Elaine Hanzak's Blog: Does bereavement have different levels I wonder?

I know I have said this before but I am sorry. What for? For never understanding the real pain of bereavement until these last few months. If my ignorance has meant I have been inpatient or intolerant to others in the past then I ask their forgiveness. Clive would say that you should only feel guilty if you had done something intentionally wrong. It wasn't intentional so I won't take on guilt however I chose to learn from this experience.
I simply did not know how much it hurts.

When I come across those around me who have lost a loved one, even if years ago, I will now be happy to listen to their story and memories. I know I appreciate the opportunity to talk about Clive (bet that surprised you!!). Just for a little while it brings them back to us.

Does bereavement have different levels I wonder? Is there a score sheet that determines it? For example, the deeper you loved the person the higher the score? Living together, extra points? Younger? Etc. Perhaps grief is as unique as we all are? Our reactions are just as unique.

Perhaps because we were still in the 'honeymoon' period maybe my grief is so huge? I know I loved and adored my grandparents. I still think of them and miss them, yet the level was nowhere near as deep as this.

I have been asked to write some happier posts as this week I have struggled! I am only being honest. This week has been a tough one. Very tough. Yet when I look back in the months ahead I hope I shall reflect on it as simply part of my journey. A few people have been saying that 'it will hit me' as I have bounced along the last few months. I can assure you that it has! From it I will learn that I will be ready to support and prepare others in the future.

Friday was a better day. Ann and I are delivering our workshop for Children's centre staff next week so I was busy preparing for that. I had an exciting meeting about my future and the help around my business is as a direct result of my blog! Apparently the levels of emotion, feelings and love that I express about Clive and I have influenced others to look at their relationships and make changes to improve their happiness! That felt very good to know!

I then drove to Headingley to watch Leeds Rhinos take on Hull FC. Chris was my guest. He too has had a tough week missing Joe. What a pair! However as soon as I entered the ground the buzz of the event excited me. The staff as usual were so kind, asking me how I was. Pete Evans shared the table with his guests and the banter was uplifting. The meal was excellent as usual in the Premier Suite.
Once in our usual seats the emotion flowed over me. The ground was packed. The atmosphere electric. My heart broken. As the sounds of 'we're Leeds Rhinos' erupted from the stands the pain began to rise. Chris offered a welcome hand to squeeze and and understanding smile as I thought of how Clive would have been loving this moment.

Then I chose to change. I chose to smile at his memory. I felt him with us. I felt his pride that I have continued to carry on his love, support and interest in the game. Dom had wanted to come with me but he couldn't get away from Work Experience in time. Knowing he wanted to be there with me was wonderful for many reasons. I thought of niece Sue going through her miscarriage but pleased to have given her something to look forward to, even if just one night (I have booked for us to see Bruno Mars).

The funniest thing was that I spent much of the match explaining the rules to a guy next to me! Chris was highly amused! My 'friend' was part of a corporate group who had come from Doncaster and had not been to a rugby league match before. They weren't sober but were pleasantly merry! Having to attempt explanations added to my enjoyment!
At half time the banter over coffee with Pete and guests was fun and the final score of Leeds 20 Hull FC 0 was excellent! A really good evening - thanks guys. I even managed to drive away singing along to Shayne Ward tear free! Progress!

Yesterday I was with my parents and we have arranged some good things the next few weeks. I caught up with a good friend in Cheshire who was stunned at all my news!
Then Dom and I had a really good afternoon in Liverpool. He loves Hollister clothes and as he has done well at school again I said I'd treat him. We seem to gel well shopping together for a 15 year old young man and Mum!

Dom is a talented photographer and has set up his own photography business. He wants to focus on events. He will be our photographer for Clive's Memorial Golf Day in August. He needs people to 'like' his Facebook page please! Click here please!

However as we were in Liverpool, Sue rang to say she had given birth to 'sleeping' baby Kyle Clive at 2.20 p.m. I couldn't speak for the upset at every possible level. I know miscarriage is nature's way of showing that something wasn't right but it still hurts. His big sister Emily, age 6, has helped us all by saying that 'Uncle Clive will be looking after baby Kyle in his big, strong arms. They will be huggle buddies'.

Emily and Dom

HMV! Bless him. I have so much to be grateful for. I had to fight the tears as he hugged me knowing Sue and Scott had just lost a son.

We had our supper together and he went home to work on a mystery film (sworn to secrecy!). I watched John Bishop and managed to laugh out loud at some of his jokes. Clive broadened my sense of humour widely!

Today I feel more positive. I have also been asked to write a blog on 'What things can you do to make a difference to others and in turn give your own life meaning?'

It is work in progress!

Meanwhile look who I will be seeing soon ...

Sophie!

Thank you so much for all your messages about Kyle. We all appreciate it.
I was also delighted to hear that Clive was mentioned at the Success Day at Forever Living Products in Cheltenham yesterday as he inspired many there.

And he continues to .....