Tuesday, 5 April 2011

The definition of success

For the last years of Clive's life he has stepped out of his shower to face a picture by Successories called 'The Essence of Success'. The message reads:

Successful is the person who has lived well, laughed often and loved much, who has gained the respect of children, who leaves the world better than they found it, who has never lacked appreciation for the earth's beauty, who never fails to look for the best in others or give the best of themselves.

You can see the picture here, - of a view of trees.

I am pretty sure that this became Clive's aim. He undoubtedly lived well - perhaps too well! Did his diet and lager contribute to his early death?  I guess I will never know. He certainly had variety and had fitted in more in his 52 years than many do with 90.

He CERTAINLY laughed often. Fun and humour were two of the qualities that made him who he was. He could find something funny in the most serious of situations and his wit was brilliant. This ensured whichever platform he was on, he would make someone smile.

Clive was very lovable and made no secret that he had been married three times. I admit that was a reason that delayed us getting married as I thought people would roll their eyes and speculate how long it would last! He always told me that he would never have a 'first kiss' with another woman and that he would love and stay with me forever. He wasn't wrong. I miss him so much.
He loved many other people too - some family members, some friends, of course his beloved Peeka. I continue to be overwhelmed by the love and affection others had for him. Nic and I read some of the many cards last night. Truly amazing.

He gained the respect of children. He would get the most troubled of teenagers in schools mesmerised by his stories and his messages of not worrying what others think of you and ways to beat the bullies. I think they were stunned that such a 'big bloke' could have been bullied through his life.

Ruby's Christening day

Clive certainly left this world better than he found it. The many, many testimonials of how he motivated and inspired others to make positive differences to their lives and of others was massive. He even improved the world by having a pretty garden. His kindness and spirit of abundance knew no limit - he would give to the detriment of himself.

He marveled at the Earth's beauty.
A few years ago Clive went whitewater rafting on the Zambezi river. He wrote this in his journal for me:-
Monday 15th September
It's 9.30 pm. I am in my very warm sleeping bag laying in the open air on a sandbank on the Zambezi river. Next to me there is a lagoon that is home to at least one crocodile.
Above me is a sky that reminds me of the perfection I experienced on Aconcagua in February 2007.
I can hear the Zambezi thundering through the gorge. There is a distinctive smell of 'nothing in particular', just freshness and a gentle warmth. I can reach a hand from my sleeping bag and take a handful of the finest, whitest sand I have felt. Right now it is almost perfect.
I say almost perfect because my sweet, beautiful Princess is many 1000's of miles away from me.
I came to bed early early leaving the rest of the group drinking and talking  because tonight my tummy hurts. Tonight I did what I promised I wouldn't .... tonight I missed her so much it hurt.
I will however sleep with her tonight. I will hold her with one hand on her tummy and my face in her hair. I love you Elaine Hanzak. Simple as that really baby. I love you unconditionally. xxxx

He has been gone just over 6 weeks. I still hurt. Badly. Clive always used to text me before I set off on a journey to 'drive safely. You have my whole life in your car'. It is a ridiculous question, but I wonder how he would have been if I had gone first? Do other bereaved people think that too? Pointless really.

Clive did look for the best in others - often in those who completely missed seeing the best in themselves. He often would come back from spending time with someone delighted that they had begun to recognise their potential. This is where his belief for matching underwear came from! If you are wearing something pretty underneath, it gives you a boost and you are more likely to perform better in life! Simple but true.

He also gave the best of himself. Two weeks before he died he presented for Forever Living Products at one of their Success Days in Cheltenham. He had lost an amazing amount of weight since New Year following their Clean 9 programme and was literally buzzing! When he came off the stage he said that those 45 minutes had been everything he had built up to in his life. He said it was as if everything was leading to that presentation. I beamed with pride as he told 1,500 people how I completed him. Clive was bursting with enthusiasm for his life, my life, our life and improving others too. How cruel for it to be stubbed out.

How many of us though can honestly say we have the Essence of Success in the ways mentioned? What one area can you look at over the next few days and build on it? Even in a tiny way?

Today has been frustrating, and tonight, lonely. It was great to have Nic wake me with a cup of tea this morning! We chatted about how perhaps I should also build my customer base with the FLP Aloe Vera products as another string to my bow. Clive loved the products, as I do, so I will have a go. In my first year as a sales consultant for Virgin Vie doing house parties for cosmetics and jewellery I was 6th out of 12,000 for my sales! My talks are my passion but there is nothing wrong with building others avenues too.

I did write a small list to tackle today and I made good progress. All my finances needed sorting for the end of the year and in recent weeks have been neglected. As I sorted I wrote letters to inform people of my change of name. Even my driving license has now been done. By mid-afternoon progress was pleasing but then I could not get the printer to work for a few things I needed. So frustrating! I did make sure I ate properly.

Lynn popped round. We chatted about how we now have entered a phase of beginning to feel we have 'got over it', i.e. losing Clive, as there are small windows of 'normal', then Wham! it hits you right in the stomach again. The tears flow and the grief seems just as raw. Then after a short period of feeling slightly happy, the guilt can come in - does it mean I love him less because for a while I simply got on with things?

I chose to be on my own this evening. I did make a couple of phone calls and plans which helped. Then I have come back in the office to try to cajoule the printer to work for me. The only consolation is that even if Clive were here he would be very cross and frustrated by it! He wasn't IT minded. The machine would have been slapped by now and he would have probably gone and bought another one! I bet it is something really simple - but I am stumped. I could easily cry but being beaten by a printer would be going very low!!

One piece of good news today was that I have agreed to speak at a conference about my experiences and how others may benefit from them towards the end of May.

Generally though tonight I am deafened by the silence in what was our home. Clive wasn't a quiet figure! I am not tearful. Just quiet and reflective. Maybe having a bit of an 'it's not fair' wallow.

Reckon it's Horlicks time and bed. Tomorrow is another day for us all to work on the Essence of Success. If I can suss this printer that will be mine!!!

Yet I have to conclude that I am making progress. I am able to focus and concentrate for much longer and I can achieve things again. It's just that my Clive isn't here to share it with.

N nite,

Elaine x


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