I have been sleeping better but last night I woke up at 3 a.m. and the emptiness at the side of me was huge. The emptiness inside me even bigger. I felt the empty space at the side of me. I ached to hear his voice. I ached to feel his touch. I ached to snuggle up to his chest. Silent tears rolled down my face.
Why does everything seem such hard work? I must have been awake a couple of hours but finally drifted off to sleep. Everything seems such a worry today. I got busy at my desk and did get through some tasks and building on new steps to build my speaking business. Whenever I have had great feedback for some silly reason I then get doubts that 'it will work'! I love sharing my messages. For so long I have received the reluctance by many to book me because of my subject matter! Postnatal depression is just not sexy. People do not see the relevance in it unless they have been affected - and that is why it needs talking about! My new keynote is much broader so I should have less opposition to deal with a 'delicate subject'.
I was needed to help with Sophie today and I was delighted to. En route I reached out to feel my passenger seat, remembering Clive sitting there, usually fiddling with stuff as he wasn't a good passenger. Just an empty space today.
Perhaps a Sophie squeeze would be good for me? She is adorable and almost walking unaided. Mum and Dad had bought her a little house for their back garden.
I took her back home and stayed for a while as she played and entertained her parents and I. At one stage her Dad was looking at a picture book with her and asking her the usual question of 'where's the dog', etc. and she would point at the relevant picture. When asked 'where's the aeroplane?' she pointed upwards! So cute!
Tonight I just feel so niggly. Perhaps it was torturing myself but I just needed to soak up my man.
Maybe one reason I am struggling is that I need a new vision. For the past three years it included Clive. We would have been sorting wedding plans together. Building our business together. Living together. Being together. Growing old together.
And now it's gone.Vanished. Disappeared. Irrevocably changed and gone.
I know I faced a similar crossroads when we first got together. My vision had always been as a Mum with a family - like in the Enid Blyton books. That vision evaporated.
So I am faced with 'what now?'. I watch that video of Clive and the ache grows. For yet another time today I have reached out to touch him. And he isn't there. And he never will be again. If life is like a jigsaw puzzle someone has taken my picture off the box. They have taken out the corners. They have taken away the framework.
I know that I am making progress and coming to terms with his death. My diary is getting fuller. My energy levels increasing. I have a great deal of support and much to look forward to.
I just wish Clive was still alive.
My vision? Speaking on many platforms and writing.
My motivation? To be a mother that my son is proud of - for my tenacity, my positive outlook, my realisation that it is my responsibility to make things happen.
What's the smallest thing I can keep doing on a consistent basis that will have the biggest impact?
Keep breathing is a start! Keep making positive choices. Keep connecting with people. Keep on caring - for myself and others.
Guess that's the framework, the border of my jigsaw puzzle of life. Time will show the bigger picture, ey?
What's your framework?
Elaine x
www.hanzak.com
www.clivegott.com
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