In the early hours I wrote this:-
Why do I try to avoid sleep yet I know I am tired?
I have redone the bedroom and the image I have of Clive on the floor being worked on by the paramedics has faded.
I love my new room. I am warm, cosy and I feel safe.
I have my cuddly toys and pillows I put longways down the bed so it doesn't seem as empty.
I have had a Horlicks and no caffeine for 5 hours.
I am not tearful. I have had tv on and been doing Suduko.
But I avoid turning off the light.
Mum says I don't look tired. Maybe I am ok on 7 hours? Once I drift off between 12 and 1 generally I am ok until 8.
Am I making this a worry unnecessarily?
Should I just trust that my body will sleep more if I need it?
I know! I have forgotten the 'exercise' aspect of my Hanzak principles!
Tomorrow I shall ensure I do some. That might help.
I am open to other suggestions.
Eventually I drifted off but then seemed to wake every hour. As a result today I am tetchy, tearful and everything is too much! But I recognise the pattern so I also recognise the need to have more rest and sleep. So I have to do something about it. I have said 'enough' of this issue.
I have made an appointment at the doctors tomorrow. I have also spoken to a hypnotherapist who has given me some tips which I shall try tonight. I would much rather use natural healing and techniques.
My internet came out in sympathy with me too and I have lost my connection for most of the day!
I did buzz this morning though getting ready for the charity meeting held for the first time at mine and Clive's. He had decided that his nominated charity work for the coming year would be for Joe (Joanne) Bingley Memorial Foundation. It was his way of showing me how much he supported my work around postnatal depression as I did his. It is only just over a year since Joe died and I am very proud to be part of the charity.
This Thursday there will be a Quiz night for the Foundation in Huddersfield. Come and join us! Details are here https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/event.php?eid=156303404429967
After the meeting my mood sunk again and so I attacked the front garden! It was satisfying to tie up all the daffodils. I remembered us planting the bulbs and how excited Clive was as they grew! He would spend a few minutes every morning looking out of our bedroom window, commenting on how green the grass was, etc! The last week the front garden as been looking neglected so I rectified that today.
So I am going to try new things tonight, including leaving Blackberry in the office instead of next to me. I am going for a bath now. I shall light candles and be reminded of when I came out of hospital after my operation. Clive filled the bath for me with loads of bubbles, lit the candles and even put me music in there. He gently washed my back for me and made me feel so very, very special.
The simple truth why I avoid sleep is basically because I miss Clive so much. I ache and long for him to walk into our bedroom. I ache and long for him to be by my side, telling me how much he adores me and that everything will be alright. I ache and long for him to tell me again how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I ache and long for him to be there when I wake up.
Tonight I have tried to relax and I chose to watch one of our favourite films 'Phenomenon' starring John Travolta. Yes I cried, in fact I sobbed loudly but it was actaully good to do so and I feel better for it.
This is the track from the end.
So with that notion of 'dancing with life' I shall go for a soak and smile as I think of Clive.
And also the start of 'new habit's' in sleep and relaxation.
The office is closed until tomorrow when I will face the world with renewed strength as I have some busy and exciting things over the next few weeks.
Today I have
- Recognised I have a problem with sleep
- Recognised that it is my responsibility but I need help
- I have asked for help
- Am going to put that help into place.