Elaine Hanzak's Blog: Vulnerability

Clive was a big fan of using a dictionary. He relished words and had spoken about studying for a degree. Yet another thing he will no longer do.

I have just looked up the word 'Vulnerable'. Wikipedia says:-
Vulnerability refers to the susceptibility of a person, group, society or system to physical or emotional injury or attack. The term can also refer to a person who lets their guard down, leaving themselves open to censure or criticism. Vulnerability refers to a person's state of being liable to succumb to manipulation, persuasion, temptation etc.

Why? Because that's what I feel today. I feel crushed. I feel tearful. I feel ashamed. I feel cross.

Why? Because unknowingly I have upset someone and possibly unknowingly someone else has upset me.

There is a saying 'what goes around comes around' so perhaps this is justification?

I awoke full of enthusiasm for life today. I confess though last night I slept cuddled up to 'Clive' with his pillows down the bed again - I haven't done that in ages. Just before I got up I stroked them, smiled and sighed as I made the bed. I had a full list of things to do at home today - within minutes I had a cup of tea and was cleaning the bathroom, music on and a purpose in mind! I have a friend coming to stay tomorrow for a few days so a great reason to clean the house.

In between I attended to office things and the list was going down well. I went to see Sue and Scott with little Ruby. Sue told me the details of her miscarriage at the hospital and about baby Kyle Clive's funeral arrangements. They want me to wear my bright yellow dress as like Clive's 'Celebration' they want colour and brightness.

I thought it would be nice to take them out for lunch, as a change of scene and not having to cook I know are helpful when you are grieving, so I suggested I'd call back later and we'd go out.

I nipped home to investigate getting the double buggy which was sitting in their hallway, returned for a refund. Then I got the two blows.

First was a text to cancel my plans for tonight. I had declined two other things in preference. I had been really looking forward to this company tonight and I guess my reply was curt - an earlier message could have allowed me to make other plans. A bit later I was sorry I had done that and suggested an alternative. No response all day. I know people have busy lives and sometimes other things do get in the way. Maybe 'normally' I would have shrugged it off. I admit I am 'roller coastering' and it doesn't take much to put me up or bring me down. I have allowed it to hurt me and I am cross with myself for letting it affect me. My bubble for today began to deflate.

Next was a phone call which completely burst that bubble. With a loud bang. In recent days it would appear that I have unintentionally caused someone great distress. I am glad that I have been told because I take it as a learning situation as well as being given the opportunity to apologise. In my current state of grief perhaps I am not functioning as I normally do. I had been involved in a 'quick' conversation in an inappropriate time and place and between us we had dived in at the deep end, unearthing serious matters, without the proper space and time to make considered replies. I should have been more alert in stopping the conversation but I didn't. I am mortified for causing someone distress. My purpose in life is to help - not stick my foot in.

Between the two scenarios I therefore have questioned my vulnerability today. I even went out to cut the front lawn and the heavens opened on me with pouring rain! People have been telling me that I am 'still vulnerable'. I didn't know what it really meant until today.

I took Sue, Scott and Ruby out for lunch and told myself off! They are suffering the loss of their baby and here's me upset because some one rightly reprimanded me and another cancelled a cinema trip! It was a comfort to have Ruby on my lap tucking into ice cream! At least the company are going to give them a full refund and free return on the double buggy - thank you Kiddicare.

I have completed everything on my list today and more besides. I didn't allow self pity to stop me. But it has all been done with a heavy heart and several tears.

I have 5 meetings tomorrow so I am going to have a pamper and an early night so I will be ready for them, brighter and less vulnerable. I didn't want to go out anyway ......!!!

In some ways Clive would say 'what right do they have to ruin my day'? But as I ruined someone's perhaps it's fair?

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