Sunday, 5 June 2011

Easy - like Sunday morning?

This morning I need to do some positive thinking to get me out of bed!
Yesterday I had contemplated putting some of my unwanted stuff together to do a car boot sale this morning. My hangover and tiredness were the excuses I used plus did I really want to do one anyway? So the settee and I were friends. The winner of Britain's Got Talent sang a beautiful song about someone who had died ... I could easily have slipped into 'woe is me' mode and tortured myself with the 'Saturday night at this time' frame of mind. I didn't - instead I acknowledged I was tired so came up to bed by 9.30 with Horlicks and biscuits. If I want crumbs in bed so be it!

Since Clive died I have hardly dreamt. Last night was different. It was horrible. I had been admitted to a hospice with the first signs of a terminal illness. The ward was tiny - no wider than a corridor. Other patients were more advanced and their bodies were covered in open sores but their fingers were all withering and black, like frost bite. I was told I would have until about January to live. My biggest worry was losing my fingers - how could I type my blog? I would have to dictate it. How could I finish Sophie's cardigan? I'd have to be quick! My family came to visit and my concern was that they got counselling to cope with my demise. I reassured them that I would be okay and I would soon be with Clive again. However, as I deteriorated it became increasingly obvious that the staff were abusing the patients. The hospice was on a busy street corner and they'd put us outside on the pavement for fresh air but we just got gawped at by people. I complained for us all that this had to stop. At night the staff used the patient's pain killing drugs to get high themselves leaving us to suffer. Part of the condition was to lose the ability to speak to but in my head I was yelling out about the unfairness of it all and determined to fight for the others even if I only had until January.

Phew! I was glad to wake up!!! That's the first positive thought today! Have you read Louise Hay's 'You can heal your life'?
She suggests that many illnesses are a reflection of our thoughts and behaviours, e.g. that if you are worried about responsibility then often shoulder problems will follow. I was sceptical when Clive and others told me of this book until I read it myself. In the back is a list of illnesses and possible contributing factors. By changing your thinking and behaviours it is possible to improve your physical health.

Maybe that was my message from the dream? I do not want to be physically ill because I have so much to tell and so many to help. Maybe I need to take my own inspiration from the comments I got from my talk in Cardiff, for example, Such an inspiring lady. I'll think of Elaine when I need the strength to move on.

So here I am on a 'free' Sunday morning. I am faced by a wealth of choices.
I could get in my car and drive over to my family.
I could stay in bed and ignore the world and wallow.
I could send a text or two and organise company and activities.
So many choices - but whatever I choose I want to be able to sit down tonight with a real sense of achievement.

Clive and I had lists of tasks to complete on working days. Often at weekends we would do the same but the difference was that they were none office related things!

So instead of negativity I am going to get up and get busy!

I could allow Clive's untimely death to chew me up and wither me away. I loved him so much and so deeply. We all know he wouldn't want that would he?

My first task is to listen to Steve Wright without tears but smiles. And RIGHT on cue this is playing.

I have described before how Clive used this song as an intro for a keynote to highlight his 'this is it' moment for having everything he wanted in life - the house, car, garden, dog, fantastic career - and me.

I need to start work on my new 'this is it' moment.

What about you?

Elaine x

No comments: