

That is where my dearest friend Chris Bingley now is. His wife Joanne (Joe) took her own life whilst suffering from postnatal illness. He is in this position. As a trustee for the charity in her name now I am determined to join him in his call to action to avoid others families unnecessarily left bereft in such a way.

Currently Chris is on the media trail to highlight the charity and its aims.

I am listening to BBC Radio Leeds from last Wednesday 11th January (2 - 3 pm) when Chris was interviewed by Liz Green. I urge you to listen and share it. I know what happened but listening to Chris describe it all with such dignity, honesty and passion is truly inspirational.

Also here is the link to the article which appeared in the Yorkshire Post last week.

Please help us in the charity to spread the awareness about postnatal illness and call for more services to help families. The concept of 'just' postnatal depression needs to be shattered. As Chris says 'my wife died because we didn't get information which could have cost 70p.'

Chris is an incredible man. I am humbled and privileged to know him. His story has fuelled my desire and purpose to make early parenthood happier and easier for others.

Chris and I at Joe's charity launch

Please help us. Visit the Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation website and sign up for our newsletters on developments and how you can help.

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Can someone else please tell BT that Clive Gott has died?

2012-01-10T12:15:00.002Z

Now my regular readers will know that I give credit where it is due. I love to be able to share my many positive experiences with my blog readers all over the world, for example, in my last post on buying a car. I may mention where I have had service that could be better but I don't usually name them - I prefer to give them the opportunity to rectify the situation.

However, next month Clive will have been dead for a year. Is it TOO much to expect a national company - BT - to continue to send me bills in his name at this stage? They were informed within a few weeks of his death BUT THEY CONTINUE!!

Even now I have moved house they are redirected to me here IN HIS NAME!!! I am almost past the severe emotional distress it caused me before I moved - when I would literally sit at the bottom of the stairs and sob my heart out at the reminder AGAIN that he has gone - see my previous blog http://elainehanzak.blogspot.com/2011/09/how-good-is-your-customer-service.html
However, this morning AGAIN I have received my final bill reminder in his name and once again I am in tears - out of exasperation this time!

I have emailed numerous times, written and spoken to team members in customer service at BT, each time being assured that his name is off their database - yet still they come!!!! This morning I have lost my patience and therefore ask you to Tweet, Facebook, etc. about this! When I was at the Professional Speaking Association conference in October, which I wrote about here, I was talking about my dilemma then. The fellow diners suggested I named and shamed as within our network messages go global within minutes! Someone said how they had tweeted about poor service and within an hour they had the relevant head office on the phone!

So can you join me in getting my message to a company who refuse to listen and apparently do not care? My heart goes out to elderly widows and widowers who may have the same problem. Imagine how painful it must be to them months on if the same has happened? Why do BT insist on causing the pain of grief to be a constant reminder. They got my name right on my bank account immediately - so why can't they understand that the incredible Clive Gott has passed away?

Can you let them know please because for once I really am at a loss to know what to do?

In the meantime I need some Shayne!!

By the way - I signed up with Sky in my new home who have been great!

PS. After posting this I was given an email address by a friend to someone at BT. Within a couple of hours this matter was dealt with but what a shame I had to resort to this. I have had others comment that the same issue arises on divorce and a wish for BT to show more compassion. I have been told they will send me a survey to complete so that 'lessons can be learned'. I do hope so.

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Baby you can drive my car ....

2012-01-09T22:15:00.001Z

As 2012 gets under way I have found myself having to make another choice. This month my trusty Fiat Punto, which I have owned since it was new in January 2005, is due for tax, insurance and MOT. At 87,000 miles this was going to hurt!

You may have read about my windscreen wipers breaking a few weeks ago. My confidence in my car has been shaken as warning lights have also started to flash. We had intended to change it last year but due to Clive's death many plans have not happened as originally intended.

So the search began last week. I have become skilled at using Autotrader and had several phone calls and trips to car sales places on my own. I have never shopped for a car on my own before. It was interesting to witness the various 'stereotypes' of car sales people!

One car I viewed was pretty grotty - as soon as I sat in it I could smell cigarettes and stale take-aways. However I knew there was a similar car further away so I asked if I could take it for a test drive on that basis - if I liked the type of car I would venture to view the other one. The salesman simply gave me the keys and I manoeuvred it off the forecourt; up to the M53 and back again.

On my return I re-parked it exactly how I had found it. The man appeared and in an amazed tone said.

'Wow! That was good parking ... we could use you here'.

The pause in the middle I suggested he meant 'for a woman' which he denied!

I didn't like the car. I left.

At another garage I was treated with the 'oh you're a woman on your own so I can pull the wool over your eyes and simply ask what colour you want'.

I didn't like his patronising manner. I left.

I went back to Autotrader and found another car I might like. I phoned the next day to be told that one had gone but they had others I might like. So I drove to Wigan. When I arrived the salesman was on his mobile phone and ignored me for a few moments whilst he finished his personal call (not that I was eavesdropping of course). He gained a point for realising that it was me that he had spoken to earlier. When I asked what else he had to show me he just gestured to the cars outside - 'have a look' he said - and continued his call.

I don't like being ignored. I left.

Also in Wigan I went to look at another car - when I found the garage - behind a cafe and a closed roller shutter door! I actually liked the shiny red car I had gone to see but the surroundings and elderly man smoking and 'dodgy' feel put me off. However, I decided that I wouldn't be so judgemental and give him a chance. That was until he made horrible comments about my car and offered me peanuts for it!

I don't like anyone insulting something or someone I love! I left.

By Saturday I had got down to a shortlist of three - top of my budget, middle and sensible! I took a friend with me who knows more about cars than me.

The first garage (sensible price) I hadn't been to by myself but I had spoken to 'Andy' on the phone who had been very pleasant. So we had a look at the Punto I was interested in - older than mine but less than half the mileage and in great condition. One snag was that ideally having my niece now nearby to pick up sometimes, a 5 door car would be easier - this one was 3. Otherwise everything else about it was fine. Andy was charming, without being a creep, gave us the keys and said he would not push us but invited us to explore the car. We did so. He then invited us into the warm office and gave us a copy of the warranty he would offer and when we explained we had others to view, gave us his card and said that if he could do anything above what he already was offering, then to ring and give him a chance.

We liked the car and him - we might go back to MC Garages .....

Next was the mid-range car. The garage owner had said the previous day that changing my private plate over 'could be tricky' and that I shouldn't expect much for mine! He might give me a fraction more if it was MOT'd. However, I did like the car he had for sale so risked going back. The 'wind-up' windows made me smile in memory of one of Clive's keynotes when he had a story about self-control and road-rage - he'd make a joke about having a car with manual windows. The salesman refused to budge on anything. No negotiation at all.

My friend didn't like his stubbornness. We left.

At this point I suddenly felt very emotional. I realised that I would be saying goodbye to my blue car that has seen me through an incredible few years. I have been ecstatic and excited in that car - and hysterically distraught. When Clive had his knee operations in the final months of his life I had driven him many places in this car. That too was now going. Another sign of 'moving on'.

Finally we went for my top range one. I had liked the young girl who had originally showed me this car, in the absence of her boss. She had been helpful before I went, via email and phone. She offered me a great price for mine and I was keen to go back. Having made the comment above about women only choosing a car on it's colour I admit that this one wasn't bright enough for me! I like to be bright! This one was black. Beyond that it was a 'bargain' due to water damage and then being refitted. Hmmm. Maybe trouble in future?

We were concerned about the car although their service was great. We left to think.

So the decision was down to the dear one and the cheapest. So what was it to be? The shiny black 5 door with on 8,000 miles or the bright yellow one?

We called at my parents and a family 'conflab' was held including my sister! I decided we'd give Andy the chance he'd asked for. He then offered a bit more for my car plus road tax! Job done!

We went back to do the paperwork and again he was charming. He was so passionate and enthusiastic about his job and that came across. He will sort out all my paperwork for me and get me some new plates made up.
So on Wednesday I pick up my yellow Punto. And it just happens to match my new branding ...

So was my choice made just on the colour? It helped but basically I feel my choices were mainly directed by other people!

How many people do you influence by your manner? Do you appear friendly and helpful like Andy or disinterested and insulting like some of the others I came across?

On reflection my new car experience has again been impacted by the three aspects I keep referring to:-

1. Choice
2. Communication - this influenced my choices as I have described. Incidentally, the 'black car' garage, VIP car sales, replied to my email, informing them that I had decided against their car, in such a lovely manner that I would go back to them another time.
3. Caring - Andy cared. He got the sale. Not only that - my friend has asked him to look out for a dream car for him!

I now have to compromise - any one got a spare car seat for a 2 year old I can have permanently in the back of my new car for Sophie, to make life easier and safer?!

What will you do today to positively influence someone?

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Sharp knives and wet kitchen floors!

2012-01-05T11:06:00.000Z

Whilst I was washing up last night I remembered to leave the sharp knife out out the water until I was going to immediately wash it. I smiled as I recalled that it was something that Clive was adamant that I do. He would tell me the story of someone he had known that had taken the top clean off their finger by not being aware of a sharp knife lurking under the bubbles. He wanted to protect me. That story and advice is now part of my daily routine. My knowledge. My experience. A bitter sweet memory of Clive with his arms around me as I washed up (or he did).

That made me think of how others can impact upon us. I was away over New Year with my family in the Lake District. My brother-in-law Martin was often warning his toddler daughter to 'mind that head'. I guess we do it all of the time to those we love and want to keep safe. Yet I also reflected on how I teach myself advice. When I arrived back to my cottage the kitchen floor was flooded! For a couple of hours I had no heat either and stayed wrapped in a blanket on the settee feeling very glum. The rest of my family were still away; Dom was busy; I felt my mood slipping. I began to spiral into 'poor me' mode!

