This morning I was with one of my longest-standing friends Sue Woodward. She has recently started a new job and it was good to hear how she is getting along. We went into a Starbucks, which was a chain of coffee shop Clive and I regularly went into. Today I was okay with it. We chatted about various changes and choices in life and it is so lovely to know others care about me.
One 'idea' I have thrown into the pot of where do I go from here is to consider another partner! Maybe I should just put myself on a dating website asking for a sugar-Daddy to whisk me away and take all my troubles away? Sue asked me what I would look for - tall, confident, fun-loving, caring, affectionate, generous, broad-shoulders, strong arms ..... the more I described the more my request was summed up in one word - Clive. Let's leave that idea for now as no-one else would come close.
Next I went to see another friend who also is a speaker, Chris Davidson. It was a pleasure to catch up with him. He actually introduced Clive to me at the PSA convention back in 2007! See the pictures here.
Then onto Molly Harvey for more talking about Clive, my future, etc. We went for a drink into a new cafe in Hoylake called The Spotty Blue Teapot - what a gorgeous place.
Clive told me on several walks that if ever he 'went' I would find him in the wind. He was certainly around Molly and I today!
My friends today have rebuilt my strength and optimism. It was also good to see Dom and his Dad although not good that Thomas cat doesn't seem well. We got Thomas the year before Dom was born and he was a beautiful kitten and is a lovely animal. At 16 he is very much an OAP.
I have just watched Ann Widecombe on Piers Morgan Life Stories. It made me smile as last autumn Clive watched 'Strictly Come Dancing' with me and began to look forward to Ann! He always loved a 'trier' and people who spoke their mind. Talking to Molly today I realise that I fit into that category now - I am far more assertive than I used to be and I know I am being open about my bereavement and situation. Talking to other people certainly is helping me, rather then bottling it all up.
Is it just me or does the guy on this right of this ad on Piers Morgan, look familiar?
I was thinking about the concept of 'Life Story'. Clive had said numerous times that his best book was still in him. He said the chapters with me 'completed' him. How ironic that is now.
What is your life story? What is worthy of telling others? Have you documented it anywhere? My Grandma filled in a keepsake book that I bought for her many years ago. I found it recently and it was very special to read the basics about her 'life'. I now regret not fully knowing more about my Grandpa. What are you leaving behind? What would you want your children and grandchildren to say about you? Last night my Mum served us bananas and ice-cream, with the comment 'it's a Grandma dessert!'
Another of Clive's sayings was that you 'never truly die until the last person that remembers you dies'. So what will your legacy be? There has been talk of this in the last days about Princess Diana.
In recent years Clive had talked to many people about their purpose in life. My conversations today re-emphasised that mine is through my speaking and writing, to help others through rocky times in life by sharing how I have got through mine. That is where I get my 'buzz'. That is where the fire in my belly is. That is where my light shines the brightest. Clive's untimely death has given me something that he often spoke about - life's experiences are 'just another seminar story' - the more challenging they are, the bigger the impact. Thanks matey!!!
I have been given renewed enthusiasm for my future today by surrounding myself with people who care about me. Hence I want to continue to care about others in turn. I am hungry for more audiences and I ask the 'Universe' for help in getting them for me! Who do you know in the NHS who needs an inspiring patient for their staff? Who do you know in a Children's Centre? Who do you know that is putting on an event where they need a speaker who will shine through stories of pulling through deep challenges with messages to help others through theirs?
I also feel tonight that Clive continues to surround me with love and support and I am open to both. I have been reminded of several things:-
- Clive was at his happiest and most content in life when he died
- That our relationship was truly special
- That he would want me to be happy
- He would want me to be assertive and strong
- He would want me to maintain 'fun' and hard work.
|I intend to!|
P.S. My Mum tucked me up in bed last night to kiss me good night and said how much she wants to take my pain away. Simple actions - MASSIVE impact. I love you so much Mum xx