Today I feel I have a 'hangover' but it is from tears of yesterday and last night. After my big dip of emotion I did go to bed and to cheer myself up read my diary of this time last year. We were SO happy and so much in love. Clive was off to Southampton to speak to heads of HR from multi-national companies, I was excited about workshops with Childrens Centre staff. We had nights and days apart but there was the constant 'in touch' by text and email, each missing the other but enthusiastically encouraging one another in our endeavours. When we were back together I described it as 'magical'. It was. I know we did have our disagreements at times but it is no lie or 'rose-tinted' memory that we were so happy and brought the best out in each other. So many people comment on that and endorse it. As the advert in a magazine Clive cut out for me and is now stuck on my office wall 'You complete me'. I spoke to one of Clive's nephews yesterday. He reminded me that two weekends before Clive's death, he and his Dad had a weekend in Warrington. During those precious hours he had told him that 'if he died now he'd be the happiest man on earth'. It is a comfort to know that is how he felt. I just wish we could have had it for longer.
I then made the mistake of turning to the last few pages of the diary and the day he died and the following ones. Silly me! More tears! I did drift off to sleep and the next thing I knew it was 10.15 a.m. Unheard of! I haven't slept that long or late in months. I must have needed it.
I awoke to a stream of messages on my phone from people checking I was okay and suggestions on how to lift myself up. They were all so much appreciated and made me smile. Sometimes Clive would get down and I would remind him of many of his sayings, e.g. 'Motion creates emotion. This too will pass and make us stronger'. He'd wrap those broad arms around me, kiss me, tell me he adored me and add with a twinkle in his eye and big smile 'I hate it when you throw my own stuff back at me!'
That's what you have just done to me! But you know what? It works!
This made me smile:-
♥ INNER PEACE ♥
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can take criticism and blame without any resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you're probably the family dog!
So I had breakfast in bed, painted my toe nails and styled my hair. I do feel and look hungover though! Yes I am telling myself off for allowing myself to sink like that. Perhaps I still need to? Perhaps if I don't and stifle it, the toxin of grief will fester and come back and floor me worse as time goes by. Perhaps it boils down to self-pity? I am not comfortable with that thought but it is true. I don't feel like giggles and even smiling at memories hurts this morning. I am not really hungry and I don't need drugs. My face does need make-up as my eyes are cloudy, puffy and buried in white circles.
So best remedy for a tears hangover?
- Be good to me - as a dear friend said, when you open the curtains on a new world this morning, rejoice and be kind to you! Hence the breakfast in bed and need to 'move on' slowed down for at least a few hours. There is little point in telling myself off. I just had a wave of grief.
- Have things to look forward to - I am spending the rest of today with the amazing Molly Harvey. Clive had asked her to 'check I was okay' - she is doing Clive, good style! I am also going to make a few more plans before I go and meet her.
- Helping others - to follow below.
- Reflecting on all the positives I have still. I will always love Clive. I cannot have our life back as it was. I have to focus on building a new one for myself and new relationships. I want to be on as many platforms as possible inspiring others. That is my purpose in life. It is my gift and I want to spread it. I do know I have a sea of support to keep me afloat! This testimonial from a delegate from the IAPH conference was great too:-
So I would ask for your help in helping others as part of my plan today!
First is likely to be a huge help to yourself! I have made my life a little easier and clearer at the moment by having written a plan. is this something you need help with? If so my good friend David Hyner may be the person to help you. He is delivering a brilliant workshop on Saturday 25th June. All profits are going to his son's special needs nursery and school. As you know an area close to my own heart. If you are interested go to
If you do go – please say hello to David and give him a hug from me! He is another guy who I find inspirational.
Secondly, a lovely lady is going to be having a saddle-sore problem! Dinah Wylde, former staff nurse and friend of Joe Bingley now works for Health at Work as an Advisor. Dinah who also suffered from PND after the birth of her son, is the Foundation’s fundraising organiser. She was delighted to be invited to join the rest of the trustees (which includes me!) in taking this important work forward.
Dinah is going to be doing a sponsored bike ride on Saturday 18th June. PLEASE sponsor her to raise money for The Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation and other charities including St Martins House.
Go to http://www.charitygiving.co.uk/dinahwylde to donate.
Now I just have time to make some new plans, put my make-up on, positive thoughts and meet Molly!
Have a positive day yourself!