Then I gave myself a metaphorical slap! What would I advise others?
Choices - I could have easily gone to my parents or sisters homes for the night. I still had most of the basics in the house. All I had to do was wait for help which did arrive. As I listened to the wind I counted my blessings and thought of those who are homeless. I have so much to be grateful for. I had also chosen to come home earlier for a reason I wasn't sure of until I opened the back door!
Communication - I wasn't cut off. I had communicated with my landlord the problem and within a couple of hours he had got me sorted out. I hadn't just let the problem build up. I had taken action, asked for and received help graciously. I had done something. I just needed to remind myself of that! I wasn't wallowing and allowing more water to flood out.
Caring - I cared for my cottage and gave the landlord the opportunity to do so for both of our sakes! I cared for myself - I wanted to be safe and warm. I also allowed a good friend to care for me as they listened to my 'tale of woe' and some self pity before I talked myself back up! They also reminded me of my language - I had slipped into using 'try' and 'not too bad' instead of positive alternatives! So today I WILL take some constructive actions and acknowledge that life is okay and going to get even better!

I now have heat again - and a very clean kitchen floor!

Yesterday afternoon I also had a call out of the blue from a friend from Tadcaster just asking me how I was - much appreciated. Who can you call today and just say 'I was thinking of you'?

I now have a space both mentally and physically to plan and grow for 2012. I want to Dream Big! I am also prepared to take action too! Are you?

So what is it that you teach others and follow yourself?
What will people remember about you when you are no longer there?
What are your dreams and what will you DO to make them happen?

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

A New Year

2012-01-02T12:39:00.000Z

‘An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.’ Bill Vaughn

Did you stay up? Which camp were you in? I confess I was in both!

2011 for me was undoubtedly the toughest I have faced (so far - as Clive would have said, as we cannot predict the future). It was worse for me than when I had puerperal psychosis and was in a psychiatric hospital after having my wonderful son. In many ways the illness ‘protected’ me and I suspect it was worse for those around me. Yet losing Clive so suddenly in February was awful. In an instance my life was turned upside down – emotionally, physically, financially, professionally. Readers of my blog have been with me on the journey since then and boy, have there been some dark times! There have also been some lighter moments and those which have made me smile.

On New Year’s Eve I went back though my diary and summarised the main events and experiences I have had in 2011. I was amazed on reflection! I have lost an incredible man – we all have – yet my diary reflects a varied and, taking emotion out of it, interesting list. I now feel far stronger, balanced and less upset than I was in previous months and have begun to realise now the extreme highs and lows I was functioning on. The ‘rollercoaster’ is now a much more gentle ride.

I thought back to last New Year’s Eve which I spent in Tadcaster with Clive and we went to some of the local pubs with Lynn, his sister, and Rod, her husband (below).

Clive and Rod

Lynn and I

Now I look at these I can see that Clive didn’t look well then. He was determined in the ‘New Year’ to lose weight and pushed himself to the limit to do so. Seven weeks later his heart gave up and Clive Gott left us.

My sadness for 2011 is for the loss of him and our relationship. Our hopes, dreams, goals, plans. Our home and how we were building it together. Our friendships; our social life; our professional lives. All gone. It is the past. Clive wrote his last book ‘It’s not your time, it’s the time you have’, with the focus on making the most of ‘now’. My greatest legacy to him has to be to do that. To let go. To move on.

That doesn’t mean forget. It doesn’t mean what we had wasn’t special or to be brushed aside as if it didn’t happen. It did and it was an amazing time. I now choose to smile when I remember instead of crying.

Coping with grief has been another journey – similar to depression – yet due to an event, not an illness.

So I could say that 2011 was an awful year but that would write off 365 days and nights. The first seven weeks were with Clive. Since his death my relationships with many others have grown, decreased, been rebuilt or even begun. I now have people around me that I didn’t realise how important they would become to me. I recommend Bob Beaudine’s book ‘The Power of Who’. We often seek new people when actually the support we need is already around us, if we can only recognise it, ask for it and appreciate it graciously. I now do!

I have pushed myself professionally to give presentations when I was ‘raw’ with emotion, yet that now gives me the strength and determination to do more, with the added confidence that ‘if I could do it then, I can do it anytime’! Being given the opportunity to be a coach, via telephone, has taught me to listen and that it isn’t always ‘all about me’!! The experience of rebuilding my life due to the loss of another, has given me a broader audience for inspirational speaking and writing. Living on my own for the first time has taught me how to be responsible for running a home, even if it just to put the bins out on the right day!

Another huge positive step forward is actually going 'back' - to be with my own family. It was a big wrench to leave behind the home I shared with Clive but I had begun to be increasingly lonely there and holding onto something that had gone. Living within a 10 minute radius again of my son, parents, sister and niece has given me the strong basis on which to grow and develop in 2012. To be back to give and be part of my family on a daily basis is wonderful. I shall remain in touch with Clive's family and the friends I made over in Yorkshire - just that I shall be making the journey over the M62 less.

Sophie and I Christmas day 2011

I am also just down the road from my friend and colleague Ann Girling and we are looking forward to expanding our workshops on postnatal depression, especially to Children's Centres. Our roles within the Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation look to grow along with the charity. I shall be looking to renew my reputation as an inspirational speaker at conferences and my work with the Open University. My support for individuals through Greatvine and a coach will continue too.

So I am looking forward to 2012 and all that it may bring. I leave you for now with these sentiments of one of Clive's favourite songs - I have to agree with them, even if he is no longer in my physical world.

So are you going to be the pessimist or optimist?

Happy New Year!

Elaine

xx
www.hanzak.com

Happy Christmas memories

2011-12-25T12:24:00.000Z

I am in the lucky position of having my Christmas lunch made for me (thanks Mum!) and waiting for a lift (thanks Martin and Claire) and am all ready. So whilst I have a few moments I just thought that I'd reflect ...

Today is the first day I have woken up in a house on my own on Christmas morning. I could hear the beautiful sound of the church bells. I wasn't sad as I woke, imagining all the scenes across the world of children excitedly playing with presents. I remembered last Christmas morning - the only one I was actually with Clive before I dashed across the M62 to be with my son and the rest of the family.

Today I shall not be seeing any of the M62 - the first in 3 years! As I munched my toast I listened to Ed Stewart's Junior Choice with memories flooding back. I thought of Clive and how we had listened to that programme last year with him singing along to many tunes! I recalled him singing 'Ernie' - ironically one of the tracks we played at his 'celebration' with the line 'He was only 52 - he didn't want to die'.

I remembered my grandparents and many of the Christmas joys and sagas we had with them!

I thought of Clive's family and how life has changed for them since we lost Clive. I thought of others who are facing their first Christmas without a loved one. I thought of my own family and how I shall spend the rest of today with my son, parents, siblings, brother-in-law and nieces and nephew.

My memories made me smile and it occurred to me that I could choose to spend the day dwelling on the past and being sad. Instead, although the sadness will be there, I choose to focus on the present and future and appreciate the people in my life now because today will be about making new memories.

Thank you to all of you have supported me through the loss of Clive. He will forever remain in my heart as a very special man and those of use who were fortunate to meet him were blessed - as many of you have told me. So please raise a glass to remember him, as we shall do today, but in the words of Christina Rossetti,

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you plann'd:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.
So have an amazing day today - smile and create new memories with your loved ones. They are likely to become very precious.

Merry Christmas!

Elaine xx

One night one moment - when will yours be?

2011-12-23T21:07:00.000Z

A couple of years ago Clive and I saw this trailer when we were at the cinema, for 'Nativity'.
Watch it here:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIqy5Li-BoY

I can't remember which film we saw but I do remember us commenting that we'd like to see this film. It was another thing we had planned but due to his sudden death, we never did. I could chose to avoid such activities we had intended to do but instead I feel it makes more sense to do them where I can. A bit like Rose at the end of 'Titanic' when the camera pans at the photos of all she did in her life after losing her love Jack!

So tonight I noticed that Nativity was being shown on BBC2 and decided to watch it. I settled down in my 'new' lounge in my little cottage. It was very hard to leave the house that Clive and I had made our home but I admit that I feel more at peace in my own neutral space. I am surrounded by our things but the setting is different. I am stunned at how well I am sleeping too. In the early months after losing Clive regular blog readers may recall how sleep was a massive problem. To turn out my light and then realise 8 hours has slipped by is incredible here. Being back in Cheshire near my family is lovely. I have been on my own today apart from my Dad 'popping in', which was great. He couldn't do that when I lived in Tadcaster.

Anyway - back to the film. I LOVED it! I admit that since I stopped teaching six years ago and Dom has passed the primary school 'magic' age for Christmas, I have not felt as festive. As a special school teacher we used to 'do' Christmas big time! Almost from October half-term the preparations began with cards, calendars and 'the play'. By the time the end of term arrived Christmas was truly in the heart and soul! Clive wasn't that keen on Christmas. He would bring a pre-decorated tree down from the loft on Christmas Eve and all signs would be gone by New Year's Eve! I also spent the last 3 Christmas Days split between Cheshire and Tadcaster on the M62 between my family and Clive.

Watching Nativity tonight reminded me of my teaching days. The excitement of the children. The stress of the staff! It was wonderful to see in the credits that the film is dedicated to 'inspirational teachers everywhere'.

There is also a loveable character in the film that reminded me of Clive - his confidence, fun and how he was admired by children. I recalled sessions he had given in schools to the groups often labelled as 'the trouble set'. The way he brought out the best in them was incredible.

As the film developed I felt a sense of sadness because Clive would have loved it. Why didn't we make the effort to go? How many things in life do we comment that we would like to do 'but never get round to'?

Is there something that you have said to a loved one that you want to do/go to/have? How many excuses have stopped you? I have begun a journal in my new home. I have started another 'wish list' in the back of it. After watching the film tonight I have decided that within the next week I shall make a least one of them HAPPEN!

Perhaps there will be 'One night one moment' which was the final song in the film?!

I was in tears at several bits in the film but not through sadness - it was pure enjoyment!

I highly recommend that if you want a feel good Christmas film, get a copy and watch it!

And what are you going to do that you have kept putting off?

