Saturday, 12 March 2011

Life's too short ...

I was stunned yesterday to find in Clive's Filofax notes he had made during a presentation:-

'Life's too short - so what are you going to do about it?'

So as I was going to watch Leeds Rhinos play I decided to text that message to our friend and player Jamie Jones- Buchanan.
Clive often used to send him a pre-match message and on receiving mine yesterday he said he'd pass that mentality onto the team.

Meanwhile I waited for my guest for the evening, Andy Preston. . Andy is a fellow speaker and trainer plus a Salford Reds fan and last year he kindly invited Clive and I, my sister and brother-in-law and my friend and colleague Ann and Ian Girling to one of their home games. Clive had wanted to reciprocate tonight.

Unfortunately he got stuck in traffic so we arranged to meet at Headingley. I was disappointed as I had been looking forward to chatting and having a chauffeur. Instead I got in my car and as I drove out of Tadcaster heading for Leeds a wave of upset began to hit. I MISS CLIVE SO MUCH.

At the risk of having eye make-up down my cheeks I held back and instead stroked my cheek with the back of my hand like Clive used to when we were in the car. Instantaneously I felt calmed. Listening to The Eagles reminded me of the night we had been to see them in concert last year. Clive had just come back from an expedition to Mount Blanc and had a bruised knee. He always requested end of aisle seats wherever we went so he could stretch out. However he'd got The Eagles tickets at any cost and had to take what was given. When he saw the seats, stuck in the middle of a row right at the back of the stadium his face fell. I suggested we ask if there were spare seats anywhere else. I'd once done this at a concert at The Royal Albert Hall when Mum couldn't cope with being 'in the Gods'. Bit by bit we got moved to a level she could relax at.

Clive used his polite charm to ask various staff. We were directed to the ticket office. He told his story to the young lady and then grabbed my hand, clutching two new tickets. 'Come with me' was all he said. New tickets in hand we entered the arena on the floor level. Bit by bit the staff checked the stubs and row by row we got nearer and nearer the front until we were in the very first block! He'd been given two disabled places which were on free standing seats at the side! We were placed between a guy with an oxygen mask on and a young lady with a leg in plaster! All about 20 feet away from Joe et al. It was a magical concert and we LOVED every minute of it. We did feel guilty though, which as Clive would say, is an emotion you choose to accept. We convinced ourselves that we hadn't done anything underhand, we'd just asked! However, when I wanted to dance for the one and only time he refused to do so with me - 'I'm injured!' was his retort! He came back from the gents smiling as he realised he had subconsciously developed a limp!

It was that night we drove home in the dark with the roof down in the car. Magic. Magic. Magic.

Soothed by touching my cheek and the sound of the music, it began to dawn on me just how right Clive had been:-
  • I was his last 'first kiss'
  • He said he would love me until eternity
  • He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me
  • He said he would always adore and cherish me
  • There is a line in the film 'Dirty Dancing' he would say to me - 'most of all I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you'.
I began to feel the warm flow of the 'love bubble' I used to get into either when I was driving to meet him or just sometimes 'being together'. That wonderful glow that you can bask in even on a cold and frosty night. Then I also realised that I will ALWAYS be 'in love' with him. A happily married colleague of mine once said that she loved her husband dearly but missed that 'being in love' feeling. When you just want to breathe the same air as them. That you will do anything just to be in the same room. When you are besotted.

Our romance will never go stale. He won't ever annoy me with the 'shadow love' aspects that creep in, i.e. the things you chose to ignore when you first get together. I admit and so would he that he could have his stubborn and down times. So can I. That's why were so good together. Generally we balanced each other out.

All these positive thoughts got me happily and safely to the ground where I met Andy. This time I wore my own coat instead of being drowned in Clive's. Yet again the warmth of the staff and other friends was so much appreciated. The meals in the Premier suite are always good and I tucked into it with enthusiasm. I had lost another pound in weight that morning. Pete Evans 
was great company as usual and had even text and called me to check I was okay and on my way.

Salford got first try. But then Keith Senior scored for us, then Jamie! Yaaay! I was so excited! The last two matches have been tough (we lost) but tonight I felt that Clive's positive spirit was back. Final score 46 -12. After the game Jamie came up to say hello and made my night! Cheers matey, as Clive would have said. And well played.

I drove home with the lights of Andy's Audi A5 behind me. A white version was on Clive's vision board. He thought the lights, lines and image was so sexy! We both suffer from Audi lust! For me it's an A3 red convertible - modified from a TT as I need space for Dom and friends or the baby girls in my life. My blue Punto sits at traffic lights and imagines it is a red Audi A3 convertible!

Back at home I shared my visions of my speaking career, wanting to stay in Clive's and my home and THAT car by my 50th birthday in August 2013. Clive believed and so do I that you become what you think most about. I am thinking those thoughts so watch this space! I do know I have to actually work hard  to achieve it and not just sit back and make positive affirmations.

So day 20 since Clive left us and it was actually a good day. I managed to sleep without a tablet and woke ready for the 'Speakers Day' Clive and I had planned.

Come back tomorrow for that!

Elaine xx

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