I did well last night and was in bed with the light off by midnight. First time in weeks. Slept without the need for a tablet - my tonic was the number of late night 'are you ok' texts I received. You guys are brilliant! Just knowing there were so many people willing to speak to me then was a huge comfort - thank you so much.
I was woken up just after six by a bird scuttling about in the roof. We had this problem last summer and thought it had all been sorted - obviously not. By 7.30 I was jumping on the bed, smacking the ceiling with my slipper telling the bird to 'b****r off'! I must have dosed off again and was stunned to see it was almost 8.30 a.m. Biggest sleep yet I reckon.
The sun streamed in but I still felt flat. Another morning I could happily have stayed in bed and let the world just go by. Even though there is a television in the bedroom I haven't watched anything for weeks, apart from putting it on for noise sometimes. The news is just all so depressing. My first few texts this morning were still in 'poor me' mode.
I could hear Clive saying to me 'when you don't feel like doing anything, just do something'.
Simple as that. So I got up. I know - breakfast in the back garden again. We loved to sit here.
I had some cereal and a drink then decided I would try to do 'something'.
I realised last night that the house phone wasn't working. Clive had had two lines - a fax and broadband one then a separate land line number. When I had switched to me paying the bill I had wanted to use the land line number and transfer broadband to it. Somehow it had all got in a muddle. I called BT to be told I would have to cancel this, do this, do that. It just seemed too much! I burst into tears and in a little voice pleaded 'what do I have to do to make you sort it simply for me?' I think the assistant must have pressed a 'crier' alert as within a few minutes all was sorted! Well done and thanks BT. So at least I now have Broadband and Clive's original land line number. Phew. My only challenge now is when I get the 'cold callers' asking to speak to him.
Anyone got a direct dial to where he is???
Next choice was what to wear. I slid into a pair of pale blue jeans I got a couple of years ago. Last summer they remained on their hanger as they were too close for comfort. My stone and a half of weight loss meant I felt great in them today!
That lifted my mood and I got things ready for my meeting to sort finances, etc. for probate. A steep learning curve. Guess that is my 'education' bit of my Hanzak principles being applied. It is all making me feel very conscious of how important it is for all of us to get our 'affairs' in order and not keep putting it off under the assumption that we have years to go ....
Next stage was food shopping. The freezer and store cupboards are full and I shall wade my way through them I guess but the fridge certainly needed filling. I actually enjoyed choosing things. However, at the till I handed over a coupon (I usually have one) to be told that I hadn't spent enough. I then got in a muddle with my card and apologised to the cashier and explained I was having to adjust to buying for one, and told her why. She reached out to hold my arm and with a warm smile and empathetic eyes told me that she knew what I was going through as she had lost her husband suddenly seven years ago. She reassured me that it does get easier.
Back home I nipped in to see Michelle. She has become such a wonderful friend through all of this. She is a true star.
Then something amazing happened - I MADE MYSELF SOME LUNCH! I scrambled the goose egg that Rod had given me and had toast with it. Then had a yoghurt. It actually tasted of something!
The last few hours I have been buzzing! An inventory has to be made of all Clive's things. It appears that it is part of the process. I was aware it has to be done but so far I haven't really been in enough or have been to raw to even begin. We had a good sort and clear out over the last few months - when Clive did his body detox in January we also did a house one. Nonetheless I have actually enjoyed today sorting things a bit more. I had the radio on (another sign of progress), windows open and determination in me. I coped well with many things. I took all his coats off the pegs under the stairs and put them in a wardrobe. One had a furry hood - I nestled my face in that one and caught a vague Clive aroma. Loved it. I realised too how much I am everywhere in our home. Apart from underwear drawers so much is mingled.
Then the trouser press got me! Goodness only knows why. The last pair of trousers he had worn were still in there. He was a big fan of his trouser press - through years of hotel travel I guess. I stroked his black trousers in there complete with a grubby stain (he was a messy eater!) and the avalanche of tears came. I lay on our bed, where he had died, stroking the mattress and howling 'why'? Why did he have to be taken from us? Why could he not even have had a few weeks more? He even had the staples in his knee operation? Why couldn't we have had more time together? Why, why, why, why?
The mascara I dripped over the sheets reminded me of the stain I had left on his T-shirt in his coffin. I still have such vivid images of that. The coldness of his hands. The bristles as I kissed his lips for the last time. The smell of his Forever aftershave.
I wiped my eyes. Blew my nose and then just carried on. I emptied his car of things such as his Sat Nav and smiled at the 'fun' we'd had the night in Bradford a few weeks before he died when it kept telling us to turn left - but there were roadworks. He'd received a fine for 'being in a bus lane' that arrived a day or two after he died! I also found his Paolo Nutini CD which he loved. He would sing this to me, especially on 'roof down, shades on' days.
We did grow together.
I reoganised a couple of cupboards between his and my things to make it easier for 'the list'. Perhaps I needed some physical exertion. The PC and the mound of emails is still a challenge and one I will get to. But for now the tidying continues.
I rang Lynn to see if she would pop round as I had found a couple of 'family' photos she would like. I even put a meal in the oven and ate it in front of her! Food really does have taste after all.
I had found some 'keepsakes' today and some diary notes Clive had made when we were first becoming more than just friends. He'd said he wanted to share 'humour, adventure and mischief' with me!
That was another goal he achieved in his life! We had all three on a regular basis. For that I am truly thankful.
To round the day off Dominic phoned me in a bright and chatty mood, to check if I was okay. That has me beaming now from ear to ear.
So what have I learnt today?
- That an up has to follow a down
- That when you don't feel like doing anything, do something - the rest will follow
- That food does have different flavours
- That my story from yesterday is true -
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.