Friday, 6 May 2011

Where has my buzz gone?

In November 2009 I had a hysterectomy. I had many, many plans of what I would do in my recuperation time. My Mum warned me that after surgery like that I would be exhausted. That although my mind would want to do things, my body just would not keep up. I didn’t know what she meant until in those first few weeks sometime just getting up off the settee to go to the toilet was a major challenge! 

That is how I have felt the last 24 hours. After my upset the night before last, Chris came over to see me yesterday afternoon and we took Emily into York. There was no agenda. We wandered around the characterful streets and although I reminisced about being there with Clive, once Emily got out of her pushchair and toddled around, I felt my mind simply go into neutral mode. Emily walked and we followed!  As she shouted to boats on the river and pigeons in the park I felt extremely relaxed. We had an Italian meal with a voucher I had and Chris dropped me off back at home. Refreshed and grateful for company with whom we have mutual understanding.
I looked at my email messages and texts but simply could not deal with anything.  Even Facebook was too much!
I spoke to Dom and we arranged for him to come over on Saturday (hooray!) but after that I just came to bed. No reading. No computer. Just sleep. I just miss Clive so very, very much. No matter where I am ‘the hole’ is colossal.

I slept well but I woke up feeling like every ounce of energy had been sucked out of me. Why? I started off this week so well, with so much buzz and purpose. It has evaporated.
I stayed in bed, channel hopping. I can’t even remember what I watched! I think I dosed off a few times too.
By lunchtime I was hungry so for the ultimate indulgence warmed up yesterday’s pizza and ate it in bed!  I thought the post might inspire me to get up. Initially it did. I got up and dressed but could not be bothered even to shower (rare for me). I turned on my computer. Looked at ‘my list’ and simply could not face it or anyone.
I could hear Clive saying ‘when you don’t feel like doing anything, just do something’. So I ironed for an hour.
The rest of the day I have been on the settee and caught up with many programmes that have been recorded over the last few weeks. 

I watched lots of Relocation, Relocation. Why does it now seem the whole world is made up of happy couples? I know it’s not but it feels that way. I then caught up with Vacation, Vacation, Vacation. Part of me was happy as it reminded me of the many places Clive and I had been too – we’d had romantic stays in a wide variety of places. We had wandered around souks in Dubai; Time Square in New York; Rhodes Old Town; hills in the Lake District; Pyramids in Egypt; catamaran trip in Portugal. So many magic moments. So much fun, love and joy. We did undoubtedly fit a great deal into almost three years. 

The sad thing is that we had so much more to look forward to. The only bit I cried at was a film of the Maldives. I had wanted to go there on honeymoon with Clive. That won’t happen now.
I went into the office again but it was no good. Why punish myself? So I decided that nothing was urgent and that I was better just to rest and no doubt I will bounce back again. I know I will.
So TLC was the order of the day. I munched crisps. I poured myself a Smirnoff Ice which Clive had got in as a reminder of when he used to order me one when I was sunbathing on our cruise. I smiled and didn’t cry. Drinking alone isn’t much fun though.
Egg and chips for tea! I slept through some more house programmes and finally have just come back to bed.
I am not especially upset. I just feel so very, very drained. Exhausted. Weary.
Tomorrow Rod is coming to fit the bedroom ceiling light for me and Dom is coming here. So hopefully I will wake with a bit more oomph than I have had today.
Perhaps my body is simply telling me to take a breather. So I will.

I apologise if you are waiting to hear from me ...
N nite,

Elaine xx

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