I had a very relaxed day today with excellent company, fresh air, good food and sharing a major achievement.
This morning Chris, little Emily and I set off along the A64 towards the seaside resort of Filey. I have visited places north and south of it but not the town itself. I did recognise part of the route as where a couple of years ago Clive had taken me for a surprise on Valentines Day to experience 'Go Ape' in the Dalby Forest, climbing in the trees!
A happy day!
We parked in the car park and area where the Great Yorkshire Bike Ride was due to finish later in the afternoon. Dinah Wylde, one of our trustees for the Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation, set up in memory of Emily's Mum who died last year, was doing a sponsored 72 mile ride for us.
Chris, Emily and I had a leisurely walk along the seafront, finding puddles to splash in, tasty things to eat and a windmill to blow in the wind.
As we walked to the end of the prom I was engulfed in a wave of tears! The memories of early Sunday mornings on the beach with Clive and Peeka hit me along with the thought of Joe not being alive to be with her gorgeous daughter and husband. Chris just hugged me as I sobbed,
'It's just not fair for either of us!'
I look at that photo of Emily and my passion to fight for better recognition and services for families affected by postnatal illness just grows even more.
We wandered past the signs for Tea Dances, The Elderly Persons centre, knitting shops and Mobility scooter centre and found a bistro for a snack! I actually liked Filey! It is an unspoiled British seaside town. In the Winter Gardens I saw this figure made of steel.
This is how I have felt so often these last 16 weeks - like my insides have been ripped out - all that remains is an outline. I know that gradually it is being filled in but just as it thickens, it thins again.
In the bistro I glanced at the evening menu. It was the kind of place that had candles in wine bottles with the wax dripped down them. A romantic venue. I felt sad again. I love to be treated, wined and dined. Being part of a 'couple' again seems so far away both in the past and in the future. How will I ever move on? How will I ever be able to be with another man without thoughts of Clive? Yet I am only 47. It is still early days I know.
The afternoon drifted on with a play in a park and finally we met up with Dinah's husband and mother-in-law near the finish. At last Dinah appeared! What a woman! 72 miles and looking as fresh as a daisy!
Her first comment after 'I did it!' was 'the food was gorgeous! I'll have to do it again next year just for the food alone!' What a star.
Apart from a three week Outward Bound course when I was 17 and a parachute jump when I was 30 I have never really excelled physically. Perhaps I should do it next year too?
The day ended with more food in an excellent Italian restaurant in Filey. En route I managed to fall over my feet and have two grazed knees and backache - should have had a mobility scooter!!!! The meal was a relaxed end to a poignant yet beautiful day.
As Chris drove me home my heart began to sink. I didn't want to be left on my own. However, I am pleased with myself because I haven't spoilt a good day with self-pity and upset. Instead I have written a list of things I intend to do tomorrow, have enjoyed sorting the photos and this blog, and am focusing on the next few exciting weeks as opposed to dwelling on the past.
I also am so grateful to have a special friend who understands why the tears suddenly flow and stop just as quick. A special friend with whom we enjoy silence and just 'being in the moment'.
Today has been great in that I truly relaxed and unwound. Going at 'Emily' pace is a tonic and letting my mind just drift was really good. I let the world stop for a little while and got off. Tomorrow I start on the list!
There are more photos of today on my Facebook page here
I bet Dinah sleeps tonight!