Friday, 29 July 2011

Saying goodbye to baby Kyle Clive

On Tuesday morning I woke with a sense of sadness - that is nothing new currently but today there was an added reason. We were to bury Clive's niece's baby Kyle Clive. Sue miscarried at 16 weeks into her pregnancy.

I had Dominic and his cousin Brendan with me and we decided that it was better that they went into York. I dropped them off by Castle Museum where Clive and I had enjoyed a visit a couple of years ago.

We were asked to wear bright colours and 'the yellow dress' was requested and worn. Our group outside the church were asked 'is it a wedding' ....

Sue and husband Scott had wanted us to be bright. Their daughters Emily and Ruby were with friends so we had a small gathering of adults of close family. Even though Clive died before we were married I have been embraced by two of his brothers and sisters as part of the family. I felt I was there for both of us.

Clive, Ruby and Emily at the christening
The vicar who had taken the service for Ruby's christening a few months ago was there for us today. A shiny black estate car with blackened back windows was parked by the church gateway and a very empathetic young undertaker enquired if Scott or Sue wanted to carry Kyle. They declined so he did so - the white casket was tiny with two yellow roses on the top.

Scott's parents and Auntie had come from 'down South' and I walked up to the church with Sandy. She and Ray had stayed with us a couple of times. As the small procession reached the church doorway I suddenly felt an urge that Ray and Sandy should be together. I am so very conscious of couples being together these days.

I then walked into church by myself. I felt so alone. So lonely. Where was 'my man'? Such thoughts made me feel selfish though - we were here for Sue, Scott and Kyle today. We were seated in the small chapel at the right hand side of the church. The chairs were in 3s so I sat next to nephew Nick and his partner Sharon. There was soothing music playing. These nephews and nieces have had some sorrows this year which is 'heavy' for them in their late 20's and early 30's. It was bad enough seeing the boys carry their uncle's coffin - now we were faced with the smallest one I have ever seen.

The vicar spoke some words of comfort which were very appropriate and sensitive. I felt so sorry for Sue and Scott as they looked at the tiny casket. Was it just me that was thinking of the football that Scott would never play with his son? The vicar was right in that once a 'heart beat' is established a bond, love and expectations build and grow.

Next Grandma Lynn read the following poem:-

"Daddy please don't look so sad, Mummy please don't cry. Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.

Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind. Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.

You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above. I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.

I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night. Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.

You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane. That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.

When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows. Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.

When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug, Don't be sad Mummy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.

So Daddy don't looks so sad and Mummy please don't cry. I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

How she managed to do that, I do not know. I do know how very proud I was of her and also know how Clive would have been so.

Every word applied to Kyle but I also felt it did of Clive too. Such 'touches' of nature are a comfort. The last line really 'got' me because Emily, age 6, had told us that Uncle Clive will be looking after her little brother.

The vicar spoke of Heaven and the time when we'd meet again. Whoa! That hit me hard as the idea of Clive holding his arms out for me is the one wish I would give anything for. I had to grab Nick's hand and he squeezed it tightly as I sobbed.

Kyle was carried out and we filed out. Sue's Dad Tony, who was also on his own, offered me his hand and we walked out together. That felt so much better. As we stepped outside the sun had pierced it's way out for the first time in days. Just as on the pitch at Headingley when I spoke at the side of Clive's coffin.

We then drove to the cemetery nearby where a tiny hole had been dug. The kindly undertaker literally knelt down and lowered Kyle down. Sue had given us all a yellow rose to place on him. The vicar said a few more words and then we all did so. There were more tears and hugs all around. 

I made my excuses that I would be a few minutes before I followed everyone to Lynn and Rod's house. Truth was I needed to cry. I just wanted to be on my own for a few minutes in our home. I miss him Clive so much.

Back at Lynn's the family were all more upbeat. We ate, chatted and were pleased when Sue and Scott arrived with the little girls. I went to York to pick up the boys and returned with them. 

As we drove away later on I played The Eagles in the car. The tears began to fall uncontrollably. There was no thought process behind them - just a building wave of emotion.

We are having a few days near Bridlington at a friend's cottage. I knew where I had to go - to the South Cliff area on the long sandy beach where Clive and I used to walk Peeka and put the world to rights. 

I asked the boys to humour me and said I needed to go on the beach. Dom gave me his jumper to wear over my dress and I wandered down the ramp and onto the sand where I had been with my soul mate.

I walked towards the tide, which was out. The tears were like a torrent down my face. Why oh why had he gone? Why did Kyle go too? All our hopes, dreams, plans, goals, wishes, passion, etc. etc, gone. All the times I had longed for Dom to be on this beach with us and now he is Clive isn't! I closed my eyes tightly and prayed that when I opened them Clive and Peeka would be standing there. in my mind's eye they were but not in reality.

That's when I got angry! Facing the sea I shouted out loudly at Clive and told him I was bloody cross with him! He'd told me he would never break my heart. He had lied to me. I shouted that he had hurt me like no other pain I had ever felt before. Why did he have to do that? I shouted at him for the uncertainlties and challenges I now face and for leaving me 'on my own' (i.e. without him - I have many others around me). I cried. I hurt. I sobbed. I shouted more and more.

Finally when it seemed like I had no breath left in me I asked for his help. I just asked for him.
I turned to look for the boys and a warm and sudden breeze wrapped itself around me, taking what breathe I had with it. In a flash every ounce of anger and pain simply vanished, in two gusts.  I could not believe how calm I had become - and have remained so since. It was as if I had been in an exhausting nightmare and at a click had woken up. 

I spotted the boys running into the cold sea with the same enthusiasm they had as toddlers. They don't see that much of each other but they always have fun when they do. It is a pleasure to see. There is my future. They are 'the here and now'. 

I thought again of Sue and Scott and baby Kyle who won't play on a beach. He would have been a much loved little boy. He always will be.

I wiped my face and asked if the boys fancied a proper paddle. They did and the three of us walked in the stream at the top of the promenade giggling about the many jokes and banter between them.
This was me there last year ..

As we drove back to the cottage I asked a stupid question for two teenage boys 'You two hungry?'
And into the kitchen I went .....
As I served them some sausage rolls a warm smile drifted across my face as I remembered Lynn's words ….

'When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.'

Thanks Clive and take care of Kyle too. We love you both.

Elaine x

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