I should recognise the pattern by now shouldn't I?
The high of the new bedroom is still there (as I suspect it will be for a long while). It was lovely snuggling into the new bedding last night - by 11 which is early for me. I slept well with no tears but had a restless hour or so before it was light. By 8 I was up and raring to go again! The morning whizzed by getting the house spick and span for my visitors over Easter. Every now I then I shed a tear over Clive as I know how excited he would have been now about our life.
As I cleaned the dining room I smiled as I remembered our dinner parties in there. He loved to play host and delighted in 'running the show' with his menus and cooking. His fillet steak was a marvel! And his rhubarb and strawberry turnovers, mouth watering. He would also create a floral centrepiece using a square vase with pebbles in and a single rose bud secured within the water. He'd seen it on one of his international speaking trips and always wanted to use it.
As I am an organised person I decided that rather than simply shove the decorating things in the garage I would clear a shelf in there and combine what was in the shed. It was empowering knowing that I now could place my hands on such things! Little by little I am HAVING to take control of different aspects of the house.
I even cut the back lawn for the first time! My neighbours have done a sterling job at the front. I asked Simon yesterday to cut the heart shape where the crocus had been planted by Clive for me as a surprise. I just want to be here next year to see them again. I shall have to work hard.
Darren, the window cleaner, knocked to say he was sorry for my loss. He has known Clive through the fire service. People say such nice things about him. He said it was good to see my positive attitude.
I did a few things at my desk but the next mission arrived! My new office furniture! Mark next door had surplus from his business. Clive and I had planned to move our office into the smallest bedroom which is currently a Ebay 'waiting' room!
My new desk is huge! So now I have a new task - to clear that room!
I had a few hours to begin then finally I have had to wash my hair and put make-up and proper clothes on! It was a pleasure to get ready in my new room.
I have now driven to Derby feeling very tired and weepy. Is it surprising? The rest of the country seems to be in wind down mode and I am going at 300 miles per hour! Not literally in the car!
I know I am my own worst enemy for doing too much. Clive used to be the same and one of the many reasons we were good for each other was to say 'enough'. The trouble would be if we were both fired up for the same thing! But we would have a rest and reward at the end.
I want to see Dom next week so I am wanting these things done so I can spend time with him.
I have had calls and emails the last couple of hours telling me I am strong, brave and courageous. I appreciate this but I don't want or intend to be.
I want to be being spoilt and treated like a Princess by my Clive. I pictured him bringing me breakfast in bed this morning, like he often did. No more.
I have come to Derby to find out more about Forever Living Products. Clive has spoken at their events for several years and loved the company values, products and people. It was to be another avenue we explored together. And here I am on my own.
I know I will be greeted by warmth by those here. I really just feel tonight I want to curl up and cry.
But no, - time to put on a smile and be amongst people who had a huge respect for Clive.
And here I am back at my desk in 'our' office. Perhaps this will be the last time? If I am as busy as I intend tomorrow I may be moving across the landing.
It was an evening of mixed emotions sitting in the FLP workshop. I could hear Clive saying about possibilities and potential - if you know someone has achieved something, then with help and hard work, it can be possible for you. The opportunities are amazing and inspirational.
Tonight though I was rather pre-occupied with missing Clive. I stared at the 'Forever' banner and all the products that Clive had used. I put his Forever aftershave on him in his coffin. Listening to the managers tonight I could see again why Clive inspired them so much. It was mutual. When he believed in a company he would be loyal and dedicated to them. If they honoured and shared his values, especially integrity and authenticity, he would be as faithful as Peeka, his dog, was to him.
On my drive back home I got tearful again. I know I have said before about how much I loved driving back in the dark with him. Tonight I reached out to feel his leg - nothing there but an empty space. We had a 'car ritual' too - if he was driving I would always have my hand on his thigh, or vice versa
'That would make a great blog!' he'd enthusiastically say. And it would.
At night we would talk about many things. Usually our plans together. Often what we hoped might arise from the event we'd just been to. Sometimes we'd play games such as 'favourites', e.g. food, place, smell. I wished tonight that we had recorded some of those conversations. I am scared I am forgetting things about him.
His favourite late night driving album was Chris Isaak's 'Heart shaped world '. He loved this track - I wonder if he'd seen this video?!!!
He wouldn't have been impressed with her chipped nails!!
I ache again tonight for him. I want to hear his voice. I want to touch his face. I want to hear him laughing. I want to hear him singing in the car and banging on the dashboard to a drumming bit of a song. I want to see that adoring look in his eyes as he glances at me and strokes my cheek in the darkness of the car.
Then I have to try to think of the positive things and what I have learnt today:-
- I am ahead of schedule for the new bedroom and it is amazing.
- Tins of paint perish in the shed in a harsh winter
- That I can take over 'his' roles in our home, bit by bit
- Friends old and new continue to support me in every direction
- That I don't regret a single day with Clive - to have experienced love like that was breath taking and there are so many memories for me to cherish
- Life is made of many opportunities - it's a question of deciding if to recognise and choose them that counts.
I just needed a Clive 'fix' so read through some emails ...
is it surprising that I miss someone who would tell me this ..
Just to remind you in case you have forgotten baby, you complete me. You are everything I ever wanted in a friend, a lover and a partner. I will be honest and say I did something silly and perhaps a little shallow tonight.
I took your white jeans out of the washer, shook them, held them up and said out loud "I have a lady who fits into these." I truly truly adore you my beautiful princess. That's all I wanted to say baby.
He once text me when he was boiling potatoes ... just to say that he was using my pan because it was mine.
I would leave him little notes all over the place when I was going back to my parents. I found them all stuck on a card last week.