Christmas wishes to you all,

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Happy Christmas and good luck Wayne Gott

2011-12-22T09:58:00.000Z

Every year for as long as I can remember I have written a Christmas card list and sent many cards to family, friends, neighbours, etc. 2011 has been an 'incredible' year. Losing Clive so suddenly has changed me and my life in so many ways. I have done things that I never expected and had to adjust to what happened. Perhaps this is a good time to do something else differently?

So I have decided to abandon my Christmas card list this year and put a donation instead to a worthy cause. During this year I have also been made aware of the pain and loss that people experience when losing a baby. Christmas is fundamentally about celebrating the birth of baby Jesus so what better time to think of those who have lost a pre-term baby or infant?

In September Clive's nephew Wayne and his partner Kirsty were expecting the arrival of their second son. Tragically baby Finlay was born asleep. At the hospital and in the weeks that followed they were helped and supported by the charity Sands for Stillborn and Neonatal deaths. Clive's niece Sue and husband Scott also lost baby Kyle earlier in the year.

Wayne has decided to do an impressive run and raise money for the charity on 26th September 2012, which would have been Finlay's 1st birthday. More details are here . Please share as appropriate.

So if I normally would have sent you a card please understand why I haven't this year. My very best wishes for you to have a Merry Christmas and healthy and happy 2012 remain! May I also add my thanks for your support during the last 10 months since Clive died. I would not be where I am now without you all.

Perhaps Clive will be looking after the 'little angels' just as he had begun to before he died? Here he is with great-nieces Ruby and Emily.

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

The Power of Three

2011-12-15T13:23:00.000Z

Isn’t it strange how ‘life’ seems to bring us events in 3’s? How often are we in danger of a couple of things going ‘wrong’ and then we almost expect a third? We then anticipate the prediction which so often happens and we are then in danger of letting everything else drag us down!

I could have felt like that on Monday. Last week I was driving along in my trusted blue Fiat Punto - we have travelled 86,000 miles together in the last 4 years! Apart from a puncture on the M6 after a PSA meeting in Birmingham it has never let me down. Oh – and another time the exhaust fell off in a dodgy area of Manchester I was in, following a diversion! The rest of the time it has served me well. I cannot complain. My Punto has been there with me in times of great joy and in other emotions! It has heard me sing along at the top of my voice to happy songs and equally supported me through the tears.

Sometimes I feel I have been disloyal to my Punto as I have given it another personality! Many moons ago at a PSA meeting I heard a great speech by Martin Flett who described how the power of visualisation had helped win him medals for weight-lifting. He described in detail how when he was laying on the bench to push up heavy weights, just at the point he felt he could go no further, he pictured his late father helping him – wow! That picture gave him the extra power to go on to succeed. Around that time I had wanted an Audi A4 cabriolet. At that PSA meeting I mentioned this to another speaker who suggested that I should go for a test drive – she said I should feel, hear, etc. my dream car to strengthen the image and motivation to have one.

So I went for a test drive. I didn’t like it! However, the canny salesman suggested I ‘sat’ in the Audi TT roadster. It was bright red. Cream leather interior. Bose sound system. It was a sunny day. I drove it round the block. I have never had lust for metal and leather before – but I did then! The image has stayed with me ever since. So often I have sat at traffic lights and imagined that my Punto was actually that red Audi TT!

Perhaps this is why then this week it has taken revenge on me?! In the middle of a city centre last week – crash! The back box of the exhaust gave up. Maybe it was feeling inadequate?!

Then on Monday I was en route across the M62 for a meeting and training with Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation. The windscreen wipers ‘died’ on me! A pair of helpful traffic officers helped me at a service station but shook their heads in a knowing ‘oooh – Punto. You’ll need the whole lot replacing’. I came off the M62 and found a garage in Heywood where the chap also shook his head and repeated ‘oooh – Punto. You’ll need the whole lot replacing’.

With an air of resignation I asked him how much and how soon he could do it.

‘It won’t be cheap and I might be able to do it by late afternoon’.

My immediate instinct was mature and sensible – I wanted to cry! I had been looking forward to the JMBF meeting and Powerpoint training given by Mandy from Altum-V. Instead I was facing a big bill and a wasted day.

My recent coaching training came into play instead. I asked the man what needed to be done in order to get my car back on the road as quickly as possible. With a few more sharp intakes of breath he suggested he could get ‘the lads’ to fit it between jobs. Success! By late morning job was done and I was back on the road. Thank you http://www.equipe.uk.com/heywood.aspx

Whilst I waited I had a coffee and sausage sandwich (comfort food!) in Morrison’s café. It was there I began to type this as I reflected on how easy it is to slip into negativity and allow a number of ‘bad’ things to let us spiral into a sea of dismay.

I could have wallowed in ‘it’s not fair’ and catalogued a whole list of happenings and situations that would ‘prove’ my life is a mess; I am overwhelmed; nothing goes my way, etc. etc. I could have snapped at the girl serving me at the counter. Instead I smiled at her and joined the banter she and a colleague were having. They were attempting to guess her middle name. Three letters. Began with ‘J’. I got it immediately – JOY!

So I sat munching my sausage sandwich and reflected on the many joys in my life.

I was grateful that my windscreen wipers had given up on me in daylight, at a time of day that they could be fixed – so often I have travelled late at night on wet and windy motorways – it could have been so much worse. I was warm and safe. For some people a new exhaust and a ‘big job’ on their car would ruin their Christmas – luckily for me I shall get by.
I am LOVING my new cottage. It has been very emotional leaving behind the home Clive and I had built together and remains painful on my return trips, as there are still things to be done there. Yet being back within the immediate reach of my family is wonderful. Magic moments so far have been Dom calling straight from school and me being able to give him an afternoon snack. Small thing but huge for me as this is a Mum’s pleasure that I have not been in a position to do for over three years.
My toddler niece Sophie now shouts ‘Laine’s house’ when we park outside. Watching Peppa Pig with her as she sits at the little tray table that Dom used to use brings such joy.
Being able to merely ‘drop in’ and have a drink with my parents is fantastic. I can tell that their worries have lessened about me knowing I am back in the area.
The warm ‘welcome back’ from my Cheshire friends has touched me as much as the messages of support from those I had made in Yorkshire.
I now look forward to spending Christmas and New Year in my new home. Of course it hurts that Clive is no longer around but I know he would be pleased with my decision as he gave his blessing for the idea weeks before he died. I have bought a little bin for my bathroom – it’s not pink as it would clash with the tiles – which had been my initial independent intention without a man to ‘tell me’ what I should choose! It is exciting to have my one home for the first time ever.

So after a Monday morning which put challenges in my way I continued on my journey. I put on my favourite Rascal Flatts CD and this tracked played…

Yes my road has been broken, as it does for many of us. Yet it has lead me to where I currently am – finding joy in life again.

Some people chose to spend their days hanging onto the past and living bitter lives, blaming others for where they are. I received a newsletter from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, who I heard speak when I attended a National Speakers Association convention in New York. His theme this week was about 3 ways to make a positive relationship.

1. Bring a bright spirit to every encounter.

That doesn't mean you have to be friends with everybody at work. You don't even have to like some of your coworkers or relatives. But you ... and only you ... can decide what kind of demeanor you bring to your meetings or get-togethers.

When I was speaking to the Alaska Association of Municipal Clerks, one member of the audience, Julie Cozzi, the Borough Clerk for Haines, Alaska, said it beautifully. She said, "Everyone brings joy to a room ... some when they enter, some when they leave."

Julie learned how to bring a bright spirit to every encounter. And in a similar manner, you can do the same thing. In fact, in these high-stress times, we desperately need people who bring a bright spirit to every encounter.

But ... you must choose to do it NOW ... no matter what is happening in your life or work. Unfortunately, as one person pointed out, most people choose to do it later ... when everything is going well ... when they're feeling better.

No! You've got to bring a bright spirit NOW ... not as one person said, "We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire."

"The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right NOW. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to he happy anyway."

"So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die to decide that there is no better time than right NOW to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination."

How do you do all that when times are tough? The author concluded by saying, "Work like you don't need the money, love like you you've never been hurt, and dance like no one's watching."

And then, to be a positive force in your personal and professional relationships,

2. Be more of a giver than a taker.

Many countries are on the verge of economic collapse ... many organizations are barely hanging on ... many teams are not working well ... and many relationships are falling apart ... because too many of the people in those countries, organizations, teams, and relationships are takers instead of givers. They're focused on taking on what they can get for themselves, no matter who they take it from. But that always has been and always will be a recipe for disaster.

That's why it was somewhat controversial when William Barclay preached, "Give without remembering and receive without forgetting."

It's also a practice that Joan Miller, a Navy investigator and one of my audience members, follows with such warmth and compassion. She's a giver instead of a taker, despite her heavy load of challenges.

As she told me, she lost her dear husband unexpectedly when he was taken by a stroke on her birthday. Then her Mother died a short time later of kidney failure. In between all of that, she had 4 surgeries herself. Fortunately, Joan had 10 givers in her life ... some coworkers and some relatives who kept calling her, who checked on her, who cared for her at home, bathing her, and applying antibiotic ointments.

When Joan's next birthday came, she decided to be a giver as well. She wrote, "I woke up on my birthday with a strong need to express my thanks to the many women who showered me with their love and compassion over the last year. I sent living plants to these 10 women with the following message: I'm counting my blessings on this birthday, and you're a Top 10! Thanks for being there."

Joan continued, "It seemed like the florist bill cost a fortune. But guess what? It paid back 10-fold. All the loving messages, e-mails, phone calls, and hugs from those women were priceless. One of the most rewarding feedback messages was from my niece Barbara, a single parent of a 10-year old boy. Naturally she thought it was amazing to think I was giving gifts to others on my birthday, and her niece added, 'I haven't had flowers or a plant delivered to me in years. I absolutely love it. And I'll take such good care of it and think of you at the same time.'"

