Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Pain like I've never known.

After my earlier blog I admit I have faffed at my PC for several hours. I have checked routes of places I am going in the next few weeks. I have ... well, I don't really know. The time has just gone.

I spent ages going through emails Clive and I have sent over the years. His very last ones to me he sent from the clinic in York where he had his knee replaced the Monday before he died (the op had nothing to do with his heart attack).
They read like this:-

From: Elaine
Subject: N nite
Sent: 15 Feb 2011 22:05

Hope you are still doing well. Lynn has asked. Mark and Jordan called round to ask.
I have done the ironing cos it was on my list. Bored with gypsies programme now. Going up to bed now - am wearing the white top I brought home!
Hopefully we'll be together tomorrow
Your sleepy Princess xxx

(I wore his white top I brought home to sleep in).

From: Clive Gott
Subject: Re: N nite
Sent: 16 Feb 2011 03:26

We have some lovely friends baby. Other than getting into bed at 10.15 I have been asleep since you left. I just woke up with an overwhelming urge to tell you that I love you so very much. I just had to smile when I thought of you. We are going to have so much fun together princess. Back to sleep for me now though. I adore you.

Your content knight. Xxx

From: Elaine
Subject: Re: N nite
Sent: 16 Feb 2011 08:38

I am pleased you have slept. That was a lovely message to wake up to!
It took me a while to sleep even though I was whacked. I was cold, thumping head and a huge case of missing Cliveitis.
I woke once and it was still there.
Just woke now and I am missing two things - YOU and oomph. I have a list of things to do but no buzz to do so!
I feel I could go back to sleep!

Your dosy Princess x

From: Clive Gott
Subject: Re: N nite
Sent: 16 Feb 2011 08:46

Mr Hunt just came to see me. I'm a model patient, it is a pleasure to treat me and I can come home today. AND I can drive as soon as I can get in and out of the car safely. Certainly in 2 weeks.

We are an amazing couple Elaine. Xxx

From: Elaine Hanzak
Date: Wed, 16 Feb 2011 09:18:11
Subject: Re: N nite

Well done you. Any idea of time?

I will be honest with you - I did like it when you needed me to drive last time. I like looking after you. Of course I want you well - this is why you had it done. But you have to accept you have had surgery which needs time to heal.
So please allow us some rest time, mentally and physically because we need it as we have a busy time to come.

I am not wanting to burst your bubble AT ALL but I have to remain the cautious one here. We don't want you over doing stuff and suffering as a result. Remember how you felt in Dublin airport?

We will get you right as soon as we can but as your soulmate I need you to take it steady and yes I need you to need me even if for a little while.

That sounds so selfish but I think you know what I am trying to say.

I can't bare to see you in pain and I have no intention of holding you back but I have every intention of protecting you from you!!!

Let me know when you will be ready.

Your protective Princess xx

From: Clive Gott
Subject: Re: N nite
Sent: 16 Feb 2011  09:31

What did I do to deserve you baby? I know how much you want to protect me and I'm happy to let you do that baby. It just means that I can do some of the driving over 1st and 2nd March. (He was booked to speak in Perth, Scotland).  But to be honest I'm just happy that I can drive to the game on 18th. (Rugby!)

I feel hugely privileged that you are my protector in times like this baby so you go ahead and nurse away to your hearts content. I truly adore you my beautiful princess. Xxx


And that's it. No more 'Clive Gott' in my inbox. No more Clive to tell me I am gorgeous. No more Clive to plan and do all the things on our vision board. No more Clive to watch proudly do his stuff on stage. No more shirts to iron. 

I really don't like going to bed. I just see him there laying on his large pile of pillows. But he's not there. He's not there to snuggle up to and tell me off for being up too late. He's not here to wipe away my tears. He's not here to talk about what we've achieved today and for me to ask 'run tomorrow by me'. He's not here and he won't be ever, ever again.

Several times in my life I have had extreme physical pain and needed hospital treatment. They can put you on a morphine drip until the cause of the pain is found and treated. I now need the equivalent of that morphine drip. I do not know what to do with myself. I feel like a failure if I take a sleeping tablet. I just have to let this pain out. 

I used to be arrogant and think the depression only happened to weak people. It took a heavy dose of postnatal illness to make me see my ways in that one! 

Am I only sympathetic to people and conditions that have touched me? What else do I have to go through before I can empathise sufficiently? Are there more 'tests' for me waiting round the corner? I witnessed my beloved Grandpa die a slow and painful death through lung cancer. My Grandma become a shadow of her former self with Alzheimer's.  What next?

I am just letting this all come out. There is a growing heap of tissues on the desk. I feel as if I am being ripped apart and turned inside out. I just ache for him. I long to hear his voice. Hear his loud sneezes. Feel his hand stroke my cheek. We  had so much to look forward to. So much to give and share with others. It seems so cruel. All so pointless. Why let us be so very, very happy together for it just to be snatched away? 

People are telling me that I am strong and brave. What else can I do? Right now I want to crawl in a hole and not come out for a while. But when I do the reality will remain. My Clive has gone.

I lived for 44 years without him, 3 with. If I am like my grandparents who all lived to their 80's and 90's I could have another 44 without him. I know this pain will ease in time. I know that as I look back over these weeks I will see improvements. I just wish I could press a fast-forward button to get through pain like this quicker.

I have had a Horlicks. I have cuddled my toy animals. I won't open a bottle of alcohol as I know I would feel worse in the morning. I want the impossible. Clive back.

 He would always say about breaking down tasks into small steps. He would say that he didn't run marathons but a mile 26 times. How do I break this down? It cannot be done - why? Because try as I may he will not come back. I know we all miss him. I have countless messages saying how Clive made a difference to so many others. I am so proud of that and so was he.

I have said before that we had an expression when we were challenged - 'This too will pass and make us stronger'.
He also used to reassure me of his protection for me by saying 'Hand on tummy time' which meant he was close by. Clive would give me this 'anchor' for times and places when I wasn't physically with him to make me feel safe. He even took a picture of it ..

I adored his huge hands. It was his screen saver on his phone for ages. This would be one of those times I suppose.

So come on Elaine, what CAN you do? What small step CAN you do?
What's on your 'feel good' list you tell others to have and use when they are down?

This for a start ...

Clive loved this track. It makes me think of him in his car, roof down, shades on. Listen before you read on.

He would sing it to me often.  He was so pleased when the consultant called him a model patient!
And yes, he would ask me if he scored a 10 out of 10 for other things. And some things will remain a secret ....

Let me find him ...

Yaaay! Peeka too xx

Back in a minute .....

I am now wearing his big, cosy dressing gown which I have sprayed his Forever aftershave on.

Back in a minute ...

Now eating a bowl of his favourite granola.

Let me swoon over this one in his Action Man mode ...

Last summer I came home to find him like a big kid with a new toy. 'Look what I've found!'

He played and played this time and time again and yes, he did the dance!

And I just did!! Dancing in the office at 1.50 a.m.!!

And that my loyal readers is why Clive and I together were a force to be reckoned with!

I have just turned my mood from one of the lowest points to one of the highest that is currently possible by applying a combination of the 'tips' we give others.

Clive always spoke of the smallest thing you could do and that 'motion creates emotion'.
I recommend the use of the stimulating the senses.

So what are you going to do today that lifts your mood?

And once again - n nite!

Elaine x

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