It may not seem much but today I have changed the bedding on our bed without a tear; done a few loads of washing which is now all dried, ironed and put away! The recycling bins are all out at the bottom of the drive too. I have eaten well and am ending today with some sense of achievement.
Okay so the emails and my end of year accounts are still waiting but the above is a step in the right direction. The fact I have concentrated on something is a good thing and I shall give myself credit for it rather than knock myself for what I didn't do!
My blog this afternoon did help and I did get a bit busy afterwards. I got a text late afternoon from Michelle to ask if I wanted to go for a walk with Jemma, Harvey dog and her. I could have used the 'waiting for a parcel' or 'I have emails to answer' BUT I replied 'yes please'!
I left the parcel with Simon next door and enjoyed a therapeutic walk in the spring sunshine with my friends - AND left my Blackberry at home!
Meanwhile I got so many lovely texts and messages from you about my last posting I was quite choked with gratitude and appreciation. Equally a long phone call with a friend to sort a technical problem I had totally gave me confidence in the human race!
Tonight I actually put the television on and watched an old Location, Location, Location, whilst I ate my tea.
I then chose to do the ironing. There is something very pleasurable about doing all the laundry process on the same day! I put 'One born every minute' on, the birth programme. I had been watching all the early ones in this series as it keeps me in touch with the new mums I help with postnatal depression. I also just love the miracle of birth and the infinite variety of reactions to it! Tonight was very poignant as we saw triplets come into the world. What wonderful parents! The ward sister is a classic 'old school' midwife who quite openly admits that she has no-one at home waiting for her so she often stays to help. People may knock the NHS but it is exactly the professionals like her that make us very lucky in this country.
As I ironed I had many memories of the last few years with Clive. I admit I used to be quite snobbish about team regalia! I am not from a family of sport enthusiasts and I confess I used to think team strips were not the best of dress! Clive used to tease me about this and as I changed by him introducing me to Leeds Rhinos rugby league I began to wear their colours with pride! Little by little a new top would appear.
This is one of my favourites which says 'Nice try' on it. We had a brilliant day last summer at Huddersfield with our friends Bob and Nic (above). Clive thought it was 'cool' for us two to be swigging pints and eating pies! I loved the variety Clive and I had in our lives - one day on the top table at a swish do, the next - pie and pints!
I actually ironed his last clothes tonight. I had been putting it off but perhaps by being engrossed in the baby programme I made it easier on myself? There was one of his favourite white Oakley t-shirts though that brought a lump to my throat. I wrapped the arms around myself and imagined my head on his chest. I used to tell him that was my favourite place in the world. It was. And this T-shirt which he wore when we went to Vilamoura in Portugal a couple of summers ago.
I miss my man so much.
Tonight though I am also thinking of another family who have a tough day ahead of them tomorrow. It will be the inquest for Joe (Joanne) Bingley who died 10 weeks after giving birth to baby Emily Jane. Sadly she wasn't treated in the best of ways which lead to her taking her own life. I cannot put blame on anyone for Clive being taken from us so fast and too early. The pain is indescribable enough but how you cope when you know someone could and should have acted differently is beyond comprehension.
The website launches tomorrow too. http://www.joebingleymemorialfoundation.org.uk/
Take a look.
So what have a learned today?
- People can be wonderful
- That reading up on information in a crisis helps
- Giving yourself credit for what you have done is far better than beating yourself up about what you haven't
- Saying 'yes' can be therapeutic as can household chores when your brain is a mush
- Focus on other peoples' problems can help ease your own.