Elaine Hanzak's Blog: Taking the sticks back

I got myself ready to go to see Clive's knee surgeon. The drive was poignant as last time I did it was the 16th Feb to bring Clive home. He was so pleased with his new knee and being discharged two days earlier than usually recommended added to his high self-esteem that illness/recovery was something your mind and attitude could control.

He'd asked me to take in chocs and a card for the staff in which he said the service he'd received was higher than some 5* hotels. He hugged everyone as usual before he left.

I took his sticks and unused dressings back into the Clifton Treatment Centre only to be told the surgeon wasn't there! He will ring me.

I was disappointed but it means I don't have to go back. I also miss seeing the hunky doctor! When we had been initially to see him Clive had pointed out the sexuality part on the patient details. After seeing him Clive said he could consider changing!!

As we left on the 16th we met Maggie and Dave on their way in. They had been the landlady and landlord of The Coach and Horses where Clive had spent many hours of his life! Since they retired we haven't seen much of them so it was a lovely meeting. Maggie looked fab and there were more hugs.

From the clinic he said he wanted to go shopping! His 'pay-it-forward' belief had got him involved with a group of people on Facebook who were all going to exchange handmade gifts. He wanted canvases to do his pictures so insisted on me driving us to Wilkinsons where less than two days of having a new knee fitted he walked around the store!

We had tea and he had a scone ( I was on my Clean 9 programme). He was so adamant to make a quick recovery. He appreciated my concern but kept repeating that he knew best.

He simply would not rest. Did this add to his heart attack? It is too late for Clive but if this was the case I shall make sure others realise! Andy - take note!

So today I got back in my car and rather than have a wasted trip have come to Wilkinsons. Silly? Maybe. I initially wanted to cry and am on the brink of tears. I am sitting where we sat. Why, oh why, did he have to go?

I can hear my Mum saying I am silly to torture myself like this. Yet I am increasingly aware that it is better to face these 'last time' moments.

I have left the house for a while which is good. My letters have been posted. I also have just been asked to speak at an event in May in Cardiff!

So I had better go home and put my profile together for it!

Wilkinsons cafe is full of retired couples wearing fleeces! Many look brassed off with each other! I wonder how many will be back here one day by themselves wishing their dead spouse was still here, bugging them in some way? For sniffing, for stirring their tea in that way, for gulping?!

The difference is that Clive and I weren't retired. We weren't married - yet. We were blissfully in love. I miss him more than words can say. He isn't here physically but in every other way he is.

And right now he is saying 'break over. Let's get back to work baby'.

So I will. With a smile on my face and his love running through and round me like a stick of rock.

I ask you this - who are you with right now that maybe you could show a small gesture of appreciation? It might even be a smile. Please, for Clive and I, make someone feel special.

And flipping heck! Paolo Nutini is now playing overhead our happy tune, 10 out of 10.

As I walked out, this played .. cheesy I know, but indulge me!