Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Virtual hugs

Perhaps I should know by now the perils of peaking too early! I woke just before 6 this morning full of the joys of spring. I tried to go back to sleep but to no avail. I saw that the weather forecast was for showers so I decided to put the bedding plants in that I got last night!

Yes, I was gardening in my dressing gown (back garden!). I did some pots too with geraniums for by the front door. I had the radio on and happily put the plants in. By just after 7.30 all 4 trays were done. I still need more for the front but I promise I will do those dressed! My slippers are now in the washing machine!

I had some time in the office. Although my older emails are 'trapped' on my poorly PC at least my laptop is keeping me in touch. So I have been at least attempting dealing with those in the last few days.

Andy McMenemy came round for a chat. He is adjusting to life after completing his 66 ultra-marathons in 66 days. It was good to compare 'notes' on adjusting to changes in life and we both are creating new keynotes, etc. Clive was mentioned on numerous topics. He was a mentor for many of us.

I had some lunch and began to feel rather sad and got a feeling of being overwhelmed - house, business, garden, relationships, etc. I put the television on and was almost about to slump into a hole but shouted out loud 'when you don't feel like doing anything, just do something'.
I washed up and before I knew it was 6 p.m. My email blitz had carried on.

I was hungry and thirsty so made myself a healthy salad and sat on the settee to eat. The lounge felt so big and empty. I glanced at the photos of he two of us and the lump started in my throat. I had a wonderful message from an email which described one of Clive's huge hugs, laughs and warmth. I cracked. I howled. I sobbed. I just needed a hug. I knew I couldn't get one from Clive so anyone would be appreciated. I left my tea and went up to the wardrobe that I have put all his coats in. I put on Facebook that I could do with a hug. Then just sobbed into one of his duvet coats on the bed. I haven't felt that depth of physical pain for several weeks now. It seems to happen after a 'good spell'. Look how positive I have been the last few days? Why does it happen like that? It's like building up a tower little by little, then whoosh, it gets knocked over.

Within minutes my Blackberry was flashing and there was an avalanche of virtual hugs! Wow! It really helped. I wiped the mascara off my face and told myself that I had to cheer up. I finished my salad but was still hungry. Just as I was eating a small tin of fruit salad sadly remembering how Clive had got them as part of his dieting, my Mum phoned. Bless her. Within minutes she had reminded me that it is still early days; that I have no need to make big decisions at the moment; that I have a lot going for me and that Clive would not want me to be so unhappy. Yet he always told me he would never leave me or hurt me. Not true even if it wasn't intentional.

Potato cakes! I had a sudden yearning for some which luckily I had in the freezer. Mum suggested I needed comfort - I do not want to drink; I hadn't arranged for company tonight, so deal with it! I watched 'Waterloo Road' assuming Dom would be watching. It was an episode with a girl dying of cancer and filmed around Blackpool. A trip there had been on our list. Not now.

'In with the Flynn's' amused me a bit - the two programmes were a fest of British acting talent.

I feel better than I did earlier but I am going to switch off now, leave my phone and laptop in the office and put music on in the bedroom.

I am meeting Molly Harvey tomorrow who will inject me with her Irish warmth and fantastic boost to my wilted zest! Along with virtual hugs I know I will survive - and more.

N nite,

Elaine xx

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