Joan finished her note to me by asking a question. "Now I ask you, how could I have possibly received a better gift on my birthday than all those loving messages and bits of feedback? I've learned that the kindnesses we give to others are the very things that bring lasting memories to ourselves and others."

I believe that when you and I and everybody else learn that same lesson, our workplaces and our relationships will be so much better. Be more of a giver than a taker.

And finally, in your quest to become a positive force in your personal and professional relationships,

3. Plant good seeds.

You're going to have some problems and frustrations in every relationship you have now or ever will have. That's a given. And those challenges may tempt you to give up on a person or a relationship, and they may tempt you to retaliate or get even.

At times like those, you need to remember what one Anonymous author wrote: "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

The point is simple but important: you've got to do the right thing ... the good thing ... in your relationships ... whether or not you feel like it. After all, you are responsible for what you do in your relationships. How the other person responds to what you do is another issue and is not your reasonability.

It's like planting seeds. If you're a farmer, you are responsible for planting good seed, but the growth of that seed is somewhat beyond your control. Nonetheless, if you're a smart farmer you keep on planting good seed ... because chances are ... you'll eventually reap a good harvest. It's the law of sowing and reaping that works just as well in a farmer's field as it does in your relationships.

During this holiday season, or any season for that matter, take heed of this ageless advice:
If you plant honesty, you will reap trust.
If you plant goodness, you will reap friends.
If you plant humility, you will reap greatness.
If you plant perseverance, you will reap victory.
If you plant consideration, you will reap harmony.
If you plant hard work, you will reap success.
If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation.
If you plant openness, you will reap intimacy.
If you plant patience, you will reap improvements.
If you plant faith, you will reap miracles.

But...
If you plant dishonesty, you will reap distrust.
If you plant selfishness, you will reap loneliness.
If you plant pride, you will reap destruction.
If you plant envy, you will reap trouble.
If you plant laziness, you will reap stagnation.
If you plant bitterness, you will reap isolation.
If you plant greed, you will reap loss.
If you plant gossip, you will reap enemies.
If you plant worries, you will reap wrinkles.
If you plant sin, you will reap guilt.

So think twice about the kinds of seeds you're planting with your customers, your coworkers, your friends, and family members. It will determine the results you reap tomorrow. The seeds you're planting will make your life and your business better or worse.

To become a positive force, just remember relationship building is a lot like gardening. As Lynwood L. Giacomini says, "Like a gardener, I believe that what goes down must come up." And I say, what goes out must come back.

Action:

Write down 10 good seeds you will plant this week in your customers, your coworkers, your friends, and family members. And each time you plant one of those seeds, check it off the list.

Make every day your payoff day!

(2011 Reprinted with permission from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, a full-time professional speaker who specializes in attitude, motivation, and leadership programs that pay off. For more information on his programs ... or to receive your own free subscription to the 'Tuesday Tip' ... go to http://www.drzimmerman.com/ or call 800-621-7881.)

So Dr Zimmerman also uses the Power of Three!

I changed my negative thinking about ‘things come in threes’ to counting my joys in life, making myself and others feel better in the process.

What three things can you do to make the world a better place for yourself and others today?

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

'Today I will make a difference' - will you?

2011-12-06T15:57:00.000Z

Last week when I posted about the fact I was moving out of the home I shared with Clive back to be near my family, I concluded by posing the question about making each day count. Clive often spoke about how we 'only have today'. Losing him so suddenly really woke me up to that.

One my business colleagues and friends, Mike Coote, of Stratagem Plus Group, read my blog and showed me that he had featured this quote on his Linkedin account last week.

Today I Will Make a Difference By Max Lucado

"Today I will make a difference. I will begin by controlling my thoughts. A person is the product of his thoughts. I want to be happy and hopeful. Therefore, I will have thoughts that are happy and hopeful. I refuse to be victimised by my circumstances. I will not let petty inconveniences such as stop lights, long lines, and traffic jams be my masters. I will avoid negativism and gossip. Optimism will be my companion, and victory will be my hallmark. Today I will make a difference.

I will be grateful for the twenty-four hours that are before me. Time is a precious commodity. I refuse to allow what little time I have to be contaminated by self-pity, anxiety, or boredom. I will face this day with the joy of a child and the courage of a giant. I will drink each minute as though it is my last. When tomorrow comes, today will be gone forever. While it is here, I will use it for loving and giving. Today I will make a difference.

I will not let past failures haunt me. Even though my life is scarred with mistakes, I refuse to rummage through my trash heap of failures. I will admit them. I will correct them. I will press on victoriously. No failure is fatal. It's OK to stumble...I will get up. It's OK to fail...I will rise again. Today I will make a difference. Sometimes life just feels like an insurmountable obstacle. Too many things don't go our way... That's the time to reflect and give thanks for everything we have in our lives..."

Powerful words Mike - thank you for sharing them.

As I write this I ask those of you who believe in the power of prayer to have Don Hales in yours. I have just read that he has had a massive heart attack and is in a critical condition. Don has to be one of the kindest men I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I first met him when I had joined the PSA and I spoke at the East chapter many years ago. Since then we have stayed in touch. He also knew Clive well and we were all due to meet up earlier this year. Don came along to the Golf Day for Clive's foundation in the summer.

He had posted proudly on Facebook about his new grand-daughter at the weekend. I hope and pray that Don makes a speedy recovery.

I am not living my life now with a pessimistic 'I could be dead tomorrow' approach yet rather one of 'I want to make each day count, being gracious for all the many blessings I have, feeling I have been the best I could be and spending it with those who are precious to me'.

How do you live your life?

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Can you help please?

2011-12-06T14:56:00.000Z

As many of you are aware I am trustee of the Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation. Yesterday we were delighted to be featured in The Guardian. http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2011/dec/05/charities-christmas-joanne-bingley-memorial-foundation

Here is the text:-

The Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation was established to to highlight the misunderstood ravages of post-natal depression.

Chris Bingley's wife killed herself when their first child was 10 weeks old. The vivacious nurse had longed for a baby and, at 39, had begun to fear it would never happen. But days after the birth, post-natal depression (PND) set in. Within weeks it had consumed her and she took her own life in April 2010.

Chris has since struggled to bring up his small daughter alone while maintaining his job and establishing the Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation to highlight the misunderstood ravages of PND.

"When Joe died I was beside myself with grief, but there was a burning anger too," he says. "How could such a sensitive, caring nursing professional be allowed to descend into such a desperate state?"

The greatest cause of maternal deaths in the UK is mental illness, yet NHS provisions for women suffering from PND are largely inadequate. In response to Joe's death, the Patients Association surveyed the perinatal mental health care provided by 150 primary care trusts and found that 55% fail to offer appropriate information and support to mothers who may be suffering from PND. More than three-quarters had no idea of the incidence of PND in their region.

The memorial foundation, launched in April 2011 on what would have been Joe's 40th birthday, aims to publicise the condition, support sufferers and campaign for improvements to healthcare provision. It is also working with 30 other charities to set up an umbrella organisation to research the causes and treatment of an illness which devastates lives and costs the UK economy an estimated £60m a year.

"Joe had a family history of PND, and the coroner's report highlighted the failure of the NHS to help her," Chris says. "If the guidelines had been followed she would have been hospitalised when her symptoms became severe and she would still be alive today."

So far, the £14,000 raised by the foundation has been spent on distributing leaflets on PND and its symptoms, and on training mentors to highlight awareness through Sure Start Centres and health visitors. The foundation website offers comprehensive advice on how to recognize PND and where to turn, and a pilot scheme of local support groups staffed by volunteers in West Yorkshire launches in January. Eventually, it aims to provide every new mother with a booklet of information, and with more volunteers and resources Chris hopes to be able to offer one-to-one mentoring. "So far there is no kind of network like this in the region," Chris says.

The foundation's outreach has already helped other women battling the bewildering, often violent, symptoms of the illness. "I had been to my doctor, and both my husband and I had begged for help from the health visitors and GPs but we were ignored," says Clara Wilson, who has suffered from mental health issues since giving birth to her daughter in January. "I came across a leaflet from the foundation which made me realise my depression is real. I wasn't a bad mum, I was ill. There is very, very little information available about PND so that little leaflet was a lifesaver for me."

The foundation needs corporate sponsors and volunteers to help mentor, fund raise and share their experiences online. It has also set up a petition to end the postcode lottery in perinatal healthcare and an online raffle to raise funds runs until 16 December.

I would be delighted if you could help - even if sharing the link for the petition and raffle to your contacts.

Thank you,

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Moving out and moving on

2011-12-02T12:28:00.001Z

Regular readers of my blog will have noticed that I am not writing as much as I did earlier in the year after we lost Clive. I guess I used the September holiday with my parents as a significant turning point as after those dates (which would have been when Clive and I were on a cruise), everything in my diary was down to ‘me’.

I also knew that I had to take responsibility for my own life. I have to accept that Clive Gott has died. No longer will I hear his voice; feel his hugs; see that special look in his eye for me. So I have put my energies into positive aspects. I cannot bring back the past. I could chose to spend the rest of my days dwelling on ‘what might have been’ but what good would that do anyone, least of all me? I also know Clive would be furious with me! He would say I was ‘bang out of order’! ‘Did I teach you nothing?’ he’d say.

So the past few months I have begun to focus more on my own work and life – without him. I feel that I have now delivered my adapted messages in my talks and received great feedback. My rebrand is well underway with more developments coming soon.

As all this has taken shape I have become increasingly unhappy in what was our home. Several weeks before Clive died we were having a walk together. Out of the blue he declared ‘If ever I wasn’t here, you’d have my full blessing to pack up and move back to your family’.

On increasing occasions now I have left my son, parents, sister, niece and brother-in-law in Cheshire to drive across the M62 back to an empty house. No longer does Clive sit waiting at the bottom of the stairs for me. No longer does he wait like an excited child, so happy to see me. The house is dark, quiet and empty. Returning after a speaking engagement is flat and lonely. And pointless.

