Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Trying my best ..

Somehow tonight I feel I am back several months. I have really tried my very best today but I cannot shake the huge sadness that eats away at me.

I did my list of things to do today and was up by 9 a.m. to tackle it. My concentration has slipped again and I had to cajoule myself from one task to another. I spoke to my Mum who always says the right things and I carried on at my desk in between household things.

It seems ages since I have had a slump like this. I don't like it. By late afternoon I decided I needed to get out so went into Tadcaster to the bank and to the doctors for yet another form to be completed for claiming against holiday insurance. It is so annoying! Why would we have booked a cruise knowing that Clive could have had a heart attack at any time?!

I was still wallowing and thought I'd better buck up! Food! Instead of surviving on rubbish I felt I should practice what I preach and stock up with some healthy but tasty food. I did so but every step I took I wanted to cry.

En route home I passed the local pub and a friend was sitting outside! Hooray! I fell into Paula's arms just sobbing how much I miss him. We had a drink and a chat I I left feeling so much better.

Last on my list today was to cut the back lawn, so I set to. I have the knack of it now. The fresh air and exercise lifted my spirits but as I then carried on weeding the emotions continued to be all over the place - one minute happy to be keeping Clive's garden looking good, the next bemoaning was it all just torture to be here when he isn't?

I was proud of the end result but also angry and sad that Clive isn't here to share it. I looked in my diary and have another busy week coming up so told myself to appreciate an evening to myself. An email inviting me out for an evening lifted me a little. I sorted myself a tasty salad and a glass of wine. I caught up with 'Relocation, Relocation' but got cross at the 'nice' couples who not only had each other but a wonderful family life and a gorgeous home! Where did it all go wrong for me? Where did the Enid Blyton vision go?

A phone call from another friend came just at the right self-pitiful moment!

I feel cross with myself tonight for lots of reasons. I know I have much to be grateful for. I have plenty of things to look forward to.

In bereavement I am learning that simply some days (and nights) are tougher than others. This is one of them.

The best thing is to go to bed where hopefully I shall sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be less tough?

Why did he have to go?

N nite,

Elaine x

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi Elaine

I found your post very moving and it struck a cord with me when I think of the people I have lost. It's not easy for me to say 'Please don't be too hard on yourself' because I in fact was hard on myself also, and reading about your day made me remember that I had days like that too. I'm a Spirtual person, but even I can't find a reason for why it has to hurt so much.

Thank you for being brave enough to share how you're really feeling.