Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Mixed feelings about Clive Gott!

On Sunday evening I got myself in a tizz over who I could go to Wembley with and watch the Rhinos take on Wigan. No matter who goes IT JUST ISN'T CLIVE. Is it just me that has been bereaved that almost feels bad asking others when they know they aren't your first choice?  It really isn't a good feeling. Yet I know from other things I have been to since Clive died that I have made new memories with those I have shared events with. The hole remains though.

When I was sorting out all the photo files at the weekend I came across the ones we had done back in summer 2008 - the year Clive was 50. They were taken by

I now have this one as my screen saver. It probably doesn't do me much good but I can't help but stare into those eyes.

We had this as our first one together for our joint presentation:-

Happy memories.

I had another difficult night - these birthday weeks are proving difficult. I guess it doesn't help that so many people are on holiday. Being busy is better.

Monday morning I woke feeling very rough. I ached. I had a headache and I contemplated staying in bed, ringing a few people and cancelling the day! Instead I knew that it was ME who had to move. If I felt like this when Clive was alive he'd suggest getting up, have a shower, a bit of breakfast, maybe some painkillers and take it from there. So I did the lot and two hours later I had done all the things on my list I'd written the night before - result! Clive was so right some times ... clever bugger!

I drove to Huddersfield feeling pleased with myself and went to join my fellow trustees for a meeting for The Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation.  The passion, energy and enthusiasm for the charity continues to grow, as does our profile and influence. We are putting a new flier together for the workshops Ann and I deliver -watch this space! We are also delighted to have Mandy Williams on board with us now, to assist us with our use of software to make us even better!

I then met Dom with his Dad at Birch services on the M62 and we headed back towards Leeds. We called to see our friend Jamie Jones Buchanan from Leeds Rhinos who has got us a signed shirt and rugby ball to use to raise funds for Clive's foundation, which will help youngsters in sport. Anyone like to make us an offer? There was much talk of Wembley and Dom is going with me! Hooray! I can share with him a fantastic experience!

It was good to bring Dom home with me and he eagerly he ate up the Chinese take-away saved from his last trip here (in the freezer!). Seeing him settled in the spare room, pleased to be going to Wembley just made my heart ache even more when I went to bed. Clive would have been so pleased about all of this. I am too, of course, but it is all tinged with a sadness that I cannot yet shake.

This morning I awoke full of energy to be busy! I spent a few hours at my desk and as Dom was happy sorting out his camera for the golf day, I then set to in the garden. It has been sadly neglected! I did all three lawns, weeded borders and even sorted out some pots! It took me hours. I was less emotional than other times but it still hurts when I see it looking good - Clive had begun to love the garden. I do too but just weeding around a geranium can bring the grief pouring out! I cannot still help but feel robbed of what we had to look forward to.

My friend Ann sent me this quote:-

People will forget what you said, they’ll even forget what you did, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel. (Maya Angelou) 

Clive Gott made me feel amazing in every way! He made me feel adored, special, beautiful, fun, sexy, mischievousness, enthusiastic, incredible, clever, wanted, child like but also mature, excited, content, ambitious, capable, weak at the knees, strong, safe and happy. Is it any wonder that I miss him? I loved the me I was with him. I have to learn to love again.

I wonder if I will ever look at anyone else like this? Even cold at rugby I was warm through and through!

So today I have made some plans for both work and pleasure. It has been brilliant to have Dom here with me and we are both looking forward to a day at the golf course!

I feel very touched by all his golfing friends and others who are supporting the event. Some are travelling miles to be there. I know I want to sob buckets but also want to completely enjoy it too.

Clive did have another infatuation in his life, other than me! Golf!  I just hope he sorts out for the sun to shine on us!

P.S. After I wrote this last night I went to bed and decided to look through my memory box of mine and Clive's 'things'. As I read the many cards, letters, little notes, etc. we had written to each other I felt so loved up and went to sleep smiling, knowing how lucky we were to have experienced that level of emotion - even if it only lasted a few years until he died.

I think that is the first time I have done that without tears! Progress! xx

Elaine x 

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