Of course I have Clive’s family and some wonderful friends in Yorkshire who I have made over he last three years but I need to be back with my own family – where I belong.

At half term I was especially upset only to see Dom for around 24 hours. It simply won’t do. I have missed out on so much of his life in the past 3 years. I don’t want to miss any more.

So I looked on Rightmove and fell instantly in love with a 2 bedroomed cottage. I contacted Cheshire Relocation and they have done a sterling job for me. I move in very soon!

I am sooooo excited! If you draw a triangle between Dom’s house, my parents and my sister I am right in the middle, around 7 minutes from each. Dom can cycle to me. I have never had my own place before. I have either lived with my parents or a man! If I want a pink bin in the bathroom I can!

Packing up is a dichotomy of emotion! I can open a drawer and cry over memories of a dinner party that we bought the table mats for – then I am excited at the prospect of entertaining in my new home. I smile at the memory of choosing the cushions for our new bedroom that he never lived to see done, with a sense of loss, then get giddy at the thought of unpacking them at my cottage! Wow! What a tough ride it is.

I am aware that I may be judged for leaving; others have said they are surprised it has taken me so long. I have learnt that no matter how you react to bereavement, someone won't like it! Again one of Clive's famous sayings from the platform was 'whatever someone else thinks of you is none of your business'!

I arrived back after my hectic week of speaking to the cold, empty house. I knew I had to begin to pack more. I sat at the bottom of the stairs where Clive would wait for me. Dom was having a party that night and I wanted to be ‘on hand’ in case he needed me I wasn’t. I felt a bad mother. I felt overwhelmed with the amount of packing that was facing me. I felt angry at Clive for leaving me, something he vowed he never would. I felt I couldn’t handle it all. I began to sob, sitting on the stair where he would wait for me.

Then I realised what I must do – change my thinking. This would be the last weekend I would not be near to Dom. His Dad is an incredible father to him but I need and want to be there. This move enables that. Too much packing to do? Put on music and do it little by little. I began with the bathroom and from there the only way was up! I applied Clive's tips of 'don't run 26 miles in a marathon but run a mile 26 times'.

I shall miss the friends and neighbours I have made in Yorkshire and especially Clive's sister Lynn and brother Malcolm and their sons and daughters. It has been easier leaving with their help, support and memories. Yet I remain a phone call away and certainly intend to maintain those relationships. Thank you to you all.

In my pretty cottage with a blue door I shall continue to heal and grow. I do not regret my time with Clive, as in his words we 'had a ball'. I learnt a great deal from him, not least about relationships and 'letting go'. He would often comment that some people live their lives in bitterness, and self-inflicted pity, blaming others for what happens to them. As he often said 'it's not what happens to you in life, it's how you deal with it.'

As I pack up in the kitchen the notice board catches my eye - it has the huge list that we had compiled of what were going to achieve in 2011. Again my emotions are mixed - some will never be achieved now, some I am proud that I have done without him. Yet it is the last line which gives me the strength to proceed with this move ..

'Live our purpose on the wall and remember today is the only time we have.'

Clive had begun to be increasingly aware of 'time'. It is so very, very precious. The best way I can honour Clive's memory is to live by what we believed in. These are the words on the frame he bought me last Christmas, which says it all :-

'Remember when you go into the world to keep your eyes and ears wide open. And be kind. Love one another. Take care of each other. Tell the truth. Always do your best. Listen to the big people and the little people. Explore new paths and have fun. Know that you are loved like crazy. Give thanks for all your blessings. Above all else, love and you will do wonderful things in this world.' Rebecca Puig

I intend to make my remaining days count in these ways - do you?

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Why do chips taste so good eaten outside?

2011-11-23T11:42:00.000Z

My regular readers will know that I am a very kinaesthetic person and find great pleasure in the senses! Last week I had several such experiences.

In recent years I have been honoured to speak at The Samaritans national conference, held in York. As a result I have then been invited to address other locally-based branches. I am happy to give my time because I know how hard the volunteers work and if I can inspire them in some way, then bring it on!

Clive Gott had also spoken at their events. After he suffered a period of depression a few years ago (the reason why fellow speaking colleagues suggested we worked together), he had admitted his illness on his blog. He used to joke that when some of The Samaritans read about it they rang HIM to see if he was okay!

I also know that another speaker whom I admire, Richard McCann, is a regular guest for them too. So when I was asked many months ago if I would address the Shrewsbury branch AGM on Tuesday 15th November, I was delighted to accept. Their Chair had heard me in York and wanted me to share my story with his colleagues.

The venue was Shire Hall in Shrewsbury and I was relieved to get there in plenty of time to check my presentation, music, etc. after my problem in Bradford. Once set up, I nipped out to find some food. There was a pub but also a chippy! The smell tempted me in and I thoroughly enjoyed fish and chips in the paper wrappings on a bench outside Shire Hall in the dark. Bliss! Honestly! Why does food taste so good outside and when it is chilly?

Whilst listening to the business aspects of the AGM, I was shocked to see how their funds have been drastically reduced in the last couple of years due to ‘the recession’. Yet the number of callers in distress due to the recession has increased! Did you know that any donations to ‘The Samaritans’ goes to central office and not your local branch unless you specify that?

What a lovely group of people! I have every admiration for them as they are willing to be trained and then give up their time at unsociable hours to listen and advise those in distress. Since losing Clive I know the pain of bereavement. The fact that this service saves lives is incredible. I urge people to consider helping – either in financial terms or as a volunteer. Just think what rewarding work you could do if you gave up a few hours of television a week!

It was sad to hear apologies, e.g. from the local MP’s; however, it was great to see the local Mayor and Mayoress there offering their support in a number of ways – a charming couple. His blog is here.

I gave my presentation and was thrilled that it was well received. Comments included that I was able to inspire them personally and to give them a greater insight into the distress of their callers. That felt so good. I was able to give them information about The Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation, of which I am a trustee.

Feedback included:-

Thank you so much for your very charismatic presentation last night. Speaking to Volunteers afterwards it was clear to see that all were captivated by your story and have deep admiration for your strength of character and determination to move forwards into the next phase of your life. We could not fail to be inspired and also learn from your experiences both from a personal aspect but also make us all better Samaritans in being able to understand better the difficulties that some of our callers face and how we could better respond to them.

Messages like that inspire me too. I drove away from the meeting on a total high and felt privileged to have been able to speak to them. Thank you for making me feel so welcome.

I confess that the next day I felt rough! My throat was sore; my ears aching and my whole upper torso felt sore. So I practiced what I preach, rested, relaxed and looked after myself! By late evening I had bounced back!

I had needed to bounce back because on Thursday morning I was due to speak to physiotherapy students at Nottingham University – for three hours! What an amazing experience that was as well. I love to present my tips on what makes a difference to patients but also to help health professionals realise that they have to take care of themselves so THAT they can look after others. Once again I felt humbled to be able to share my story and experiences to very caring and compassionate people.

Friday was another wonderful day! My friend, colleague and fellow JBMF trustee Ann Girling and I did a full days workshop to professionals linked to Children’s Centre staff in Dewsbury, Yorkshire. It was the first time we had both presented as published authors! On days like that, I am always amazed how the time simply ‘flies’. We aim to increase the awareness and reduce the stigma around postnatal depression at these workshops. It works from what we were told!

So thank you to all those fantastic people I met this week. I hope I was able to enrich your lives as you did mine. I felt some wonderful hugs and warmth from many of you!

I am now taking a ‘rest’ from speaking until the New Year. I have so much to catch up on and want to do so before I start the New Year with renewed enthusiasm. Look out for my next blogs on my BIG NEWS!!!!

So what do you like to eat outside? What do you like to look at? What do you like to feel? What smell fills your mind with happy thoughts? What sound fills you with joy?

As I have traveled this week my love of Rascal Flatts continues. I like this one ...

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Ann Girling's book is now published!

2011-11-21T18:26:00.000Z

How many of you have ever said ‘I could write a book’? Have you actually ever thought it was possible? Have you made the effort?

I know someone who has just done that – let her be a source of inspiration!

My regular readers will have read about my friend, colleague and fellow trustee of The Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation, Ann Girling.

On Friday 10^th November I was delighted to attend her book launch ‘A Journey to Chocolate’. She was assisted by the same lovely lady who used to do Clive’s books for him – Shelli Walsh at www.shellshockuk.com

The venue was Priors Hayes Golf Club near Chester. The marquee looked so pretty draped in white and purple. There were various stalls as well and plenty of guests had made the effort to support Ann. It was wonderful to see her family there, especially her gorgeous baby grandson and daughter.

Since Ann and I have known each other she has spoken of ‘her book’. As the years, months and weeks have gone by I have heard the progress of it and was thrilled when she invited me to write the foreword for it. Another first for me!

Mary, another trustee of JBMF was there and had done a magnificent job of helping Ann organise the day. Chris Bingley was also there and we both gave a short presentation. I spoke of how the event today was about postnatal depression (Ann also was a sufferer), networking (as that is how Ann and I were introduced) and about hope for the future.

We enjoyed a tasty hot meal and I was pleased to meet a very special lady called Julie Smith from www.changesforever.com. We had been in contact a few times over the years but never met until this event. I also met a school friend and the press photographer who has known me since I was the runner up in the Lions May Queen competition in Runcorn almost 30 years ago! Blimey I feel old!

I was thrilled to win a portrait sitting at Yaffe Fusion Art photography too as a raffle prize.

I highly recommend Ann’s book for any woman who is interested in personal development. She has written her story with the addition of exercises that will help us all be the best we can be at the end of each chapter.

The first and only time Clive heard us present together was at the launch night of Joe’s charity in January last year. He recognised and acknowledged that we brought out the best in each other – long may it continue!

Many congratulations Ann on the ‘birth’ of your book and I look forward to us continuing our journeys together.

You can get Ann’s book here.

So when are you going to actually start ... and publish yours?

