Saturday, 9 April 2011

A tough afternoon

After I had done my blogs for the last couple of days I was faced by many choices. I was on my own. I knew I was tired from yesterday. I knew I could 'do nothing' but that's not me.
As it was sunny I put some shorts on which I'd got last year. There was no way I could wear them without a belt as they fell down! I used one of Clive's belts to hold them up. I put a vest top on - the first of the year.
I had planned on cleaning. It was too nice to do that.
I was going to cut the back lawn. Couldn't be bothered.
I have loads of emails to deal with but I wanted to have a day out of the office, like we used to.
I then got myself into 'what we would have been doing'.
It was Grand National Day. I was never fussed about horse racing until I met Clive. He showed me how to bet and we'd had some lovely days out at the races.
I decided I fancied having a drink in Tad for the afternoon and watching the race but wasn't sure who would be about. Maybe I should have arranged it sooner?

I wandered aimlessly around the house not knowing what to do. I thought of going to my Mums but there are things I need to do here.

I still was in an 'I don't know what to do' mood. I was trying to remember what we'd done last Grand National Day. I looked in my journal and read we'd been at the  City Inn in Leeds for one of Clive's abundance days, where a group of like-minded people would meet up and just share ideas. From those days I have got some good friends. We had finished not long after lunch and driven back home with the roof down. We'd been into the bookies, placed small bets on the National, watched it at The Queen, not won and come home for a relaxed rest of the day.

I went into the back garden with the intention to do the lawn. I could see him by the shed.
I came inside and I could see him on the settee.

But then I got a huge wave of missing Clive. My life just seems so empty without him. Lost. I feel lost. I know I have so much love around me but it's not him. My life has changed beyond recognition these seven weeks. I miss him so much.

I just had to get out of the house. I ran next door to Michelle but they were out. I am so conscious other people have their lives to get on with, I don't like to intrude but I needed a hug from someone! I didn't know if my Mum and Dad would be back from the Lakes so I just got in my car and drove to Lynn and Rod's, sobbing.

Lost. Lost. Lost. All I could hear myself saying. This time last year, we had plans, we had each other, a future. Now I don't know where I am going. I want to do more of what I did yesterday with speaking but it is an irregular income and you always have to be ahead of the game and always looking for bookings. Do I give it up and find a regular job? What would I do? Where do I go? Where do I live if I can't stay here? So many dilemmas. No answers. Now one to share it with. Lost. I am lost.

Lynn and Rod had Sue, Scott and the girls there. After an hour or so, with plenty of cuddles and a hug from baby Teagan and her Dad Nick I began to feel much better. The wave of grief subsided. Rod offered to come and cut the grass for me which I duly and gratefully accepted.

I came home and made a bit of lunch. Rod followed me and a couple of hours passed with us both gardening and doing outside jobs. He fixed the bird table for which had broken in the winds last week. He filled my screen wash. He sorted out the gladioli stored in the shed by Clive in autumn and I replanted them. We both just 'got on' but with an air of sadness. As a couple you just don't appreciate what the other one does until they are not there. It was good to have the gardens look tidy and some 'odd jobs' done. After a cup of tea and chat Rod left and I then got busy for a while, unpacking from yesterday, tidying around. I just could not settle to anything for long.

I know that today I had to come down from yesterday's high. I know my stiff neck hasn't helped. It's Saturday. I can't but help 'replay' 19th February.

I noticed a phone message from my Mum and we had a chat. I know it's hard for her and Dad as it's so hard to help me. I simply want Clive back. And it's not possible.

Lynn came round as we had planned with a Chinese take-away and we have just watched 'Mamma Mia'. It was fun and I had asked if she would come as it was one of the first films Clive and I had seen at the cinema. He was such fun to be with! Most films and musicals I saw with him were even better as he was so entertaining to observe! I loved his childlike reactions to things and how open he was with his emotions. If he found it funny he would laugh out loud, loudly! If he was moved, the tears would flow freely. If he was bored, he'd fidget and sigh. Both Lynn and I laughed with it tonight too.

Now I have come up to bed. I am not tearful. I just want to fast-forward to a time when everything is less painful. Secure. I don't like feeling lost and empty.

I am so, so grateful for all the support I have. I would be far worse without it.

I just want my Clive back. But he's gone.

Sleep time now. Tomorrow is another day, ey?

Elaine x

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