Tuesday, 17 May 2011


Today has been another one where I have physically and mentally had to push myself.
Today has been another one 'at home' with a list a mile long.
Today has been another one I have survived!

First thing this morning I really could easily have stayed in bed and hidden again. I cuddled up to my 'Clive' cushions and remembered his broad chest. How I loved to snuggle up to it. I thought of the mornings that he had got up before me and would be beavering away in the office at his latest newsletter or blog!

I miss this guy so much

I actually shouted out loud  'Elaine - just get up'.
I put my head around the office door and groaned so instead I busied myself on household things - ironing, vacuuming. Okay so it was avoidance tactics!

I chatted to my friend Ann, who also is an excellent life coach, and she suggested I changed my language. I was using 'try' and 'struggle plus other negatives words. Clive often used to pick me up on this when I was feeling down. How often do we talk ourselves down further? I needed that reminder - thank you. 

Once dressed and mentally kicked up the backside I decided to do what I advise others and Clive did - little steps.

I was still floundering when I got a call from a friend of mine Mumtaz Hussain to invite out for an evening but also to see if I wanted to speak on her programme on Red Shift Radio at 1.15 p.m today as they were talking about charities. I took the opportunity to speak about Joe Bingley Memorial Foundation.
You can listen again at their website.

That call changed my mood and day! Why? Perhaps it reignited my passion. My purpose. My desire to make a positive difference to other lives. Was it because I felt useful again? From there tasks simply flew off the list!

I have spent hours sorting my new presentations and slides for the next week. Dom has helped me (again) with some technical bits and although not finished, the bones are there. I am eager to deliver it now!

In between I have been sorting some of the old office things out. I noticed a little card above where Clive used to sit. It reads:-

'Bless your difficulties and ask to see their hidden guidance.
Have the courage to accept what you discover and to initiate whatever action your healing requires'.

Guess that was his message to me today as I was cursing him!!

This evening I have caught up with some friends of ours who brought us McD's for tea! This is the first time they have been here since Clive died that I haven't cried! Progress!

I was telling them of how things seem to happen just when I need them. Our friend mentioned that he finds it difficult to 'let go' sometimes. On the bookshelf was a well read book of Clive's called 'The Secret of Letting Go', which I picked up to show him.  Inside the front cover was a card which read:-

'Take pride in how far you have come. And faith in how far you can go!
(Christian Larson)

I then came to do my blog and there were two comments on yesterdays along those same lines - thank you ladies. Perhaps I am making progress but I am just not noticing it. I was like this when I was recovering from postnatal depression and psychosis. I remember one day phoning my dear friend Sue several months after being discharged from hospital. At the other end of the line a very tearful Sue finally spoke,
"Don't you realise what you have just done? YOU have phoned me for the first time in many months".
I did not realise at the time.

Who can you praise or point out something that they have achieved something? It might just make their day.

So now it's time for Horlicks and some 'me' time.

Todays lessons -
  • Keep your language positive
  • Physical actions can lead to mental ones
  • Appreciate the input of others
  • Have faith in help and support
  • Allow yourself to feel proud.
I know it's corny but I am told you like the songs ...

That also answers the question why I can't sleep. I am still madly in love ... but he is no longer with us physically.

N nite,

Elaine x


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