Friday, 29 April 2011

When the floor falls away ..

Well what a lazy but relaxed day! Mum and I have sat all day watching the Royal Wedding and soaked up every second!

I was quite happy watching as I know Clive had planned to play golf and 'wasn't fussed' about it.
Mum and I enjoyed the outfits; the pomp and ceremony and London at its best.

Catherine's dress and her stunning sister reminded me of the wedding in a 'Sound of Music' - this is why ..

I now feel rather anti-climatic. I suppose this is the first time I have allowed myself to 'stop' and just sit. It has dawned on me how tired I am. I also feel increasingly lost. I don't know where I want to be.

I had invites to be out in Tadcaster tonight and most probably if Clive had still been alive, we would be there now. Instead I have had to speak to two people today that didn't know he had died. I know that will happen for a while.

The romance of today has hit me in several ways. I am really happy for the newly-weds today - they do appear to be very much in love and have an exciting life ahead of them. Yet seeing their glances and obvious affection makes me realise again what I have lost.

I just had a look at a BBC guide of losing your partner. They claim that it can take up to two years to begin to get over the initial grief and up to five years to feel you get back to a normal life again. So perhaps I am expecting too much of myself after 10 weeks?

Clive often disregarded quoted 'recovery times' as being for people who would use any excuse to prolong challenges! When he had his first knee replaced in November he was given a six week post-op recovery. He wanted to drive within four weeks but I was adamant that he must not and endanger his knee and insurance! At his six week physio session, after which he was discharged, there was another lady in the room who had also had her knee replaced - 12 weeks earlier. She was still asking for a 'sick note'. The physio asked what she did - PE teacher? Nurse?  no - she apparently worked in an office and 'occasionally had to get up to use the photocopier'!!! 

So for his second operation on the 14th February he was even more determined to prove how quickly he could be back out on his bike. I can't help wonder did all this add to pressure on his heart? I know that we all can be tempted to prolong 'recovery' but on the other hand doesn't rest and recuperation aid it in the long run?

Like depression, bereavement has no easy time line, like a physical operation does. There are no tangible scars to see. No improvement in range of movement, etc. All the advice tells you there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Perhaps that is what makes it harder. A friend of mine who also has suffered the loss of a partner explained the times when 'the floor falls away'. It's like that sometimes - you are in free fall, not knowing where to go or what to hang onto.

So for the rest of today I shall continue just to 'sit', and as Clive would say 'stop should-ing all over myself' - i.e. be kind to myself and stop bombarding my brain with things I feel I should be doing.

I am going to spend tomorrow with friends and Dominic, then arrange to see others over the weekend before I have to 'get on' with work related matters next week.

Elaine x

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