A mellow Sunday .......

After my late night writing I woke just after 8 this morning feeling physically poorly. My throat hurt, my chest heavy and generally weary. I opened the curtains and let the sunshine stream in. Initially I thought I might just stay in bed. I remembered back to Boxing Day. I had been very tired then and Clive suggested I stayed 'put'. He brought me breakfast in bed, I'd slept for a while then I got lunch with wine and a flower on the tray also brought up to me! I watched The Railway Children, sobbed my heart out and wiped the tears away with the staisfaction of having REALLY enjoyed a film! Happy day.

Now he will never bring me breakfast in bed. So I asked Sue instead. She appeared with a cup of tea and the comment that the kitchen isn't for little people! She had to jump to reach the cereals on the top shelf! The mirrors in our house are also too high for others - sometimes Clive thought of himself! We both sat on the bed for a while and shared a goreous message from a friend of mine via facebook. We confirmed that it would be silly for me to go back to Cheshire with her to see my son Dominic, just back from a school skiing holiday, and it would be better if I relaxed and had a dressing gown day.

Lynn, Clive's sister then came round. As Sue is featured so much in my book  http://www.amazon.co.uk/Eyes-Without-Sparkle-Journey-Postnatal/dp/B003BVK1GI Lynn felt she knew her. Isn't it amazing how some people just 'click'? We chatted as we listened to Steve Wright Sunday Love songs. Then a new version of  Eva Cassisy's 'Songbird' played and I dissolved into tears which came from deep inside me. http://www.youtube.com/watchv=63znFyCN07c&NR=1&feature=fvwp
All three of us hugged and cried, then just carried on the conversation!

When Sue left shortly afterwards Lynn and I chose some of Clive's bright shirts for her sons to wear on Wednesday. They will be carrying Clive along with her husband Rod and nephew Wayne. Jamie Jones Buchanan who plays for Leeds Rhinos will also be in the role as he and Clive had a very special relationship. There will be another rugby player too.

(Clive and I having achieved a course high in the trees of a forest.)

I decided then that for the rest of the day I had two 'must do' things. The main one was to speak to Dom and the second was to clean the fridge! I knew Dom would be exhausted after a 37 hour coach trip from Italy so instead got into housework mode. I felt sure I could feel Clive hug me from behind as I washed up - one of his favourite things was giving or receiving them. He'd often come and do so as I washed up; gently sweeping the hair from my neck and kiss me, then get on with his tasks. Little gestures mean so much. I also decided that today I wanted some space to help recharge me for the next few days. I even put a note on the door asking not to be disturbed.

Meanwhile I glanced at emails still committed to leaving them until tomorrow as I needed a 'weekend'. I noticed one from an American Ebay buyer who had 'won' some piano books from me a few weeks ago. They seem to have mithered me for weeks - I posted them the day of the auction and it seems they have gone astray. Perhaps I can track it and I am proud of my excellent feedback as an Ebayer so am normally very efficient in the processes. I decided to refund the £5 even though it isn't my fault but just now didn't feel it was a priority so sent them a quick note to explain that I had been suddenly bereaved and was having a difficult time. The reply that came back was 'you should have a tracking number'!!!

Now I know not everyone knew Clive; I know that as I type sadly other people will be leaving this world too under dreadful circumstances and I am far from alone in grief. My heart goes out to those in the New Zealand earthquake - more untimely deaths. I also acknowledge that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Not everyone is the drama queen that I am and I do not expect everyone to feel their life must stop because Clive's has.  However, most people, even complete strangers will comment 'I am sorry for your loss', for example a sales call asking for Mr. Gott to be told he has passed away. Yet just the occasional person seems numb and insensitive about grief. My world has caved in and I am trying to function the best I can. I actually feel sympathy for those who are unable to be kind and sensitive. The American who is more concerned about lost music books than showing a little compassion and patience may well have few friends. I am discovering more and more that kindness does make this world go round. Bitterness and insensitivity just breeds greater inner unhappiness and those individuals will probably find themselves lonely people. I remember my Dad telling me as a child that 'the only person you hurt when you sulk is yourself'. It took me years to learn that but he is so right.

Meanwhile I was faced by a worry and a challenge. I was told several years ago that when faced with such a dilemma you have two choices - if you can do something about it, do so, if not, why waste time worrying. In this instance I chose the former. I phoned a dear friend who has been offering me help, asked the question and he was quick to solve it for me. Thank you so much xxxxx

I tidied up as I played music and at one point had a smoochy dance with Clive's Rhinos shirt he'd worn the last Friday we'd been out - even with the coat hanger! It smells of him still.

My initial feelings today of exhaustion and 'chesty' issue seemed to lift and I got busy cleaning the fridge. Then my son Dom phoned. His Dad had told him the news last night. We discussed how/when we could see one another but after a few minutes he simply said 'I want to be with you'. I am so grateful to his Dad for bringing him. The rest of today has been spent being with him. We've shared our news and feel so proud of the way he is dealing with this. Only two weekends ago when we were away as a family for my brother's 50th birthday we'd shared a room and he'd said he could see how happy I was and he realised that Clive was the reason. Before he'd gone skiing we had been planning our first summer holiday for the three of us. As he showed me his stunning photos of skiing every now and then the tears flowed as something he said would remind me of how much he and Clive had had to come. We were both very conscious that Clive would never replace his Dad but that it would have been a relationship that broadened Dom's experiences and enriched his life. I shall have to still try to do so.

He has gone to bed with the reassurance that I must wake him if I need anything and that HE will bring me breakfast in bed tomorrow.

My soulmate may have gone, but wow! has he left me surrounded with love.

Good night - and let's hope I get more than 4 hours sleep! Tomorrow I have to get busy continuing to plan Clive's celebration.

Elaine x