Sunday, 6 March 2011

My Welcome mat.

So how did I spend my first sunny, Sunday afternoon without Clive?

Well I chose to be positive after my earlier tears. I cleared a few bits in the kitchen and put some stuff in the garage. I decided that I would still stick to our weekend rule of staying out of the office. Walk?

No! I know! It's a 'roof down, shades on' day! Quite often in the midst of cleaning and gardening Clive would announce 'coffee and scone at Thorp Arch?'
Regardless of what scruffy state we were in, we'd have a time 'warning' and within 15 - 20 minutes we'd be driving less than 10 minutes to a retail park. I loved his spontenaiety.
Many of the stores are in grass covered bunkers!

Clive's sister Lynn is assistant manager at Salisbury's there. I put a warm coat on and got in Clive's Saab convertible. He LOVED to have the roof down and sunglasses on, with music playing. We both did. We would even have the roof down in the dark! It was a guaranteed way to 'feel good'. So I decided to give it a go. It worked! I felt he was with me singing in the car.

Lynn was thrilled to see me and I shared her coffee break with her. I then 'braved' going into the cafe where Clive and I would spend many an hour putting the world to rights. The Sunday afternoon rush was over so I just popped in to tell the owner Tim my news. Needless to say he was shocked. I explained I wasn't stopping this time but at least I have taken that off my 'last time I was in here with Clive' list.

Next door is a garden centre - again a regular place we would go to spruce up our garden. With the money I'd been given to 'treat myself' I asked for Clive's help in finding something. Within a couple of minutes I'd spotted the very thing - a bright 'Welcome' door mat. I loved it! I nipped back to show Lynn and tell her I'd survived then with the car roof down and shades on in the Spring sunshine, I drove home with a smile on my face, even though my heart remains like lead.

I put the Eliza Doolittle CD on which I'd broken my heart to last week. Strange today that the same song 'Walk backwards with me' really comforted me this time, with lyrics about smiling and dancing again.

Back at home I brightened up the front door:-

Flowers will always now greet my visitors! And yes, those roses and lilies are the ones from Clive's last journey on Wednesday. I am so delighted that my idea for people to buy flowers from or on behalf of Clive is still going on! I got more photographs today of other bouquets that have been given in his memory.
I then tidied up his car - wasn't too bad as he'd done both our cars the week before his knee operation.

By now the bedlinen was dry. This time I buried my face into it with a smile, not tears. That 'first line dried smell' of the year is bliss!

I then blitzed the bedroom with polish, put clean, fresh linen on and even cleaned the mirrors and ensuite. Great! All clean and cosy for later.

I spent the evening with Michelle, Mark, Jemma and Jordan next door having a tasty chicken roast and chocolate cake served with a generous helping of talk about Clive. We also watched a film but were naughty chatting over it - sorry Jemma.  Thank you for letting me gate crash and I shall return the favour soon.  A really relaxed end to a sunny, Spring Sunday.

I guess I have to conclude today that I have enjoyed my choices.  On reflection maybe changing the bed linen was a good idea.

But this is now my least favourite part of the day. Bedtime. I also feel nervous about this coming week and attempting to pick up the pieces of 'life'. Or am I being too tough on myself? My GP gave me an 'unfit for work' note for four weeks so why am I feeling that I should be back 'at it' tomorrow? I have only just had two reasonable nights sleep in two weeks. I have a mound of paperwork to attend to and begin the admin side of dealing with bereavement. I would be the first to advise others to 'be kind to yourself'. Maybe that is what I should do. I have two sets of meetings this week which I would have been going to. Part of me wants to go but on the other hand maybe I do need more time to adjust?

I guess the answer is to take it day by day.

But first I have to get through tonight.

Guess there is always Suduko!

Elaine x

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