Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Live and Go!

I feel like I have made a step or two forward in the last 48 hours. After the pleasure of Dom staying with me for a few days and sharing the trip to Wembley with him, I put him on the train back to Cheshire on Sunday afternoon. As the train pulled out of the station I felt my mood plummet. It felt like the end of summer - we have had some fun times since he has been off. Now we are back to the occasional meal and overnight stay again for the autumn. My heart was sinking.

In an attempt to save it I sat in the Costa coffee at the top of the station where Clive and I had often been. I treated myself to a drink and Millionaire's shortbread and just lost myself in a myriad of thoughts. I had been in here last with Mum - a happy thought. I put a comment on Facebook where I was and instantly I had suggestions - get a trash mag and indulge; don't be on your own; invitation for a cuppa. You are never on your own with Social Media! Thanks guys xx

With that I went to see Clive's sister Lynn and we had a lovely couple of hours - we had laughs, tears, hugs and most importantly made some happy plans. One thing we discussed was my fear of moving on. I have to acknowledge that Clive is dead. He isn't coming back. Yet I am scared to 'get rid' of anything. I want to hold onto as much of him and us as possible. One way we thought of was to change the picture on my phone. Every screensaver I have since he died has been Clive, me and Clive, Clive, Clive and me, Clive .....get the idea? So every time I look at my phone he is there. When he was alive I would often have him there but also changed it to 'picture of the moment' with Dom, Sophie or other important people in my life. In some ways doing this now felt like I was being disloyal. Lynn encouraged me to change it whilst I was there. It now is me in the yellow, sorry, Norfolk mustard, Lotus last week! I wanted to change the password from Clive to 'me' but it was too short! I have changed it to an inspiring word instead. There are still loads of pictures of Clive in my phone but not as a screensaver. now each time I use my phone I think of my future.

The sadness remains but also a drive to what will come..... whatever that is.

Lynn was my saviour that afternoon (again) and having hugs and spending time with her are truly special - as she is. Thank you sweetheart xx

So I have spent the last two days thinking ahead but also still relishing messages sent when Clive died and making contact with those who sent them. I set myself targets of so many emails to send out my flyer for workshops to share mine and Ann's expertise on postnatal depression, then matched them with those about Clive.

Both have been fruitful - some workshops booked and fantastic messages from other people. The messages about Clive I will eventually share properly but here are a few snippets:-

'Just wanted to share with you something that Laura said to one of our neighbours some years ago when he lost his wife and I know it will be resonant with your philosophy: “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened”.

'This is what shot out at me after I saw Clive in Jan;
CLIVE GOTT Firstly that I should start to really live my life and then just go for it.'

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."   Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I want to dedicate a song to Clive (I have added Clive) - 'Anyone Could Light a Candle' as he lit a candle within me to carry on believing in wanted to do with my life:-

Anyone could light a candle
but not the way that Clive did
just like a flower in the rain
he was unique, the same.

Each step you took,
Each dream you realized with Clive would open your heart, your life.

So if we looked close
pure magic we would be
pure magic we would see!

Its all around each one of us -
Its all around within -
The perfect union
Close inside your dreams, to watch in wonderment as each day begins...

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigils by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake - turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete those unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

- Mary Lee Hall

So that is where my mind, thoughts and actions are right now. I also realise that I have choices - I can chose if to be sad or happy or angry or bitter. I cannot change that my soul mate has gone but I can choose to live my own life now and how I do that.

I have decided to take a break from blogging for a couple of weeks. This Saturday Clive and I had booked to go on another cruise - this time the Western Med. Of course I have cancelled it.

However, I am going to take the time to be with myself and with loved ones. I have been ordered to switch off my Blackberry and I will not be responding to anything but urgent messages! I am going to take myself out of the hamster wheel and slow down and 'just be'. So for those of you who worry now if I haven't blogged for a day or two, please don't! Once the cruise dates are passed there is nothing else in my diary that Clive and I had booked in. I see that as marking the start of 'me'. No more 'should have', 'would of'. I still have the danger of torturing myself with the past - for example last night I began to read the journal of our stunning cruise last year which we described as the perfect honeymoon - we just hadn't got married! After the account of the third day I could read no more for sobbing, so I stopped and closed the book. It hurts too much. Better to look at this and smile..

September 2011
I also have something to open ... when I was looking through the paperwork for the cruise, after he died, I found a letter. It is sealed with sellotape and signed 'Clive' on the back. On the front it reads

'To Elaine, to be opened when we are comfortable in our cabin on the ship on 3rd September 2011'.

It is still unopened - until Saturday. Perhaps it will simply say how he felt about me, like this song he said summed it all up ...

So for a little while I will leave you all in peace because it is time for me to take some proper rest and recovery from the shock and bewilderment of losing my darling Clive. 

I will be back here soon. In the meantime how will you chose to live your life? What will you go for?

With thanks to you all for your continued support, love and good wishes.

Elaine x

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