On Sunday evening I settled to bed quite happily and when I awoke I realised that I hadn’t put my ‘Clive cushions’ down the bed for the first time! Perhaps I am becoming used to sleeping alone. A bit of me was shocked and perhaps a little guilty but he used to say ‘guilt is an emotion you chose to accept’. I chose not to. Instead I believe that Clive would be pleased that the pain is easing.
When I awoke I did feel like I had slept really well and deep. I was still a bit groggy but wanted to crack on with ‘an office day’. I compromised and as my first task was to type up the evaluations from the Doncaster workshop, I had breakfast in bed and stayed there to type! A few hours later mission was accomplished.
Writing up comments was hugely motivating, e.g.
- Excellent, lots of practical advice to pass on to clients and use in own life.
- Really thought the presentation and stories of the personal experiences by the people delivering the course very informative and made the area of PND real rather than medical.
- I have been to lots of workshops over the year and have found this to be one of the far better ones.
21 from the 26 rated the day as excellent.
I tried again to get my main PC fixed, but to no avail. Plans are now in place for a new one and rescuing older emails and data from ‘dead’ one on Sunday. Please bear with me if you are waiting to hear from me!
I decided to nip into Tadcaster and get some bedding plants finally for the borders. I felt crushed when there were none to be had. I made myself a bacon sandwich for tea and began to feel rather sad and alone. Instead of giving into it I text Lynn and went to see her and Rod. They are settling into their new home well. An hour there and my mood lifted. Once back home I decided to snuggle into bed and watch ’27 dresses’. Set in New York it could have sparked tears as that was where Clive and I really began to know how much we meant to one another. However, instead I smiled at the memories. I also felt warm and secure in the knowledge that I have been adored so much by someone and that feeling had been mutual. How lucky were we?
Another good sleep and this morning was a pamper one as I had an audience to present to. I knew I only had a 25 – 30 minute slot and that my ‘normal’ keynote of my story and my ‘Hanzak’ principles to cope with challenge would be too much to squeeze in. So it was a new format today – still my story but I changed my tips into ‘Choice, Communication and Caring’.
The venue was Bradley’s in Huddersfield for the networking group Forward Ladies. Although the group was small it was good to renew friendships with some and make new with others. Thank you for a lovely lunch ladies!
Plans were made for more speaking events – watch this space!
From there I met up with Dinah, from Joanne (Joe) Bingley Memorial Foundation, and chatted about the charity and our plans for it. We met at Birkendale Garden Centre, which was impressive. I planned to get my bedding plants there but as I wandered amongst the Bizzy Lizzie’s and geraniums a wave of grief came over me. The sadness of how unfair that Clive wasn’t with me to choose them. The sadness of how excited he has been the last two years for planning our ‘explosion of colour’ in our garden. The stunning displays left me cold and I could not bring myself to get any.
Chris and baby Emily then met me. It was a pleasure to share a chocolate cake with them! Joe and Chris had also loved gardening together and he knew exactly how I was feeling. By sharing the emotions then chatting about the positives with the charity cheered me up again!
Then it was choice time. It was early evening. What to do? I realised it was entirely up to me! I still wanted plants but enroute from Huddersfield back to Tadcaster I couldn’t think of anywhere handy. I followed the signs from the M62 to ‘The White Rose’ centre, which I have seen for the past 3 years but never been! Adventure time!
I found a Sainsbury’s there with bedding plants on offer 3 for 2. Yippee! I got a few plus some reduced stickers groceries. I am still looking for a cushion inner so then wandered through the rest of the shops. I didn’t find one but I did find a bargain in Debenhams – a mohair cushion in teal for the bedroom with 70% off at £7.50. I realised that it was probably the first thing I have got since Clive died that I have ‘treated’ myself to. As I mooched I had phone calls about another speaking event; more support and a chat about the weekend with Dom.
I got back in the car and contentedly drove home. Today I have been listening to an audio CD called ‘Titanic’ which has been created by James and Sue who I met at the IAPH conference a few weeks ago. It was very atmospheric. I was also pleased that it didn’t make me cry with memories of our cruise last September. The description of the stars at night from the decks reminded me of the nights we had star-gazed.
So here I am back home. I will put the plants in tomorrow. I am impressed that I have actually put the lights on in the lounge to type this – often I go straight to bed. I have also been half watching a ridiculous programme called ‘Dating in the Dark’! I have had toasted crumpets and strawberries. I reckon this is what they call luxuries of being single!
Maybe, just maybe, a little of me is beginning to enjoy aspects of it. Today memories of Clive have left me sad but I have over-ridden it with a warm feeling that surrounded me, mentally and physically.
I continue to appreciate and feel the benefits from all the support around me and am increasingly excited about my future.
The way forward is to continue to make positive choices in attitude, language and behaviour. To communicate and connect with others in an open and honest way and to care for myself and those around me.
Bring it on!