Sunday, 1 May 2011

Enjoying my choices?

In death we have no choice but in life we do. Clive suggested sometimes that in answer to the question 'how are you' instead of the standard 'fine thanks' surprise them with either 'fantastic' or 'I am enjoying my choices'.
That's where I am now - in Llandudno unexpectedly!

I had planned to go back home today and Rod was coming to put up the light in the bedroom. I would have been tempted to spend the rest of this sunny, Sunday Bank Holiday on my own. Dom is revising. The rest of my family are busy.

Late last night I discovered that my friend Chris, baby EmJ and some of their family are 'down the road' in Wales for a break. Chris invited me to join them and whilst I wait to rendezvous, I am having a cup of tea and a think.

The town is buzzing due to a Victorian festival. Since my family moved to Cheshire 30 years ago, North Wales became a regular place to visit. When I taught disabled youngsters we would come around here. I once put a plea on Radio City and got a free caravan for my pupils to stay in. Remember Suzy running off, Glenda?!

 I remember coming here with my college boyfriend Greg Davies and his family when his Mum had died. We scattered her ashes on the Orme.

With my first husband we would have days out here. I remember meeting up for a meal one night with our neighbours Joan and Brian. As we walked back along the prom I took my shoes off as I often do. He told me off as he said I'd hurt myself but I chose to ignore him! I didn't hurt myself BUT I did stand in dog dirt which squelched through my toes!! Yuck!

Llandudno has many happy memories with Dom and his Dad. Dom would practice early walking, bike riding and stone throwing on the beach here. On a day trip with my family Nick threw me in the sea to Dom's delight! In latter years we have been to the ski slope here.

Lots of different stages and phases in life. It shows how people come and go in your life.

A lady has just asked me if I am 'on my own', sitting at a cafe table. Hmmm, that could have hit a raw nerve and she could have got an avalanche of woe from me! Don't worry - I refrained!

I am not on my own mentally. My head is buzzing.

Clive and I hadn't been to Llandudno together. This is a 'new' venture today. A familiar place but new emotions. Part of me is excited about spending the day with Chris and his family.  Yet it is also tinged with sadness for them as they are only here and our friendship has come about because his wife Joe took her own life last year after their daughter was born, and we now have the charity set up after her -

We are both faced with choices. Do we sit in and cry? Do we waste our lives with torture of what should have been? I had Steve Wright Sunday love songs playing as I drove here. Many times I could have cried. My longing for Clive is beyond words. Even now I yearn to see him appear in the crowds. We never did get to go on a fair together. He'd have taken me on the ghost train here! We would have looked at silly posters for the downstairs toilet. Yet probably we wouldn't be here - we would have been up early to walk Peeka on the beach at Bridlington.
So here I am in Llandudno. Little by little I am starting to acknowledge that Clive's death is a new beginning for me. I do have my plans to move forward. Clive would expect me to do so.

Perhaps the next time I come back here I will reflect on today. I am desperate to be in a time that doesn't hurt so much. Yet I can no more fast-forward time than I can turn it back - to when my beloved Clive and I had the most incredible love and life.

In the meantime I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and concentrate on enjoying my choices.

Will you?

Elaine x

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