Saturday, 5 March 2011

The day after Clive's celebration ...

I managed some sleep on and off but got up and showered. I felt like a had a huge hangover. I think it was the after effects of all the adrenalin that pumped me up yesterday. But I still had a feeling of contentment, pride and gratitude for yesterday's events.

My parents emerged and so did Dom. As we were having a drink in the lounge I suddenly burst into tears and uttered a wail of 'please don't go and leave me. I am so scared'. As soon as I had said it I was sorry I had!  The last thing I want is to be a 'responsibility' for Dom and my parents. They have their lives to carry on with. I have to adjust to my new one. I want, need and love their support but not to the extent they cannot carry on with theirs.

Originally they had planned on going home to Cheshire yesterday but had decided against it. The new plan was for my parents to leave today but for Dom to stay a bit longer and be ready for back to school on Monday. We shall then start to establish a 'new normal'.

Although I felt exhausted I still felt a huge desire to write about Clive's celebration. So many people told me how it was helping them in many ways. So I felt compelled to do so but also for me - if I can write about it now it helps to 'heal me' too. It took me years to write about my postnatal illness and in doing so it helped me to recover. Maybe this writing 'therapy' will help me sooner this time?

Dom worked hard trying to up/download/edit the filming from yesterday. We got a message to say it was all in the York Press and also the London Metro!

My brother and his family arrived with plenty of food and support. Dad meanwhile was busy repairing a wonky floorboard upstairs!
I could not tackle the huge pile of emails still but I did actually confirm a speaking engagement for next month and also a couple of my meetings around maternal mental health in the Northwest. The phone is a little easier somehow. I had just agreed to be an expert with Prima Baby magazine and just before Clive died. I shall have to begin that soon. Part of me wants to just sit amongst his things and spend hours reading all the emails he sent me. I shall do so but I need to also to continue with my work.

I was grateful today that people have given me space.  I know so many are just a text away but I have been okay today.

Late afternoon I went with a few close people to Healaugh church. It was in the village where Clive had grown up. In the early days of our relationship Clive and I had gone in there 'just to sit'. Although Clive had requested no mention of God or Jesus at his funeral, for me I wanted something. I wasn't sure what. I did my first presentation spontaneously at a church service for World Mental Health Day many years ago now, which was what started my book journey and subsequently has lead me here. I lit a candle and after a friend of Clive's who is a Christian said some words I felt some of my anger abate. I wish and wish that my Clive was still here with me. But he has gone. I have a huge hole in my life and right now I never want another man in my life! I have never been 'single' since I was about 15. Perhaps at last it is my turn for plenty of 'me' time and girlie time. How can you replace a soulmate?

When I began my 'crusade' to improve services for women affected by postnatal illness I was alone in it. I now am part of the Joe (Joanne) Bingley Memorial Foundation so no longer feel isolated in that.

I now have an additional vision of continuing Clive's work. I am not sure how - as he would have said, the how will take care of itself. But I do feel I have a team around me of support from every direction and I shall call upon them!

So finally the house was just Dom and I. We had to spend some time trying to sort the video of yesterday via YouTube onto my blog but then we both switched off laptops to watch 'Pay it Forward' together.

It was only a few weeks ago Clive and I had watched it. The tears rolled as the main characters kissed. I melted when Clive stroked my cheek and kissed me. The world would literally disappear. Now he has.
After Dominic's birth which wasn't like you see in the films, I used to cry and get cross if I saw the 'perfect' birth portrayed. Why wasn't it like that for us? Does this mean now that I cannot handle others being loved-up, I wondered? Perhaps it will just be in the films as yesterday seeing Paul and Lee so loved up was beautiful. Two couples with whom Clive and I are very close are both due to go away these next few days. They have both expressed concerns for me - my message is go on holiday and savour as many magic moments as you can together. I am so glad Clive and I did.

In the meantime, Dominic has banned me for at least 18 months he says now from watching 'Titanic'!

Elaine x

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