Thursday, 31 March 2011

Morning after the night before ....

Well it looks like I had you shedding a few tears with my previous post! THANK YOU so much for all your wonderful messages of concern for me. I do apologise if I haven't got back to you ... this is why ...

After a massive down like that there was only one way to go - up!

Actually I went to sleep very quickly after I had finished dancing in the office last night (sorry, 2 a.m. this morning). I felt proud of myself for having turned my trauma into a pleasure with no drugs involved.

I set my alarm this morning and felt drained when I got up but was genuinely happier.

This morning was major task! We had to compile an inventory of all of Clive's possessions, personal and business. It has to be done before probate can be granted - my steep learning curve. It was far from easy having to go through every cupboard and drawer but we now have the required list. In bereavement the finances and legal aspects have to go on too. My advice would be to make it as easy as possible for those that you would leave behind. The pain of loss is bad enough and if you can minimise these aspects then please do so- as soon as possible!

Then the rest of the day has been very good! Why? Little sis Claire and baby Sophie arrived! We went into Tykes teashop in Tadcaster and met up with my god-daughter Ruby and her Mum Sue. What an extremely baby-friendly place it is. I indulged in one of my 'feel good' meals - egg and chips!  I was delighted to have my two families together as is increasingly happening.

(I love this picture of Clive with Ruby. His big hands scooped her up so easily and he learnt the delights of a new baby.)

From there Claire, Sophie and I headed into York for a present for our Mum  for Sunday. As York was one of mine and Clive's regular shopping places I saw him everywhere! Sitting in coffee places; shopping in Jessops; trying shoes on in Marks and Spencer; Christmas shopping last December .....

Maybe because I had to show Claire around it defused the situation but I wasn't tearful. I enjoyed it. Sophie is so delightful and smiles at so many people - one flash of her bright, blue eyes and conversations start!

From the city centre we then drove out towards the ring road to go to the Designer Outlet village. En route we passed the race course. I had never been to the races before I met Clive. We had been several times since we had been together. I wore that favourite long dress of mine for one race meeting last summer. I had felt so good in it! We had got the bus into York and like the other race goers had a perfect, sunny day to spectate. It was one of those busy, busy events yet I just felt Clive was the only other person there. He made me feel that way in a crowd.

We got a taxi back into Tadcaster as we just missed the last bus by seconds! To round the day off we called in at the Leeds Arms for a drink with our friends Lee and Paula. The walk home was one of the most romantic and passionate we'd ever had! Both of us were in that truly 'loved-up and besotted' mode with each other - probably very annoying to witness! We strolled back down the woodland path, with the moon bright over us, proclaiming our deepest desires to each other. Every few yards Clive would stop, envelope me in his bear-like hug and kiss me so tenderly that the world literally disappeared. He took my breath away. We walked on a little further, excitedly talking about our forthcoming cruise, for which I would be taking this 'new' dress. Another embrace - straight out of Mills and Boon. I was with my Mr. Darcy, my James Bond, my Superman. Once again his broad chest was held close to mine, a little tender with the effects of the sun, I could feel his lips about to brush mine, as he gently leaned me back against a tree to take my breath away again ....

'Stop!' I cried out. He pulled away looking puzzled. Had he gone too far? Had he upset me? Had he come on too strong?

'Stop!' I repeated, 'This dress is dry clean only!!!!!!'

Well if ever there was passion killer this was it! We could hardly contain our laughter and giggled like 6 year olds the rest of the way home.

'That' dress!

I smiled as we drove past the race course as I remembered ..

The Designer Outlet village at York was on my 'list' of places that Clive and I had been to a great deal. He often would just say 'let's go for a coffee' when we had been working at home for hours.  In particular, he had written most of his penultimate book 'How to take life by the throat and say I'm not done yet' whilst sitting in the Pret a Manger cafe there. He had built a good relationship with the staff  who regularly gave him a drink on the house. One of their charming staff, Binto, was his special lady there. It's not with many people you go into a cafe and the staff greet you with a hug! Clive brought that quality out of others. He made them feel appreciated and valued. How do you show your appreciation to others for the service they provide?

I was very apprehensive about going there again but I knew I had to. Going with Claire and Sophie made it easier. We went straight up to the food court. I did grab Claire's arm and took a deep breath but then was alright. I spotted Binto and beckoned her to come over to me. I gave her a hug and told her what had happened to Clive. She had said she had wondered why he hadn't been in for a while. I then took a phone call from his phone asking if they could speak to Clive. I realise that I shall be in the role of telling people for some time to come. I feel in such instances I have to be calm and support them with the news.

We had our drink and cake (yes, a good day for food) and then had a very pleasant time mooching. I was so pleased that I had managed a whole day without an outburst of tears!

I made us a tasty meal of chicken, noodles and broccoli which Sophie devoured whilst watching her favourite programme 'In the Night Garden'. At the end of the children's BBC channel at 7 o'clock they play a 'goodnight' song featuring children being tucked up and kissed as they settled in bed. That was the trigger today! The tears rolled into my noodles! Claire wondered why - because that was the last thing I had done for Clive the evening he died. I had tucked him up lovingly, stroked his hair, kissed his forehead and bid him 'n nite'.

I recovered quite fast though. Today was all about enjoying being with my sister and niece. Then it was dessert. There is only one way to eat a trifle ...

I defy anyone not to smile at that picture!

Claire and I struggled with her travel cot so I text for a man! Mark from next door was our hero tonight. Several years ago Clive had put this house on the market. He had people wanting to buy it but he had decided against selling - the reason being that wherever he went onto he could not guarantee neighbours like we have here. He took the house off the market. Wise move I'd say!

Sophie had her bath and was soon settled. The night was rounded off with my sister and I watching 'car crash' tv on ITV2!  I have never seen ' The only way is Essex' before tonight. I honestly think it has put me off make-up for life!! I dread to think what Clive would have made of it!

All in all it has been a good day. Tomorrow I have my girls with me and a few other pleasant things planned.
I can feel Clive giving me a hug now telling me how well I have done today - BUT GET TO BED NOW!!!!

N nite,

Elaine x

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