After another horrible night I awoke still with that feeling of sadness and heaviness. Yet again I could easily have stayed in bed and let the world pass me by. However I had a conference call to come and an event to attend. I thought I'd give myself a kick so put on music - loudly whilst I showered. The track playing was Take That's Greatest Day.
Thus inspired I told myself that today I chose to be happier. Enough tears.
Next I settled to the conference call and just as we started I got an SOS from Clive's sister Lynn to say that her daughter Sue, who was 16 weeks pregnant, had seen the midwife. They could not find a heartbeat - could I go and see her? I dropped everything! Sue was very calm considering and explained she'd had a similar problem when carrying Emily, now 6.
Once her husband Scott came back from work (Lynn could not get away) I left them to it.
I still had time to attend the Yorkshire Expo event at York Racecourse so put on my 'feel good' bright yellow dress. Sadly there weren't many people there but I did see a few friendly faces. I had a good chat to Paul French from the Mackenzie Partnership. We sat in for a seminar but I just felt it showed how brilliant Clive had been! The subject matter was similar to this presenter but without the humour and spirit Clive put into it. I felt flat. I was completely out of sorts.
Then the text came - bad news. The baby had died. When Sue and Scott had told me that they were expecting they had asked if I would mind if the baby was a boy if they called him Clive. This therefore felt like a double whammy.
I set off to meet them. The last time I'd been in this hospital was for Clive to have an X-ray on his knee - in true form he'd left giving the receptionist a hug! He made people happy wherever he went.
I parked, took a deep breath and went to the hospital to sit with them whilst they had to wait for information about medication. I was appalled to find them left waiting in a ward managers office. No comfy chairs, surrounded by files and having to sit and wait whilst staff were chatting in the corridor about a barbeque at the weekend! I wanted to smack people!!! Bless them - they are only in their 20's. They needed compassion, empathy and a pretty environment to take in this bombshell - not left in no more than a cupboard. A doctor appeared to explain that Sue would need medication and to return in a few days to give birth to her dead baby. He offered no words of comfort but just that 'the procedure would now be medicalised'.
The staff nurse at least offered the required manner and skills. We all left the hospital. They were so brave.
I felt lost. I wanted to howl; to scream; to hit something. I wanted Clive more than ever. Why, why oh why?
Instead I checked Ellie was at home and after a hug, tea and a chat I felt a bit better. My upset couldn't be anything compared to what the rest of the family were feeling.
I chose to continue with my dinner arrangement. If I stayed in alone I would feel even worse. So I was delighted to be collected and taken to an amazing restaurant - a railway carriage, owned by Greek Cypriots serving Italian fare! See details here
The company was good, food brilliant and staff very attentive. Our waitress Amy was worried about her dentist trip today - I couldn't resist offering suggestions to ease her worry, such as taking in her iPod with favourite music on!
I tried to shake my sadness but it remains, lurking, just beneath the surface. It was really nice to be complimented and treated, yet memories and yearning for Clive are still so strong. I did enjoy the evening though and would certainly go back to The Sidings.
Sleep totally evaded me last night. I was buzzing as if I'd had three cups of Expresso coffee. It was daylight before I did!
Ann shared with me this positive link to her daughter's blog:-
Today had certainly had NOT been the greatest. We all have to live in hope as difficult as it is.