It's been a strange day. I was stunned that I slept for over 8 hours and hadn't heard my guests up before me! The sight of baby Sophie in cute pink PJ's was a welcoming vision. Within the hour we were all dressed and had to head back to the Outlet Village as Claire had left her coat and phone at 'Pret' yesterday - oops! Safely retrieved we went back into Tadcaster. All the time I had to keep telling myself 'live for the moment' as I could feel my mood sinking as I knew they were going home before lunchtime. I was beginning to be disappointed and I was still with them! How often do we do that? How often do we miss 'now' because we are already ahead of ourselves?
It was very windy and that brought my first potential tears for today. Clive's favourite weather was the wind. He adored being snuggled up on stormy nights - the noisier the better. He'd told me that if ever he 'went' then I'd find him as the wind in the trees. This reminded me of one of his favourite films with John Travolta in 'Phenomenon'. I won't spoil it for you but worth watching with this in mind ....
I told Claire about the relevance of the wind and she suggested I had a walk at some point.
Last year a new shop had opened in the town called The Play Room. http://www.theplayroomtadcaster.co.uk/phpindex.php?%20location=index where pre-loved baby and toddler equipment could be bought and sold. With my sister's baby, and Ruby I have become a good customer. I often have chatted to them about Sophie and Claire so today was the first time I was able to go in with them. They had heard about Clive and said how sorry they were. I hadn't realised they knew our connection but I was wrong! The shop was well stocked and we didn't leave empty handed!
Next was a drink in Tykes tea shop (again). I 'did a Clive' today and asked the polite young man who works in there his name and introduced myself too. If you are a regular customer isn't it more pleasant and polite to know and use names? Clive always did this and as I am such I have said before, we have got great service. Lynn joined us today too.
Then the 'crunch' came. I had said I'd walk home so Claire and Sophie could head straight back for their play session back in Cheshire. I kissed them both and walked away. I am feeling very 'clingy' for all my nearest and dearest when we part. It's not panic. Simply parting. I don't like it. I know I have to be on my own at times. I know everyone has their own lives to lead. I just want to gather all those I love up and keep them close to me. I want to hold them tight and not let go. This is neither practical or possible. The only thing I CAN do is always to part on happy terms. Also the secret is to have 'the next time' planned, which we have.
I still felt sad as I walked home in the strong wind. I fought the tears. I tried to remind myself of the story I wrote last night about the woodland path as once again I was on it. A retired couple approached me walking two dogs, one was a boxer. The man pulled the boxer dog over to the side and asked if I had a dog with me. I explained that I used to walk a boxer down here but no more. We got talking and of course they knew Clive. Their son Mark had attended his Celebration. Tad is a small town but one where I feel very much at home.
Then I drove myself into York where I had an appointment at the O2 shop with the 'guru', David, to change Clive's Blackberry details onto a basic pay-as-you-go phone so I can still receive any enquiries to Clive's number. Just before Christmas we had both had a very useful session with David and Clive was thrilled with all the useful tips he gave us. Yesterday I had called in to make this appointment and just as other places, for some reason people remember us two! He was very sorry of course.
The last screen saver Clive had put on his Blackberry was this:-
He had taken a picture of the card I sent him. Underneath the top occluded paper were the names of many famous lovers over history - Romeo and Juliet, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony, etc. He said he'd read them all to see if we were listed because if not, we should be. He'd often said one day our love story would be read by millions .....
For some reason I checked my entry in his Blackberry for my name. The 'title' he had me listed as was 'Love of my life'.
I didn't know that he had done that until today. I honestly don't know if to laugh or cry.
David did a sterling job - thank you - and I called at Tesco for a few bits. Shopping for one is sad. I even bought smaller cartons of milk. Small adjustments. Big meaning.
I have come home and one thing I did smile at was the arrival of my new cheque book and debit card as Ms E Hanzak-Gott.
I was pleased with myself as I then wrote a list - only a small one, for most important things to do today and achieved some of them, until .....
It just seemed to be another aspect of him that has just died. Gone. No more. No more 'Clive Gott' messages or calls. Silence. Emptiness.
Then, to my horror, I have realised too late, that I was going to ring his number for one last time to record his message. I HAVE FORGOTTEN. It is now gone too. I loved his upbeat answerphone message. Has anyone by any slim chance got it out there? In recent weeks I have phoned his number just to hear his voice. David and I had only spoken a few hours ago about being forgetful when you are upset. And I've just forgotten to save his message.
Luckily I had arranged for a friend to come and eat with me tonight. The deal was she is making the main course and I am making dessert (thanks Tesco!). So I shall soon have company and a pleasant evening.
But for now, what have I learnt today:
1. Live in the moment (again!)
2. When something is really important to you when grieving WRITE IT DOWN until it is done.