Tuesday, 22 March 2011


Today has been odd. Although what is 'normal'?

I was still wide awake at 2.30 a.m. so in the end realised that maybe a tablet might help - it did but I still woke just after 7! I felt flat and oomphless! Once again text messages cheered me.

I also had several phone calls from people just ringing to ask how I was. I was supposed to be going into Leeds for an appointment but was beginning to panic about all my unanswered emails for my talks, etc. I could feel my stress levels rising so decided to reduce them by postponing my trip to Leeds. I will reschedule when I feel brighter. I could tell today my mind would not have focused.

Instead I was at my desk for most of the day. I went to the banks to sort out my change of name. That brought a smile to my face. I guess today I have felt 'empty' and numb. I still feel that any hassle I have now pales into insignificance in comparison to losing Clive. I see him all over the house. I see him in the street. I just wish and wish he was still here - as my Knight, my best friend, my soul mate. He would want me to be happy and that is what I must concentrate on. Yet the pain remains huge. I take comfort in things being just as he left them in our home. When is the right time to 'clear'? No-one tell you. I know I have to eventually but the thought of it right now is just too painful. I feel I have flat-lined today. Nothing has made me feel particularly happy, nothing particularly sad. Perhaps this is another 'stage'.

Lynn had asked me round for my tea (evening meal to those who aren't from up North!). There is a cunning plot to ensure that I eat!

Then this evening has been spent with our friends Nip and Ellie. Lovely to see you guys! 

The light of my life is certainly my son Dominic. Just speaking to him tonight was a thrill and we have made plans for the weekend.

Some of you will have seen his appearance on the pitch at Headingley to give me a spontaneous hug after I had spoken about Clive. He has a passion for filming and photography. He filmed the proceedings that day and the rest of the speeches will follow.

In the meantime he has been working on this film with some of his friends. This is the pilot and they will be making more episodes to be shown on the web! I am delighted to support his hobby. Dom has asked for feedback on this:

Well, here it is. The pilot for Gone. We like it, and we hope you do as well. Leave feedback, no matter how negative. Please note that some things which may appear to be continuity errors are actually part of the plot. Ask any questions you want.

Please pass on comments via me at elaine@hanzak.com or via his You Tube page for this at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weDHV6MdHZ8
or Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/Gonechannel

I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that Clive has, in fact, Gone.

It doesn't make it any easier but today I have learnt:-
  • That having a tablet doesn't make you a failure - it's a short-term crutch
  • That choosing to reduce stress is beneficial if you can - being honest is better than busting a gut
  • That after losing someone you adored and cherished that sweating over small stuff is not worth it
  • That making plans for things to look forward to is always good.
N nite

Elaine x

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