Wednesday, 4 May 2011

There's a Kind of Hush ...

I am on a bus from Leeds back home to Tadcaster. Today has been spent with three different people, one at home then 2 in Leeds.

All three meetings have been enjoyable and hopefully will lead to mutual benefit and support. Yet now I am on this bus with a heavy heart, tired and tearful.

I miss having no one to share the minutiae of the day with. No one to share all the chats from today. Going back to an empty house. There are people in Japan and USA recently who have lost loved ones AND their homes, possessions and livelihoods. I know I am blessed with a big network of support but there is NO CLIVE!!

After the last few positive days I had a big cry last night after coming across this video. Bare with the opening bit ...

See what I mean?! Toughie.

But I did then dry my eyes, found something more cheerful then went to bed to read for a little while.

Clive often used to say that things happen for a reason; that we come across people and information when we need them most. Did you see my post yesterday about the blond-haired boy who captured my heart?
Well in the book I am reading (The Wheel of Life: A Memoir of Living and Dying) last night the chapter was about children with respect to disabilities. My eyes were like saucers as I read (page 165),

' There were no guarantees in life, except everyone faces struggles. It is how we learn. Some face struggle from the moment they are born. They are the most special of all people, requiring the most care and compassion and reminding us that love is the sole purpose of life.'

Over the years I have known many children with disabilities and like any relationships in life some are more vivid and deeper than others depending on how you bond. This reminded me of some of those - Louise and Dale for example. The memories of them made me smile.

Perhaps part of my purpose in life is to go back and spend time with such special people too?

The next chapter in the book concerns aspects beyond death and my eyes opened even wider. At one of my meetings today someone shared the same beliefs and experiences, as if to confirm it! Wow! Why this person, this day, right now? It is a comfort.

On the bus now I am overwhelmed with possibilities and potential. Basically though I am tired.

So I shall go home, take my heels off and my bra and slob in my dressing gown! I have done the equivalent of a days work so deserve some R and R.

As I can hear Mum saying 'stop torturing yourself'. Time for egg and chips methinks too.

Clive would be proud of what I have done the last two days. I am not sitting around expecting the world to pick me up. I am at least meeting it halfway.

Except this evening there may be a nap on the sofa!

How are you going to recharge yourself tonight? 

I got off the bus at Lynn and Rod's house, invited myself for boiled eggs for tea, had a chat and am now home quite content!

I also remembered a happy thought as the bus drove out of Leeds and passed the Opera House. Clive loved 60's music. As a child he would often 'entertain' by singing along to the main hits. His knowledge of records from that time was stunning. Although I was only born in 1963 and many are 'before my time' I would cope with Clive's enthusiasm for them in the car! We also went to a few Solid  60's concert, one in Leeds. At one of them a fellow audience member asked me at the interval if he was a professional singer! We danced in our seats and the world disappeared. Clive loved the fact that I too would just enjoy the moment and 'go with it'. He also was delighted that I embraced his warmth and affection for other people around us. I was neither jealous or embarrassed by his friendliness and gestures. He often added to others enjoyment of an event. Yet another reason I loved him so much.

I feel I need to cheer you all after the above song and want you to rest easy that I am okay again tonight! So here is one that Clive would approve of!

Can't you just see Clive singing along?!!!

Bless him.

Elaine xx

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