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Inspired by Clive Gott to climb Kilimanjaro

2011-11-17T22:37:00.000Z

I recently was told of how Clive had inspired an ascent of Kilimanjaro by Adrian Brown. I invited him to be a guest blogger and here is his account :

'Well, where do I start? I suppose I have Clive to ‘blame’ for my adventurous streak. Though maybe blame is the wrong word, as those who knew him, knew of his ability to engender a feeling of self belief and determination that was infectious!

Clive and I first met back in 2007 when I found him through an MdS (Marathon des Sables) forum. Noticing that he was an MdS Veteran and based quite near to me, he graciously offered to meet up and wax lyrical about the event and what I could expect! His knowledge was invaluable, but the enthusiasm he had was almost hypnotic! Clive’s support didn’t stop after I travelled to Morocco in APR10 for the event, he e-mailed me every day and gave me and the team words of encouragement as well as humorous anecdotes to help keep our spirits up!

After successfully completing the MdS, I found that through Clive’s enthusiasm and the natural high from the sense of achievement, I needed more… I therefore started to plan to enter La Trans Aquitaine, a similar staged race along the beautiful Western Seaboard in France. I was going to enter that on 2011, but a positive twist in fate meant an opportunity to tick another box on the list (Climbing Kilimanjaro), coupled with the opportunity to raise money for the fantastic Candlelighters charity presented itself…..

I have been friends with a recruitment professional at iSource for many years and she mentioned that they, along with people from The Yorkshire Mafia and The Test People were putting together a charity climb of Kilimanjaro to raise money for Candlelighters. Originally, the intention had been to accompany her and be her ‘support’, but following a health review with her doctor, she unfortunately had to pull out of the event and I was on my own….

Living and working in York posed its problems to meeting up with the team and sadly the first time I had opportunity to meet them was at the foyer of Leeds Bradford Airport at 0415 on Saturday 17SEP11. We immediately started to bond and it was clear from that early point that the team would be there for each other during our following expedition! I’ll leave out the usual stuff about flights (3 of them!) and the missing baggage (mine!), suffice to say the way the team came together and cobbled kit together was again a sign of the camaraderie and support that was to last from day 1 onwards.

The Kit

Day 1 – Sunday 18SEP11

(Machame Gate 1830m to Machame Hut 3000m)
We had spent the night in the Key Annexe Hotel in Moshi. It wasn’t downtown, far from it, but it’s a great little hotel on the outskirts of Moshi (about 2 miles from the centre). Rooms were basic and functional with Mosquito nest and fans and a very soft bed. After a day of travelling sleep was not a problem and we awoke refreshed and ready for the trip to Machame Gate. Machame Gate is at 1800m elevation and is the entrance to the Kilimanjaro National Park and all treks start from here. It has a couple of buildings that serve as administration hut, toilets and ‘holding’ area. I say holding as other than a few benches and tables under a solid roof, we couldn’t see any other purpose for its existence! We took the opportunity to have our lunch box (again a basic, but filling sandwich, chicken drumstick, juice and crisps. One of the team is a vegetarian and he was well catered for throughout the trip.

The team

After the formalities, we set off trekking in earnest. The route was beautiful, winding its way through the lower slopes of deep verdant flora. Fauna was less prevalent, although we were fortunate to see a white tailed monkey and, after dropping back from the main group with a member of the team who was finding the going tough, we were rewarded by seeing a dormouse.

To say we were already at 3000m, once the camp had been set up, the catering by the porters was fantastic! Every meal was freshly prepared, three courses and of good quality and quantity!

The accommodation

Day 2 – Monday 19SEP11

(Machame Hut 3000m to Shira New Camp 3840m)
After a beautifully clear night that allow spectacular views of the stars and passing satellites, the pay-off was that the temperature had plummeted during the night. A small amount of ice on the tents identified areas of pooling water or condensation, but this quickly disappeared after the first rays of the sun peaked over the horizon. We were welcomed by the incredible sight of looking down onto the clouds below us. I shall never forget these views and they made you feel that you were in an alternate plain, surveying creation. Breakfast raised our spirits further (if at all possible after my previous comment!) and we made a ‘Mountain Mocha’ of instant coffee and Cadbury’s hot chocolate….. mmmhhh yummy!

The trek today was quite punishing as it was almost constant climbing. Obviously you tend to go up when climbing a mountain, but it was more scrambling and climbing around rocks than trekking up an inclined slope.

The fabulous support team

Day 3 – Tuesday 20SEP11

(New Shira Camp 3840m to Barranco Wall 4000m)
Today would be a good day, whatever the ‘hill’ threw at me! Why? Because at 0630 a porter crested the track from Machame Hut with the best thing I could ever wish to se…. my main bag! This saint of a man had set of at some ungodly hour of the morning to return my bag to me. In my best (!) Swahili, I thanked him profusely and was soon revelling in the pleasures of clean underwear, thermal layers, boiled sweets, trekking poles etc. It was lucky that this event had lifted my spirits as soon out the camp, the rain started, which soon turned to sleet, and then hail! Some of the team decided to visit Lava Tower (4,560m), but myself and roughly half of the team decided that due to the weather and our general level of fatigue, we would dip out and head straight to camp at Barranco Wall. A good choice personally as I was definitely starting to feel the effects of altitude sickness.

Day 4 – Wednesday 21SEP11
(Barranco Wall 4000m to Karanga Valley 4000m)

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this would be the day I quit, though those of you who know me, know that I don’t do quitting! Looking at Barranco Wall from the camp a mere 400m away, gave it the appearance of being vertical! I am terrible with heights and I really thought I’d met my match and would not be able to overcome my fear. ‘Fortunately’ another member of the team was in a similar position to me, so we provided each other with support and positive reassurance that we could do it! We started to climb carefully and bizarrely as we gained height, the wall appeared to be less vertical than first believed. That’s not to say it wasn’t steep and there were definitely a few moments where tears where shed, hearts were racing and determination needed to be summoned from the deepest parts of our being. The views from the top of the wall were, as you would imagine spectacular! I have definitely conquered my fear of heights and relished the drop offs and views from that point onwards. An undulating path for the rest of the afternoon brought us to our penultimate camp before summit night. Acute Mountain Sickness (AMS) had well and truly set in on me and some of the team and the effort required just to get to camp was incredible. Added to that I had lost my appetite and had a crashing headache which ibuprofen or paracetamol was not touching!

Day 5 – Thursday 22SEP11

(Karanga Valley 4000m to Barafu Hut 4572m – Barafu Hut 4572m to Urhuru Peak 5895m )
Double day effort! After breakfast, we walked to Barafu Huts. This wasn’t a particularly strenuous trek and it needed to be gentle to conserve our energy for the summit attempt later tonight / tomorrow morning! Although giving my increasing suffering of AMS, the effort was extreme. After arriving at Barranco Wall, we rested until late evening 2300, when we got ready to summit! I hadn’t eaten for a day and the chief guide, Lipman advised me to take some ibuprofen, paracetamol and Diamox and get some rest. He would decide when he woke us for the summit bid whether my attempt was on or if I would be sent down to lower altitudes for my own safety. Fortunately sleep came quickly and I managed to get about 8 hours solid rest. When he woke me around 2200, I was fighting fit and the drug cocktail had worked its magic and although not 100%, my headache had dramatically reduced, I felt like I actually had some energy and was raring to go!

The ascent was hell. A monotonous zigzagging path which was mainly dust over stone / rock with the odd stretch of scree that demoralised the unprepared by slipping you back with every foot step taken. We battled the mountain for 7 hours, loosing a couple of team members on the way. The team really pulled together to try and get everyone to summit, but we all had our own internal battles and despite our collective best efforts, some guys just couldn’t go on. The ridge at Stella Point seemed never to arrive, then suddenly it appeared. I had prepared myself for this moment and although I did take a moment to rest and reflect, I didn’t fall into the trap of thinking I had conquered the mountain, I knew that was another 45 minutes and 200m ahead and above me. Actually remembering to stop and take pictures of the beautiful Southern Glaciers, the true summit seemed to take no time at all and it was an emotional time when I joined the other 7 successful summiteers from our team and took in the achievement.

You are allowed a maximum of 45 minutes at the summit, though my AMS was returning by this point and my guide advised me to descend as soon as practicable, so we set off to Barafu Hut.

The 'terrible' views

Day 6 – Friday 23SEP11

(Uhuru Peak 5895m to Barafu Hut 4572m, then on to High Camp 3800m)
The descent was quick! Overall the summit and return to advanced camp took us 11 hours. This apparently is quick, with the average time taken around 23 hours! The weather deteriorated as we approached Barafu hut and a decision was made by the guides to strike camp and push on to High Camp. The trek was awful, with the majority of the day in a mix of light to heavy rain. It didn’t help that High Camp was the least favourite camp that we had been in all week. If we had realised that after the 4 hour trek to High Camp, the relative oasis that was Millennium Camp (3100m) was a mere 2 hours away, I’m sure the group consensus would have been to push on and take advantage of an empty camp with proper toilets!

Day 7 – Saturday 24SEP11

(High Camp 3800m to Mweka Gate 1500m)
My birthday! Sadly we didn’t summit on my birthday, but hey it was near enough! In a way I’m glad as I was greeted by a chorus of happy birthday by my trekking buddies and the long walk back to ‘civilisation’ seemed less arduous now that the goal had been achieved and we all looking forward to getting a proper clean, some food and several very well earned beers!

Mweka Gate was, as imagined similar to Machame Gate, but with the addition of entrepreneurial locals taking opportunity of weary trekkers to tout their wares. Everything from carved wooden safari jeeps, to friendship bracelets and even some hunting knives / spears were on offer. I settled to barter on a couple of T-Shirts, picking up a couple of reasonably priced ones proclaiming my success on the mountain. We were bussed to a local village where we had the opportunity to give the porters any unwanted kit and of course the very well earned bonuses. Through a mix of Sterling, Dollars and Schilling, they porters did very well from out team!

