Tuesday, 21 June 2011

What's your vision?

I was going to go for a candle-lit bath (to follow) but I suddenly got all giddy! Why? I just had a dance around the lounge watching a Kylie concert on Sky! Wow! Next time she is in town I want front row tickets please!  I defy you not to at least wiggle a toe ...

Today I began by being kind to me! I was up very late last night writing my blog and it was after 2 when I finally slept. The recycling vans woke me this morning but I decided to 'stay put'.  I made a few arrangements then had a sort of my make-up and jewellery ahead of my 'sale' on Sunday. 

I did a few office bits but then headed south to a small village called South Milford. En route I had the radio on and heard a quip that made me laugh out loud:-

Wife to husband doing a crossword, 'Egg on ....?'
Husband, 'Urge?'
Wife, 'Oh! I put toast'.

It seemed funny at the time.

Although South Milford is only a few miles from Tadcaster it is a road I had only been on a few times in the last three years I have been around here. It felt new. Unfamiliar. I wasn't sure where I was going yet I was enjoying the ride. I reflected on my 'new' life. I suppose that is how it feels. I could chose safe and easy options, e.g. move back to my parents. Go back to teaching full time or find a regular job. It still hurts so much without Clive but I have to move on. I have to push the boundaries, make an effort. The world won't come to me - I have to go to it.

Today it was to a hidden gem of a nursery and tea gardens. What a quirky place! Linda and I shared an afternoon tea which lasted almost three hours!  http://millfarmteagardens.co.uk/sitemap.aspx 
There were even sweets in the toilet 'room' and armchairs!! The food was scrumptious too.  More talks in the pipeline too ...  why oh why would I go back to teaching???

I returned home to the post. BT still haven't changed Clive's name from the bill even though I have paid the bill for weeks and asked on several occasions if they could please change it. I dialled the 'help' number. Is it just me or is it SO annoying when all you get are numbers and recorded messages? Is it just me that after 6 attempts you just scream 'Give me a person'?! After 15 wasted minutes I sent an email.

The phone rang . A slight delay and a foreign accent asked if they could speak to 'a Mr Clive Gott'. I said that I was sorry that he had died recently. They just hung up! No 'sorry'. Nothing.

Next letter was from the travel insurance company as a result of me cancelling our cruise and another trip. I had sent loads of information, got two forms signed from the GP but it seems that isn't enough. Aaaargh! 

Not quite as bad as a travel company who I asked to change a booking due to Clive having died. They honestly asked to speak to him! I repeated again that he had passed away. Their response was that they had to speak to the person who had placed the booking. I almost had to yell on the fourth attempt that he had gone and I didn't have a direct dial to Heaven!!

I could have let such niggles get to me but instead I got engrossed in a 'mountain' that needed to be conquered. My Inbox said I had 752 unopened emails. I started at the bottom and answered some. I then came across those that Clive had sent me the days before he died.

He had sent me this a day or so before his knee operation.

'Up and in the gym at 6...hmmm.  So much for a lie in.  Going to walk doggy now but wanted to share something with you.

I am writing some notes up from the journal I kept when climbing Aconcagua.  On 22nd February 2007 I woke up after a great night’s sleep and wrote this... 

“I woke this morning feeling very strange.  I have been single now for a few years and today that doesn’t fit well with me.  This morning I woke after another lovely night’s sleep and I wanted to hug somebody.  It would have been nice to have tea and a ‘cuddle’ in bed.  I have decided that I want a partner who will go about her business while I go about mine and we will share our news at night.  I want to watch DVD’s on my 2-person sofa with wine and chocs.  I want to walk and talk, go to a movie or a club.  I want to steal a beer on a Saturday afternoon.  I want to share holidays and mini adventures.  I want someone to miss if they go away and someone who misses me if I go away.  I want all of this and more and I will find it because I have too much to give to waste.”

I guess I have it now ey?  Create a vision has a whole new meaning now baby

I adore you.  Enjoy your boy and your family today.

Your getting on with stuff knight.'

He describes perfectly what I miss now and what we had created. This was why he loved this song and dedicated to me.

Next I began to look at the countless messages which I will share when I have asked permission.

Tonight I didn't cry as I read them. I swelled with love, pride and admiration for the great man he was and admired by so many.

I felt honoured to have shared his final years and moments with him. I also found this picture sent by David Ward www.connectin.co.uk . The last platform Clive stood on was at the Palace Hotel in Manchester to present this award at a Housing Associations event.

I think this is his final picture. Little did we all know that 8 days later he'd be gone.

Little by little I reduced the numbers, giving myself a new 'hundred' to aim for. Two hours later I had given my inbox a major clean with no unopened or duplicated items.

Each day now I will begin at the bottom and start to answer them, little by little, step by step. I was so engrossed I ignored the phone and texts to check I was okay!

By 8 pm. I was weary and gave up. Strict instructions to myself to 'rest'. I had the final bowl of soup we had made two days before Clive died. Then I found Kylie. As the light faded my desire to dance grew! I also took another step forward .. I love this photo of Dom on Facebook.....

So I actually took one of the many pictures of Clive out of a frame and put this in instead!

I am determined to sleep tonight so bath and candles now ....

I have a new vision to work on ...

Sweet dreams,

Elaine x

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