Wednesday, 9 March 2011

I am not alone

My Mum not surprisingly phoned me this afternoon worried about me after my post this morning. I told her that I was feeling much better because I felt I had such support. She reminded me of one of my favourite songs which I often reduce audiences to tears with in my presentations:


I have to credit Mum for instilling a love of music in me - Clive just built on it! Mum and I have been going to concerts together for years. And that's another chapter (or two!) to tell you another time!

So how did I change today around from the grief this morning? Simple - you guys!

I had a wealth of texts and emails to cheer me on, such as:-

Just a note to congratulate you on your wonderful news, how beautiful to carry Clive's name forward with such bravery and spirit. He would be so proud. It's such a fitting tribute to your wonderful relationship, which sounds as though it fitted in more highs and amazing moments together than many couples do in thirty years of marriage.
Your blogs have been very inspirational and your experience of postnatal illness is something I identify with hugely. Your strength, courage to feel, deep compassion for others, enormous capacity for love and determination to be Clive's loyal, beloved ambassador and soulmate forever mean you are an extraordinary woman; a true heroine.
Sending you so much love at this very difficult time.

How on earth can a message like that not lift you?

I also had a chat with a good friend of Clive and I who assisted us in defining our business needs last year and had helped us identify and use a client database system which is proving invaluable. Pete continues to offer me help and support.

That phone call took me into the office and I began to shuffle a few papers, which an hour earlier I simply could not face.

Then the post arrived. Wow! More stunning messages - thank you so much Ruth and Angi.

I made myself a mushroom omelette and then had an incredibly productive few hours writing and sending letters to banks, etc. informing them of the loss of Clive. My 'busy, efficient, organised' mode clicked into place. I buzzed and felt Clive approving that I HAD succeeded in 'Motion creating Emotion' - I had moved and looked what happened!

On my mental first-aid tool kit is exercise so I wrapped up warmly to go to post the letters. I did feel tearful as I walked along the woodland path at the side of York Road, where we had ambled on numerous occasions. I felt his hand in mind and smiled at four children who were watching the adorable lambs in the adjacent field. Lynn text to check I was okay and she had also been in touch with Michelle - I had apparently 'gone to ground' and everyone was worried. I am very touched by the concern for me. I just needed some quiet, sorting time today. I was just looking at the daffodils about to bloom at the front of the house when Michelle was just returning home in the car. Jemma jumped out of the car and came running towards me. With a beaming smile she told me that she had heard I wanted a microwave pet, that she had a dog version and she wanted me to have it. How delightful! With that I followed them in the house for a cup of tea and a chat.

I brought Michelle up-to-date and felt that I just wanted to go to bed! I was on the verge of postponing my plans for tonight. However, I went home, had some food and waited for Paul McGee  who is a close friend of Clive and I. He was at the conference we first met at. It was really good to reminisce and also for me to run by Paul my ideas for 'Elaine Hanzak-Gott' on the speaking circuit. He said that being in our 'office' was inspiring. I might take some photos to show you why ...

Next I had arranged to go and see one of Clive's golfing friends. At 5 o'clock the idea of even talking to anyone seemed too much but after Paul left I felt invigorated after sharing my ideas. I promptly got in my car and drove 20 minutes to see Russ. Originally he was going to pop in to see me but I decided that tonight I wanted to arrange to see someone so adjusted to his needs to stay at home with his children tonight as his wife was out. It occurred to me en-route that this was my first time going out 'at night' on my own without Clive. It was bearable. Russ listened well!! Thanks matey as Clive would have said!

Driving home I actually put an Eagles CD on and sang loudly as I drove home!

So what have I learnt today?
  1. Grief hurts like no other pain I have experienced
  2. Be honest with people - if you don't feel up to something say so
  3. That children can be so beautiful in deeds
  4. That sharing your feelings especially positive plans and thoughts is POWERFUL and UPLIFTING
  5. That people care so much about me
Thank you for being there for me today - I may have 'lost' Clive but you guys are certainly not making me feel alone and I REALLY appreciate it.

N Nite,

Elaine x





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