Elaine Hanzak's Blog: Ingrained in my soul

I had another 'can't get to sleep' night but drifted off eventually. I think Dom and Rod must have scared the bird off from the loft as I haven't heard it for a few mornings. It was the recycling van that disturbed me today. I actually fancied some breakfast for the first time in ages and had some toast.

Then I drove across Leeds to use my last pamper voucher that Clive had got me. It was the route we'd followed Clive to Headingley on during his last journey.

This track came on the radio

It made me tearful. Clive often used to say I completed him. But WHY wasn't he still alive?

It was good to have my nails re-done but I chose a paler colour to the bright red which Clive preferred. I could see him with hand outstretched to 'inspect', wrinkle up his nose and just say 'Hummm'. I didn't do everything just to please him, you know!

The facial and back massage next was bliss. I miss his touch so very much. I have always been a warm, touchy-feely person. I thrive on affection, especially physical. I think that was one of the first things I noticed about Clive - his hugs! So many people have commented on them. Clive was a real 'bloke' and was just as huggable with male friends and contacts too. The girl doing my nails has also lost someone close to her and when I said how I'd 'felt' Clive around me on numerous occasions these last few weeks, she did not laugh but agreed as she had similar sensations with her late daughter.

I just found this email from Clive to me, sent when we were many miles apart:-

'...read this and thought of you princess...

“Your relationship with another person does not exist in the real world, you can’t point at it and say “That’s our relationship right there.” It lives purely within our thoughts. Your belief makes the relationship real.”

I believe baby that this is why I still love you and feel you even when you are 100’s of miles away. Our relationship is not tangible it is ingrained in my soul. I don’t need to see you to love you, I simply need to know you to love you.'

Ingrained in my soul. Spot on. Perhaps that explains these feelings?

From there I went into Leeds for a meeting with a genuine friend and colleague who is supporting me so well. I came home to find Michelle cutting the grass around my heart crocus. Clive believed so strongly in abundance and I shared that with him - perhaps that is why so many people are being so supportive with me.

In turn I had wanted to be supportive for my charity today, The Joe (Joanne) Bingley Memorial Foundation. http://www.joebingleymemorialfoundation.org.uk/ It was supposed to be the inquest for Joe today but it has been postponed due to recent evidence being submitted into her death. Hopefully by the next date I will be stronger to offer my support.

Lynn came for a chat, which is always a pleasure. I made myself a proper evening meal and have been busy in the office for a few hours (to make up for time 'off' this morning).

Today I haven't been as tearful. I feel more 'balanced' and just every now and then I do come across something that provokes a memory which makes me smile. I am still immersed in a deep feeling of sadness predominantly.

In my childhood I attended elocution lessons, as my parents thought it may help with my shyness - it worked! I used to learn and recite poetry at my lessons. Today I recalled this one called Remember by my favourite poet, Christina Rossetti.

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you plann'd:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

What have I learned today?

That I need and appreciate the support of others
That it is increasingly possible to smile and not cry
That having a few hours of indulgence is not a crime but part of my healing process

Tonight I take to bed with me the thought that Clive's love for me was 'ingrained in his soul' just as he is in mine.