Once we had got back to the hotel and made ourselves relatively presentable, we went to a restaurant in downtown Moshi and had a deserved meal and beer(s!). I’ll not go into the full details, but let’s just say that the flight was the following day at 0635 and we had to leave Moshi at 0400. There were a few of us who decided that there was no point going to bed as we could sleep on the plane….

Day 8 – Sunday 25SEP11

Fly home! Another all day trudge with an extended stop in Schipol for 5 hours, but safe in the knowledge that we were nearly home! Great flight, easy baggage reclaim, joyous meeting with friends and family at LBA! Job done, £26,000 raised during the expedition and a further £21,000 would be raised at the Candlelighters Candy Ball a few weeks later.

Summary

There were times on the hill that I visited some very dark places and seriously doubted my ability to achieve the goal. I thought about all the people that had sponsored me, my family and friends and the people who inspire me to help get me through. I did think about Clive a lot and what he would be saying to help get me through. Along with his ‘laws’ and how excited I know he would have been at my achievement and these pushed me to succeed. Thank you to everyone who supported me in this life changing event.'

Fantastic Adrian (and others!)

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Remembrance ..

2011-11-13T10:01:00.000Z

I actually feel rather ashamed today on Remembrance Sunday. Why? Because it has taken me 48 years to appreciate what real loss is about.
Having lost my partner Clive in February I know the pain of bereavement so now fully understand how it HURTS.

What I do not know is how all those today who have lost their loved ones due to war can come to terms with the futility of combat. I have no anger or guilt about Clive's death - his heart was the problem. How these brave men, women, children, parents, friends wave off their loved ones to war have my deepest respect and admiration. To them have to greet them back in a coffin is so heart breaking.

I am slowly coming to terms with my life without Clive in it. I now feel this anonymous quote is true,

As long as hearts remember
As long as hearts still care
We do not part with those we love
They're with us everywhere

I also feel this song is relevant today.

So I shall be thinking of those brave men and women who have lost their loved ones.

I shall also treasure a day spent with those I love. As Clive often said 'Now is the only time we have'.

He would want us to make the most of it, as he did.

Elaine x

New shoes and no music!

2011-11-12T15:39:00.001Z

Sometime last year I attended a networking event with Clive Gott called Bradford Now Here.

Once there I discovered that the manager, Gary Peacock, and I had been at sixth form together at Helsby High school many years ago and did geography 'A' level together. After that first event I went back with Clive a few times before his death in February.

Along with another speaker friend John Hotowka and Gary we decided that I would give my new keynote presentation at the November event on Monday 7th. I have my new logo - thanks to Paul at Leeds Graphic Designers and brand, thanks to Sammy at Ice Innovation.

With that in mind I had a shopping trip with stylist Nicky Valantine (website coming soon) who gave me ideas on what shapes and styles I would suit. Ladies, I recommend such an experience! Not only do you save time by trying on unsuitable outfits but having someone specifically focused on you is a real treat.

I finally got a bright orange dress, purple belt and high platform shoes! The dress isn't as shiny as it looks in the flash! My hairdresser and friend Paula from Genesis in Tadcaster did my hair for me - one less challenge!

The Midland hotel is a restored Victorian hotel and has beautiful decor. They know how to look after a speaker - a reserved, named space in the car park - a small touch but much appreciated. It is the only one I have even spoken at where as standard practice they make a hotel bedroom available for you to change in. A fantastic idea!

I confess I was rather more stressed than usual about this presentation! Why? I felt I was there because of Clive's death. All my other talks have been booked through my own reputation. Today I knew that many people were there who had known Clive and therefore were possibly expecting the same as he would have delivered. Whoa! I could almost hear Clive telling me off on several levels:-

'What other people think is none of your business'.
'How do you know that is what they will think?'
'They are coming because they want to hear YOU'
'Get up there girl and just do it!'

I normally have a lectern - there wasn't one.
I normally have a few points written down - nowhere to put them so just had to do it!
I normally would have worn shoes I was used to - they were straight out of the box.

We sorted the AV out about 30 minutes before the 50 people booked began to arrive. All was well. I was thrilled with my new PowerPoint template and the photos looked good.

People began to arrive and the ballroom filled up. I was delighted to see familiar faces and some new ones too with a mix of male and female.

Then minutes before I started the hotel laptop died! I always have mine just in case, so no problem - we just changed it over. John gave a fitting introduction. He has lost an amazing amount of weight in recent months and has a new keynote which was widely praised when he presented at the Professional Speaking Association convention recently.

Then I began. I told my story (as it is so far!) and was pleased with how the audience reacted.

I then say how grateful I am for what I have in my life and clicked the slide to start the song which sums up many feelings .... it didn't play properly! The sound channel wasn't was faulty and we couldn't hear the lyrics! Aaargh!

I just let my photographs roll on and then carried on.

If you were there here is the song with lyrics.

Sometimes 'stuff' happens. I continued with my learning points from my experiences to share with others.

I was pleased with the reaction of those who came to speak to me. One of the privileges of what I do is that by being so open about myself it gives others permission to share their situation with me. I was honoured by those who did so after this talk, and delighted I had helped them.

Regardless of my 'challenges' I was pleased to be asked by two attendees if I will speak at events for them - I just need to check the sound system!

So my learning points:-

As a speaker minimise 'stress' - shop in good time for a new outfit!
Sometimes a 'new challenge' becomes a BIG learning point - I reckon I neither need a lectern or notes - I CAN do it without!
I did check the AV before I spoke and had a back-up, but if it goes wrong ... just carry on!

Thank you John and Gary for your support; for those who came to Bradford on a winter teatime; to the staff at The Midland and to all those who have contributed to my story.

I received many messages from people who said they wanted to come but were unable to and asking when my next one will be.

Has anyone a London venue or Birmingham one who would be happy to host it in the New Year?

I will have worn my shoes in by then!

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Bruno Mars - amazing - and so are my friends!

2011-11-05T08:36:00.000Z

My regular blog readers will know of how I have been to several concerts since Clive died and they have been a catalyst of emotion for me (and those I went with). For example, Shayne Ward with my Mum; Paolo Nutini with Angela.

Clive and I had been to many concerts and always enjoyed them , e.g. The Eagles, Lionel Richie and Seal. So I knew I was capable of seeing a show without tears - but that was before he died.

A few months ago I had an email to announce that Bruno Mars was touring. He has been a favourite ever since Matt Cardle sang 'Just the way you are' on X-factor and Clive was watching in the pub and rang me to insist I listen. He said it was the song he'd write for me. When I heard Bruno sing it Dom treated me to the CD. Every time I hear this song the tears well up...

So I booked four tickets to see Bruno in Manchester. I invited Clive's niece Sue N, Dinah (my friend and fellow trustee of Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation) and Sue P (my friend from Southampton). None of them had met before so I trusted they would get on.

I picked up Sue N in Tadcaster and we drove to Leeds/Bradford Airport to collect Sue P from her flight. The journey to rendezvous with Dinah near Huddersfield should have taken 35 minutes - due to traffic it was almost an hour and a half!

Once we got Dinah the M62 and M60 were also snarled up - what should have been a total of 1 hour 45 minutes took just under 4 hours! Sue P had flown from the south coast in a quarter of that time.

What a hoot we had though - it shows how time literally does fly when you are having fun! Sue P has teased me before for being a northern - see her guest blog from July. Well with 3 of us with our northern expressions, banter ensued that needed a translation app on a phone! It is amazing how we speak the same language but so many different words and accents!

It was only as they were picked up did I happen to mention that 'food' might be difficult around the Apollo in Manchester. I explained it was either a Tesco Extra or a McDonalds. They didn't believe me.

I told them that many years ago Mum and I had been there to see UB40 and had stuck to the floor. They didn't believe me. It has since been renovated.

I explained that I wanted to park as soon as possible as there weren't many car parking spaces and I didn't want to leave my car in the street. They couldn't understand why.

As the time ticked away I decided to leave the traffic jam on the motorway and take a back route into Manchester. We counted the take-aways en route including one called 'Fuk Wai'! That became the phrase of the evening!!!

I drove through various parts of Manchester to Sue P's cries of where are we. 'Fuk wai' the others replied.

One conversation was around Gary Barlow and other celebs. I said I wasn't fussed on him. 'I'm not keen on men', I said. They didn't believe me!

Finally the Apollo theatre was in front of us. A man was standing on the roundabout waving a placard for parking '£6 secure'. However, if you hadn't been before you could have taken any direction as he waved it ferociously whilst shouting - why? People had windows up and couldn't hear. The Chinese takeaway was mentioned again.

I parked and the girls could not believe how the cars were shoe horned in - like on a cross channel ferry. As you parked you were given a piece of paper telling you that you had to return to the car park within 15 minutes of the end of the concert as it would not be supervised after then. Sue P asked the car park attendant where the good eating places were. All we could work out was around 6 versions of what sounded like the Chinese takeaway name ... we translated for her - 'A McDonalds and a Tesco Express 'if you are lucky'!

The penny began to drop that I had been telling the truth (mostly!).

As we walked to McDs I told them that when Mum and I had been last time we weren't allowed in as the place was surrounded by police tape and police cars - there had just been an armed robbery. As we crossed the road a firework exploded - my guests shot 6 foot in the air! Gun fire?!

By now we were all very hungry and hadn't stopped giggling. In McDs Sue P wanted to hide. You see she is a hypnotherapist who specialises in weight loss - very effectively. She once was a size 18 but now is a size 10 and has remained that way for years now because her techniques are so good - see here. To see her tucking into a McDs was so funny.

Sue N was the first to go to the ladies - she returned giggling. 'It's got police warning tape in there on the floor - in the shape of a body' she told us. She was right - except it was just around a manhole cover. The hilarity continued as Dinah began to auction off a limited edition coca cola glass, we had been given as a freebie, to the other diners but would not be allowed to take in the theatre. That girl will do anything to raise funds for Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation!

