Sunday, 7 August 2011

Back to the cottage

I awoke on Sunday morning 31st July, at our friend's home and after getting dressed joined in clearing up. It was good to be useful. During a short tea break I had a little cry as I remembered the equivalent morning last year. Clive had been chatting to the same guy who I was tidying up with about future plans. We'd driven away buzzing!

It was relevant to be spotted having a few silent tears and to hear the supportive comment 'aww - are you having a little moment?', spoken with empathy. I just nodded and my friend smiled.

That's all you need! There was no embarrassment from either of us. No big fuss. There was no point in suggesting I shouldn't cry.  A friend or relative who acknowledges that it is literally a few sad moments that will pass, is one to be treasured and very much appreciated. Within minutes I was up again and folding away the gazebo!

After a bacon and egg butty I was on my way. After fun and company like that I knew to go home to an empty house would be heading for a big dip in emotion.

Instead I was excited to be rejoining Dom at the cottage we had been loaned in Flamborough. The journey was also made easier by chatting to friends en route.

My mind drifted onto thoughts of how Clive had shown how much he loved me. When I stopped for a drink I blogged about them - see Sunday's posting.

The rest of the journey I felt I was in the 'love bubble' I used to feel when he was alive. It was beautiful. I felt I glowed with warmth, light, hope and life. Again I realised that memories of my time with Clive will always make me feel this way. Nothing can take those feelings away and my blog was really for me so I have a record of those 'little things' that made me feel so special. By sharing them readers have told me it gives them ideas to improve their relationships.

Once again Clive Gott is inspirational!

It was delightful to have Dom waiting for me and he showed me some of the excellent photos and videos he'd taken at the beach whilst he Dad had been there.

I resumed knitting a cardigan for Sophie and we watched 'The King's Speech'. Excellent film that makes you feel proud to be British!

That was followed by 'Batman' which I also liked but there was no 'de-ner, de-ner, de-ner, de-ner Batman!' in it!

Bed was welcome after only a few hours sleep the night before and a 3 hour drive!

On Monday Dom and I had the day to ourselves. We both relaxed and we went into Bridlington for more groceries. He had some time on the beach exploring good places to take his friend Sam, who was due to arrive the following day. We watched more films and some stand-up comedians.

Tuesday was pretty well the same but we made sure we were at the cottage from late afternoon in case Sam arrived early.  I must admit I was silly because instead of 'living in the moment' I got myself tied up in knots over lots of things which I should not have done, at that time, e.g. getting more work in, disappointed our time at the cottage was now limited. I was worrying about my birthday and how to spend it. I was getting upset at the prospect of Clive's birthday next week. Silly me. I wrote an email to a close friend and talked to my Mum - both helped.

Sam arrived and Dom immediately took him down to the beach! It was good to meet his auntie, uncle and sister. Last summer Dom had camped with them. Lovely people!

All too soon it was bedtime. I am so pleased that my sleep problems which I suffered from initially when Clive died, are now a thing of the past (generally). I do find having one pillow in the middle of a double bed does help to ease the 'empty' space.

Next morning the boys were keen to go down to the beach to explore the places Dom had found for them. The wifi we had been using in the cottage had been down for almost 48 hours so I decided I would go find some! The boys were more than happy without me!

McDonalds was the only place I could find for wifi which disappointed me because I would have rather supported a small, local venue. I posted a blog but felt consumed by sadness again.

As I walked back to the car all I wanted to do was cry! Why does grief still hurt so much? As I drove back to the cottage I felt angry with Clive for going. Why oh why?

I knew I needed to talk with someone so rang Mum again. Always a good idea! I felt better and packed up a picnic for the boys and I.

Still feeling sad but trying to appreciate the beach I began to feel worried as they didn't appear!   

As I became more anxious wondering where the boys were, a loud roar of falling rocks alerted everyone on the beach.

A man had decided to climb the cliff and wasn't doing very well! People had their phones out to film 'the fall' that was anticipated!  For about 15 minutes it seemed the sun seekers held their breath. Another fall of rocks. Gasps. He tried one way. Then another. Finally he made it to the top! Some applauded. Some tutted that he set a bad example to children. One complained that cost him £250 - no fall to send to 'You've been framed'! We have become a nation of voyeurs ready to make a fast buck!

I just got more anxious about the boys! When they appeared safely I wanted to cry with relief! I am not usually so paranoid and I didn't want to roast Dom. I am aware I am even more protective over him since I lost Clive but I don't wish to be a kill joy. The boys apologised for causing me to worry. We ate and off they went again!

We were lucky that the sun shone. The boys remained very close for the rest of the afternoon. I was content to just sit on the beach and watch them. It was very warm and there were many holiday makers soaking up the sun.

We returned to the cottage where the boys packed for their expedition for the next few days - walking the Trans Pennine Trail. I had decided to avoid being sad on my birthday the following day by making plans to see friends.

We watched Couples Retreat - about some friends who go on a break in a stunning location on an island. Just the sort of place I have always wanted to go to. I had shared with Clive my dream to go to the Maldives. Perhaps one day we would have done. I was pleased that I din't get tearful watching 'romance' but I was busy trying to finish Sophie's cardigan - being teased by the boys! The evening ended watching the comedian Jason Mansford.

And so ended my 47th year!

So how would I describe these last few days?
  • I have been 'wobbly' and was disappointed at myself for being so.
  • Cross I was stewing over 'stuff' instead of relaxing - or maybe in relaxing I allowed my mind to wander?
  • On the positive side I have had a very happy time with my son - that is priceless!
  • As I drifted off to sleep I felt pleased and grateful to David and his family for letting us use the cottage.
What do you 'stew' over? In doing so do you spoil quality time with those around you?

Elaine x

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