After I blogged last night I went to a friend's house for a drink and a chat. She really inspired me to recreate some 'fire in my belly' which had waned a little through missing Clive so much. Thanks so much Sharon xxx
Today I awoke in a very positive 'back to work' mood.
I was due to visit the local special school so put on a red dress I haven't worn for a while. It was one of Clive's favourites (and he didn't choose it for me!). Last summer it was close to being sent to the charity shop because I couldn't breathe in it. Today it slid on perfectly! I know my Clean-9 diet had started my weight loss, but Clive's death has had a positive affect on my figure!
That was a confidence boost too and I drove the few miles to the school. I plan to put myself back on the supply list for occasional days but as I haven't taught for over 5 years they need an up-to-date reference so I have to do some voluntary work first. Initially I began to shrink away from the idea. Oh no! I thought I had left this world behind. I always loved the children but in the latter years of my teaching all the pointless paperwork, bitching and bureaucracy had turned me off it.
However, as I was shown around, the school won me over as it is so beautiful! It shares the campus with a nursery, Children's centre and primary school. It is built in a figure of 8 and the inner classrooms are for the pupils with special needs whilst across the corridor are the mainstream classrooms. They have every specialist room you could wish for and it looks like an excellent example of inclusion to meet the needs best for all involved.
Last night I had included a quote from a book called 'The Wheel of Life' by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who has also written 'On Death and Dying'. I will say more when I have finished it but she quotes a poem that had been on her Grandmother's wall:-
'Always when you think
you cannot make it anymore
from out of nowhere
comes a little light.
This little light
will renew your strength
and give you the energy
to go one more step.'
Today just as some negative emotions were coming back, the 'light' shone in the form of a little blond-haired boy. He was strapped into a standing frame, to help his legs and in front of his twisted little hands was a toy for him to spin. Everyone was focused on another boy trying to use a switch (called a Big Mack which I used to regularly use with my youngsters) but the blond-haired little boy kept on straining to look at me. I moved to him and on getting his eye contact and beaming smile I was smitten! He never said a word but he reached out to me and 'saved' me.
I must go back and spend time with him and his class mates. I could not fill my form in fast enough to apply for the CRB check. It will take a few weeks to come in but I have made a step towards it.
How can you reach out to others?
Clive did so in many, many ways. I still have heaps of emails from many, many people telling me how he inspired them to take actions that improved their lives. I intend to reply but please be patient with me!
My new favourite group sum it up ...
The rest of today I have actually made a 'plan' for May and June of what I would like to achieve as regards different income streams. Each month Clive used to write and print out a list entitled 'It will have been a productive month if .....' and bit by bit the tasks would be crossed off in bright highlighted pen to acknowledge progress. Tonight I have made a few small steps for all of them.
I know I still have huge tasks ahead of me. There is a wealth of uncertainty surrounding my future. For the time being I cannot do anything about that. What I can do is to continue to do small steps everyday.
My sorrow at life without Clive remains as immense as ever. All our plans have evaporated. Gone. No more.
The memories remain. Not only that Clive's words, values and beliefs run through me like a stick of rock alongside my own. The wonderous thing is when I hear other people say 'Clive would have said ...'
He regularly 'saved' people. Let's keep on making that legacy a reality.
P.S If you would like any of Clive's books, etc, details are here