After my wallow last night I awoke this morning with a decision to change my thinking on a few things that were bothering me - instead of stewing I took action! Within half an hour my mood had lifted just by sending a few positive messages out.
I then had an interesting conversation with a lady in Amsterdam and my talk is now booked for later this month. I can officially claim to be an international speaker again! Last year I was in Italy and I have also spoken in Sydney, Australia and in Brussels at the European Parliament. Since my book was published in 2005 I have also been to Dubai and New York for business. Women get postnatal illness right around the world and I also was keen to go 'global'!
From that call I had to hurriedly get ready to drive from my parents in Cheshire back towards Huddersfield for a meeting with Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation. Today we were meeting at Totties Garden centre, near Holmfirth. I was feeling reasonably happy until I turned off the main road onto one above Holmfirth where the vista was suddenly magnificent - the back bone of England, the Pennines spread below me like a patchwork quilt of moors, stone villages and so much sky. As if someone had flicked a switch a lump sprang to my throat and the tears fell. All I could think was 'our' song about wanting to 'stand with you on a mountain'....
We had walked in those hills so full of optimism and love. The hurt from last night remained. I had made a few calls as I was driving (hands free) and I smiled as I knew that was how Clive would use his time in the car. But now I just was missing him and our life all over again. Why does grief jump up and bite you when you don't expect it?
I took a call from a fellow speaker. I was delighted to hear that he had been able to give a couple of talks which had been Clives. As a speaker with integrity it is vital that you do not let anyone down - Clive would have been pleased to know that the audiences and clients had been given a replacement. Thank you so much Richard for your kindness to me also - Clive would have very much appreciated the gesture.
I arrived for the meeting somewhat flustered and with a tear stained face! I have to say that my fellow trustees at JBMF have become another family to me. I spent the last few years shouting in the wilderness it seemed around postnatal depression. Now I have an amazing team. The literature, website, z-cards and action plans for the charity are incredible when we considered that it was only August last year we first met. The website is already attracting a global audience! Two more workshops for children's centres have been booked and there are more in the pipeline. We are also planning a national event next year. My sadness soon turned to pride and excitement for the charity. The setting was beautiful too and lunch was very tasty.
I had a coffee with Dinah who is doing a sponsored bike ride for the charity tomorrow ending in Filey. PLEASE help her reach her target! Another friend of mine David Paley is also doing it. I feel I am beginning to put some of the weight I had lost, back on. I need to get physical again!
Next stop was at Chris's where we had a relax in the hot tub and played with Emily.
Tonight I have been to friends for a lovely meal and wonderful company. I am saying no more than that because it would appear that word has got around my friends that might 'tell all' in my blog!! As if ......
So as I go to sleep tonight my world is a happier place. I have made more plans today; shared and solved some problems I was facing; confirmed three more speaking events and spent time with people who enrich my life - I hope they feel the same about me!