One of my friends posted a message on Facebook about what had happened to her in a supermarket -
Day dreaming whilst doing my food shop the man who was stood next to me asked " which one is best to clean the kitchen ?"
As I looked at him he continued, " my wife died and she sorted this sort of stuff .. I don`t know which one she used. "
I told him which I bought and he thanked me as he put it into his basket .. Bless him :):)
When you have shared a home with someone and they are no longer there, you do realise who was the one who made sure the shower tray didn't go mouldy, who emptied the bins, etc. I have learnt many things about running a household since being on my own for the first time. I do have a growing sense of pride and achievement about it plus sadness.
After our birthdays and the BBQ at the weekend I had also suspected that my strength, optimism and efficiency would suffer on Sunday through tiredness and relief. I have learnt that is what happens now and I try to build in a safety net, e.g. have company and keep busy. Sunday I was fine but whack! It hit on Monday instead. I wonder if other bereaved people feel like they too wake up with a drink induced hangover, except you haven't drunk? That's how yesterday morning felt. My body seemed heavy. My head and eyes too. I had planned on being super-efficient at my desk but every email was like a 3,000 word essay, even if two lines.
I applied various 'self-motivating' ways. I was cross at myself for being unable to focus. I kept repeating Clive's saying 'When you don't feel like doing anything just do something'.
I also put on the radio in an attempt for 'feel good' music. Then this track played:
That prompted me to open one of his wardrobes, surround myself in his sleeves and cry, wail and sob buckets. Clive had a fur-lined hoody - I wrapped that around myself and had a smoochy dance with it, just aching to feel his arms around me. Why does it still hurt so much?
The rest of the afternoon I continued to cry at ANYTHING! I miss him so much. Life feels so hard and overwhelming in comparison to what we had planned. The cruise we had planned for September (and I have cancelled) is coming closer along with my huge disappointment and memories of our idyllic one last year. I have plans to spend that time now elsewhere. I know that other people have much tougher lives and times to deal with and I have much to be grateful about.
My best tonic was to smarten myself up - just taking time to dry my hair properly and put some perfume on helped. So did talking to a few friends. The day passed.
Today was beautiful! I was looking after my niece Sophie and asked Chris if he and Emily would like to join us. The four of us met at a shopping precinct and the hours drifted away with drinks, mooching, toddling, eating and just being!
|Who's your friend?|
|I love my Daddy!|
|I like it here!|
|We're not a bit tired!|
The innocence of youth! All they are concerned about is if they are loved, warm, fed and comfortable. I am that tonight.
I also found a note written by Clive in my Filofax. I remember we'd had a challenge sometime last year and later that day when I opened my diary this note was there:-
|YK = Your Knight|
I am learning that although I am getting stronger I still have to allow myself 'off days and moments' to grieve.
Spending time with my young relatives and friends is a pleasure I shall continue to indulge in. I did my sister a favour today but really it was the other way around!
When can I have her again?!
What did you learn today?