Elaine Hanzak's Blog: It's my birthday!

I am stunned and so delighted that so many people have sent me birthday wishes and warm thoughts today. This one from Sam is an example:-

It can't be an easy day for you but just remember you are surrounded by love that you don't know about. Whatever you are doing and wherever you are Clive is with you in spirit and he wants you to be happy and have fun, so go on, let your hair down and celebrate your Happy Birthday.

She is right - it isn't an easy day. So many people will tell you that the 'firsts' of significant days after the death of a loved one are difficult because they aren't there to give you a kiss, a hug, a card, a present - to share your pleasure. This really is my first 'first'. I knew I had to be busy but I really did not anticipate the massive wave of good wishes!

After a couple of weeks away (I still have blogs saved up to post!) I am back home this afternoon. I have been in a cottage loaned by a friend, near Bridlington, with Dominic and his friend Sam for the last few days. This morning I dropped them off in Hornsea and they are walking the Trans Pennine Way - 215 miles - over the next few days! The original plan was for us to spend today together but as I need Dom to take photos for Clive's Memorial Golf Day next Wednesday, the walk had to start today. He did bring me breakfast in bed though! Plus a goody bag of things from my Mum and Dad.

Start of the Trail on Hornsea beach

Clive would have been impressed with them! Good luck boys! One foot in front of the other ..

Only 215 miles to go ..

After dropping them off I went back to the cottage and packed up then cleaned up - yaay! Toilet cleaning on my birthday! Several times I felt tears prick BUT each time they did a little red light on my Blackberry flashed! Yet another message!

They have come from all over the world - Brazil, Switzerland, USA. I feel so supported and loved! Even if people are just thinking of me for as long as it takes to type hello, the thought is there and it really does count.

I also am amazed at how many new people have come into my life as a result of Clive dying. Today is a day of very mixed emotions. Of course I miss Clive but I also am grateful for the other relationships in my life - my family, his family, my friends and some of his that are now mine.

I drove home excitedly with some phone calls on the way too! There were plenty of cards behind the door (thank you to those who sent them) and a box of flowers from my parents. My sister has sent me some money which has to be spent 'on something frivolous'!

Next job was to unload the car ...

How did all that fit in my Punto? And that is where this afternoon has gone .. unpacking.

I did sit on the bottom stairs for a few moments because that is where Clive would sit and wait for me whilst Peeka said hello, on my return. How I ache for his hugs! Just on cue my phone rang with another friend sending me good wishes!

I have a mound of admin/business to deal with but that can all wait until tomorrow.

Last year I was over at my parents initially. My family and I all went out for lunch, including Dom's Dad, which was nice. We had baby Sophie too. When I came back to Clive he invited me upstairs ... he had a new set of underwear for me which I put on .. he then asked me to close my eyes whilst he dressed me head to foot in a new outfit - a white skirt, top and denim jacket! Only then was I allowed to look! More exciting way than gift wrapping! Clive 'had a way' with presents!

The previous year he had treated me to a fast car day!

He made me sparkle!

It will be my 50th in two years time. I decided today that I will wake up that morning on an exotic beach somewhere. I will have Bucks Fizz for breakfast and at some point have a massage on one of those cabanas on the beach.

Clive often asked me to visualise where I wanted to celebrate that day - he would have been 55 the next week. Well there is the picture!! I can hear the sea now, feel those hands, smell the coconut oil, see the waves, taste the Pina Colada ...

What do I wish for myself this year?

Continued good health - Grandma was right - it is top of the list as without it everything else is in doubt
Less tears and more smiles
Continued loving and supportive relationships
More time with Dom and my family
Current uncertainties in my life to be sorted
Strong, independent and proud
Plenty of work! So PLEASE help me by spreading the word about my inspirational talks!
A new book published

For now I have a washing machine to empty ...

Thank you again for all your wonderful wishes. They really are making it a Happy Birthday.

Tonight I have a meal, a hot tub, friends and champagne to come!

My Mum found this song for me. It says it all. She said it was if Clive had written it for me ...