I am having a 'we should have been' time. Last night Clive was due to present 'An Evening with' for Rotary in Chester. We probably would have seen Dom too.
From there we were due to go to Stoke where he was speaking at a conference. I was going to support him with book sales and networking. When that ended we were both going to Colchester for him to reciprocate for me.
That was how 'our team' had developed. We loved and thrived on mutual support.
We also had an amazing honesty with one another and if we ever felt something could be improved about any aspect of our work, we would say so, with no fear of upset. As a result people will confirm that his presentations no longer contained bad language and were less 'aggressive'! He was considered warmer and even more likeable. His increasing bookings reflected that.
In turn he encouraged me to relax, be less like a school teacher and to have a greater confidence in myself.
But now it's just me. Tomorrow I speak to NHS staff in Colchester with a patient-focussed talk called 'What makes me feel safe?' It could be just one word - Clive!
I better deliver more than that!
My bag is all packed. I have spent part of this morning getting ready. I smiled as I did a de-fuzz and painted my toe nails. Do the audience really care?
I know my cuddly toys that I now sleep with aren't fussed. No-one else probably would notice but I know! It's the same scenario as matching underwear - if YOU feel pampered and good then it reflects in whatever you are doing.
I am typing this whilst at Paula's salon, Genesis (which now has wifi!). I have a head full of foil which I am assured will result in me being a blonde bombshell shortly!
I am excited about tomorrow. It will be my first proper presentation since Clive died. I am looking forward to the buzz after I have finished! A technique used by speakers before you start is to feel and visualise how you and the audience feel after you have spoken. As our good friend Molly Harvey says 'be there before you get there'. This applies to whatever you want in life. I had visualised being on the pitch at Headingley on Clive's Celebration day as soon as I thought of the idea. When given a sales target to reach I was on that yacht in New York on 4th July. Vision works!
I have to work very hard to visualise feeling really happy again. I get small glimmers and then splat! I fall in the empty pit again and miss Clive so much.
This morning I put some Bio Oil on my legs. Instantly my mind went on Clive's knee. When he had his first one replaced in November part of bedtime routine was for me to rub oil on his scar. I so miss that intimacy. The caring. I always have needed to care. I loved and cherished the early mothering years. I adored caring for Dom and doing things for him. Bath and bedtime routines. As a teenager with a huge independent streak he no longer needs this either.
Perhaps now my focus has to be on me. Unless I look after me I cannot look after or support others. My advice line with Greatvine and Prima Baby is currently switched off as I still don't feel strong enough to support others as well as I could. I am sure I will soon. I know I am making progress.
This time tomorrow my tummy will be fluttering pre-talk. It's positive adrenalin that enhances performance. If ever I lose that before I speak that is when I stop. A speaker without passion is not as effective.
Yesterday I saw passion in the sky - a kiss from Clive?
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