Finally we went back into the Apollo. My tiny bag was inspected at the door for any unsavoury items - no chance in a bag that small. Dinah willingly emptied her pockets - a Happy Meal toy and a tube of fruit pastilles! We got teased that we were obviously ladies who knew how to party.

Dinah, me, Sue N, Sue P

At last we were in and stood at the side. Some people had been there for 2 hours and the St Johns Ambulance team and security guards carried out several audience members who had fainted. Meanwhile Sue P attempted to make sense of Dinah's Yorkshire accent ...

Can you translate?

At last Bruno came on. Wow! What a talented musician. He could sing, dance, play the guitar and drums and wooed the women extremely well. His band were also amazing. Who needed a seat and who wouldn't dance to :-

As I glanced at my 'niece' and my friends I felt a rush of gratitude for the female affection and fun. As we danced Dinah caught my eye as I smiled at her. I know she remembered me saying how Clive had watched us dance at the launch night of Joanne Bingley Memorial Foundation, and said he wished I would have more girlie nights to dance.

2 weeks before Clive died

Two weeks later he had died. Little did we know what was to come. The support and love of family and friends has been the key to my survival since he left us. 'Thank you' seems inadequate sometimes for what you want to express.

Then came the BIG test. As Bruno began to sing ' You're amazing' my instinct was to phone my Mum. I wanted her to share the moment too. We all sang with gusto. At the lyric about 'your smile' I genuinely did. And once again Dinah and I locked eyes. Dinah 'found' my website on the internet after her friend Joe had taken her own life. Out of that death our friendship was created. Through Clive's death I spoke at the hypnotherapy conference in May where I met Sue P and another friendship began. The expression 'when one door closes a window opens somewhere' is very true. Just towards the end of the song I admit my lip did tremble for a moment BUT it was of tears of happiness and gratitude. In the many, many dark days and nights since Clive died it seemed I would never feel happy again.

Yet here I was in a very crowded place with no fear of panic surrounded by gorgeous friends soaking up the music and atmosphere. It would have been easy to ignore that email for the tickets. I am so glad I didn't. It was a joy to see strangers become friends because I had introduced them. My life has taken a completely different direction without Clive but I like to think he would be pleased with how I am dealing with it.

As the concert ended we made a dash for the car and I managed to manoeuvre the queues and we were back onto the M62 within minutes! The banter continued .. this time with Sue N declaring she would like a flannel (facecloth Sue P) with Bruno on to sponge herself down with and a pillowcase to sleep on! Anyone got a supplier?! My passengers were not happy with the return route - not a 'Fuk Wai' in sight!

Before we dropped Dinah off they all asked me to introduce them on Facebook and suggestions made for the 'next' one. When I was a teacher I became unofficial social secretary for several years and organised staff trips to shows and for meals out. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed this. The next idea is for Singalonga Abba on 15th February in Manchester. Let me know if you want to come!

If you make an effort after being knocked and have support around you that you are willing to accept, it is possible to create smiles again.

Thank you girls for an incredible night out - You're amazing!

Please remember my next talk is on Monday 7th November at The Midland Hotel in Bradford. It would be great to see you there!

So what can you organise to get some friends together?
How many times have you said 'we must get together'?
What excuses have you been making?

Go on - just do it! Who knows what it might lead to!

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Is it worth being involved in nurse education?

2011-11-01T08:56:00.000Z

One of the most rewarding roles I have been done since I began to speak about my experiences of being a patient (I personally dislike the term 'service user') has been to talk to students, especially nurses. I would encourage others to do so - let me explain ..

Little girl me as a nurse!

During the last year I have been honoured to be a patient representative for the Open University on their Nursing Programme Committee. On 12th October I was at the impressive OU at Milton Keynes for a full day workshop. Much of the meeting is concerned with curriculum content. I was asked if for this meeting I would share my experiences and answer the question 'why service user involvement is important'.

I began by asking who of all the professionals in the room had ever been a patient or involved with a loved-one who had needed nursing - every hand went up in the room! Hence, any of us could be asked what we have thought of our care and how it could be improved. Yet why are most of us so reluctant to comment? Is it fear of retribution if we asked for things to be done differently? Is it because when we leave the care we just heave a sigh of relief and decide it's not worth the bother? Yet unless we say what was good and could be improved nothing will change. We are quick to complain about other services and be involved, so why not the health care system?

My first aspect was to explain how I had become involved as an 'in patient' over the years. At first glance it reads like a hypochondriacs list!

Viral meningitis and pneumonia at 10 years old
Expectant Mum
Postnatally depressed Mum
Digestive investigations
Hysterectomy
Shoulder surgery

Also I was involved in the cancer care for my Grandpa and Alzheimer's for my Grandma; knee surgery with my late partner Clive Gott then dealing with his sudden death at home in February. In my previous career as a teacher for children with severe and profound learning difficulties the role between health and education was often very blurred.

My book 'Eyes without Sparkle - a journey through postnatal illness' (2005, Radcliffe), launched my speaking career and I began to learn more about the subject and was invited to speak at many events. One of the first events I spoke at one of the delegates, Ann Mitchell, was involved in the Open University and that meeting lead to my current involvement. What did I write in the previous post about people popping up again?

I have been keen to share my experiences with health professional students for several reasons:-

to express gratitude, as without them people like me would not get better
to inspire them to make a positive difference
to offer constructive feedback

By sharing my stories and anecdotes I encourage them to

see the 'bigger picture' of a patients' life
see the impact of their actions
that small kindnesses can make a huge difference
that they can make a real difference
think, act and behave differently and more effectively
remember the importance of themselves too

If you have been a health professional who has heard me speak, would you say I achieved these?

I believe that patients should be involved in the development of the nursing education programme because the 'professionals' can become immersed in targets, figures, outcomes and statistics. As patients we can remind them that real lives, real feelings and real impact are affected as a result. All other services involve their customers in feedback so why not nursing and health care?

I was also asked to outline my personal impact from being involved in the past years as a speaker, writer and campaigner for health. I share this list, not to gloat, but to encourage others to share their experiences.

Individuals - I am told that my story has convinced some not to take their own lives but to seek that hope and 'light at the end of the tunnel'; it has encouraged some to train in the health professions; it has improved individual practice in how professionals communicate and deal with patients.
Universities - through my talks to students individuals have been inspired to set up groups, e.g. No Secrets; course content has been modified; I have been a critical reader for Open University courses.
Conferences - e.g. Patient Safety in Colchester - see the comments on my impact
My blog - now over 56,000 views! Who knows the impact from sharing - even it annoys some people it gets a reaction!
Children's centres and postnatal work - through the workshops my colleague Ann and I run we are aware of an increasing positive impact on the lives of many.
Media, education and politics - I have many messages saying how my stories have made a positive difference
Charity work - I feel that all of my journey has 'come together' through my role as trustee for the Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation.

Whilst I was speaking at the Open University my thoughts were with Chris and family and friends as it was Joe's inquest.

We often don't know where events in life will take us or who we meet.

I wish I had been able to speak more and spread awareness about postnatal illness and how serious it can be. Through the charity I hope to be part of an incredibly effective team of patients and loved ones who can work together to improve services.

The Open University would love more people to be involved with their nursing programmes design and development. Please email me at elaine@hanzak.com if you would like details.

Who knows what a difference we can make together?

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com

Business Mums Unite Conference 2011

2011-10-31T08:11:00.000Z

Sometimes we never know who may pop up in our lives again or when we meet someone how our paths may cross somewhere down the line.

Way back in early February (in what feels like a different lifetime) I was invited to be keynote speaker at the Business Mums Unite conference in Nottingham on 19th October. Sometimes as a speaker it can take several years for someone to have an opportunity for you. The organiser, Charlotte Pearson, had met me not long after I first started the speaking circuit when I was also juggling a sales job as a Virgin Vie cosmetic and jewellery consultant. I had met her then husband at a networking event and I had taken my wares to their home. I used to make the somewhat pathetic pun that 'I was a Virgin due to postnatal depression' and explained that my book was the reason I had left teaching but was also working up to being a full-time speaker and writer. Hence it gave me the opportunity at the parties I did to introduce the 'other side' of me. I did enjoy my time with Virgin Vie and it has ultimately lead to where I am now!

So getting Charlotte's request was brilliant - thank you so much! Her version of events is here.

Of course when I agreed to be at this event Clive was still alive. I remember the day I got the email and we'd chatted about it. So my original story has grown since then! I am very conscious that postnatal depression and bereavement are not exactly sexy or normally inspiring topics! Yet the feedback I received on the day said I was. For example, read Georgina's account here.

Charlotte and I

You can see more of Emma's photos of the event here.

I was delighted to meet Karen and her husband from Rhythm of your Choice. who provide some greats acts for events.

There were some stunning pictures from Jacques Designs - I could have spent a fortune!

I could have booked some great holidays from Beside the Sea and was thrilled to win some jewellery from The Light Direction.

It was good to speak to Craig and his colleagues from Affari magazine - an on-line version for Nottingham Business Women.

Sara Meredith, whose daughter Livvy sadly died in 2008, has set up a charity to bring smiles to other disabled youngsters. We chatted for a while and she told me about Livvy's Smile and her blog Walking with Angels. She has blogged about the conference - Sara is an incredible lady who inspires others.

I'd like to especially dedicate this to her ..

I also had the opportunity to speak to others who were presenting and several of the delegates who shared some of their stories with me. I find this to be one of the best aspects of what I do.

I thoroughly enjoyed the day and was delighted that Charlotte invited me. I do hope she puts the day on again next year - keep us posted!

Whilst I was in Nottingham I had the pleasure to dine at two restaurants I'd recommend - The Riverbank - fabulous food and service; and Peachy Keens, world buffet - great when you can't decide what to have!

Just a reminder - my next talk is on Monday 7th November at The Midland Hotel in Bradford - open to all.

See the details here.

So who have you not been in touch with for years? Is there something you could ask them to be involved with you now?

Go on - make their day, just as Charlotte did mine!

Elaine x

www.hanzak.com