So why the change around?
Last night I made the effort to get myself smartened up and drove over to Huddersfield to Chris's house. Boy was I in misery mode though! If anyone had said I looked nice I would have probably snapped 'what's the point'!!
We had tea with his parents, Clair and her nearly two year old son plus one year old Emily - and Polly dog wandering around. It was mayhem with tractors, fire engines and helicopter toys in the mix. Wonderful!! I feel so grateful that I am accepted as part of the family in a few homes now. Of course my own remains the most important but my healing needs all the help it can get.
Chris, Clair and I then went to Scholes Cricket Club for an evening to raise funds for http://www.joebingleymemorialfoundation.org.uk/ .
One of our trustees and my dear friend Dinah's father was giving a talk on his life in the entertainment business. Graham is an incredible man who lights up a room in an instance. No wonder he has been a great children's entertainer (amongst other roles) over the years. It was good that Martin and Mary, other trustees also came along. I was so tired though. I could have fallen asleep where I was. But Graham's enthusiasm and charm kept me awake! He also writes pantomime scripts. Have a look here
No wonder Dinah is such a loving and delightful lady with parents like she has!
I was pleased I had made the effort to go but I drove back home feeling so incredibly unhappy and about the lowest I have in months. I have much to be settled still regarding Clive's death, so much is uncertain. That is unsettling. As a self-employed speaker there is the constant need for marketing and the uncertainty of income. All the hopes, plans, goals, plans that Clive and I had have been wiped away in an instant so I have to create new ones amid all the uncertainties. But the biggest hurt is not having Clive any more. This week has smacked me down to a level I honestly thought had passed. Apparently not.
I know that all the advice on bereavement is 'no rules' but it still is awful to have sunk so low. I wandered around the house aimlessly for a while - so very, very tired but scared to go to bed. Drugs? Alcohol? Don't be silly Elaine. This week I acknowledge how easy it would be to sink into clinical depression. I have been there before and there is no way I wish to go back.
I knew I needed help last night. I text a friend with the words 'you awake?' He was and within seconds by text I was giggling away! We had half an hour of banter by text after which my sides were hurting from laughing so much! The next I knew my phone was ringing - it was 9.30 a.m! I had literally slept like the proverbial log. In an instant I knew the low had lifted. After a chat with another lovely friend I bounced out of bed and have been busy since!
The next few days are filled with family, friends and a workshop so I shall be busy again.
On reflection what have I learnt this week?
- I am still very vulnerable and the loss of Clive hurts like nothing I have ever felt before
- I need to let myself grieve, hurt, cry, wallow, etc. as I have this week - it's okay and I feel better to allow myself to do it than keep on at 100 miles an hour to shut it out
- I have to let others know how I feel so they can help if they wish to
- Helpful sometimes means a gentle kick! Or a big one!
- No matter how much support, love and concern I have around me I know my life is MY responsibility
- I am in control - I can chose to let Clive's death suck the life and purpose out of me.
- I chose though to let it enrich me and strengthen my purpose to make life happier for others (including me)
- I need help and have to ask others for it and allow them to do so.
I have booked some tickets this morning to see my favourite Bruno Mars in concert. Clive's niece has to face giving birth to her dead baby tomorrow, bless her. I cannot even begin to imagine that. I have told her to put the concert date in her diary.
As my Mum advises me - always have something to look forward to. It doesn't solve the hurt but just maybe it helps with another 'h' word - hope.
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
Have a good weekend everyone and thank you for all your warm messages of comfort and support. They are much appreciated.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for but whilst we are here we should dance' - Author unknown.
I intend to. I know that's what Clive would want and I won't let either of us down.
This is for you my lovely Sue and Scott ..... from Uncle Clive and me. Turn it up loudly and dance with Ruby and Emily. And we shall dance to Bruno xxx