Always

Today is proving to be a challenging one. Don't read any further if you want cheering up!!!!

Why?

• It's Saturday - 9 weeks since he died. I still can't help but relive 'this time that Saturday'
• I am exhausted - mentally and physically after all the decorating and room shifting.
• My body is telling me 'enough' as for the first time in months my hysterectomy scar is aching and so is my shoulder.
• I have got so giddy this week in order to do my bedroom and my new office.
• It's supposed to be a 'Happy' Easter - no comment.
• Perhaps because I have made no plans I am in limbo and that isn't good for me.

So you will have sussed by now that I am in upset mode today! I am even too tired to talk to anyone. I have a case of 'can't be bothered itis' too!!!

So what have I done?

After chatting to my house guests this morning when they left I decided I would go to the Outlet Village and get Dom a few things for his 15th birthday on Tuesday. Rod asked me yesterday if I had used Clive's car for a while because it's not good to leave it standing for weeks. It was a local run, hot and sunny - good idea.

I put in the Chris Isaak CD in my bag to play but once in the car realised I hadn't! It had slipped down the side. That annoyed me. I called in at the petrol station as fuel was flashing empty. I couldn't get the petrol cap off - it must have expanded and tightened in all the heat. I asked a man to help, which he did followed by the comment 'make sure you put the right petrol in'! Damn cheek!

In the queue to pay I was behind him and when he turned back with a 'it's the pathetic female' look I gave him what for! Poor guy! I explained I wasn't normally so pathetic but it was my late partner's car and I was taking it out because I didn't want it to die on me like he had done!
Shame on me! I know it wasn't his fault but for once I reversed 'pay-it-forward' and slapped it back.
The next guy in the queue did that 'male thing' of not looking at me, but at my cleavage. What is it with guys and cleavages? I wanted to slap him too!!!

I got back on the A64 and couldn't find a radio station that didn't bug me and was cross with myself about leaving the CD. Today I hated driving his car. I resented the fact he wasn't in it. All the talk on the radio about people getting together just irritated me more and more. By the time I got to the Outlet Village I was beside myself in tears. I wrestled with the idea I should just turn back but that would have been pointless. Instead I had the most miserable shopping trip. Every shop I looked in reminded me of Clive and happy memories but today I am just angry and so upset that he isn't here.

I admit that financially I am very worried so I wasn't even enjoying getting Easter bunnies! And why is it that you see lovely things for yourself when you feel you cannot spend? I was going to at least have a coffee in Pret a Manger but the queue was huge - I would probably have just cried into it!

I did get a few things including four picture frames for my office which are in the same light wood as my desk - using a credit note I had. The assistant was absolutely lovely, chatting whilst she carefully wrapped them. She just managed to get a weak smile from me (and no, she didn't get my story!)

I drove home with the roof down and let my hair just waft in the breeze but I drove slowly and annoyed a few lorry drivers.  Tough.

I came home and opened the post - a cheque for some travel expenses and a card from a college friend who has sent her soon to be 50 husband to the doctors for a check-up as a result of Clive's passing. Also there was a copy of  'Speak Out against Stigma' newspaper which I had been interviewed about. There is a huge two page article on me. Even that didn't cheer me up.

There were more brochures from companies I have rung and told to remove us from their mailing lists. Why do their 'systems' take so long to catch up with requests? The waste must be huge.

I went and had a sob to Mark and Michelle who had just got a new BBQ and was invited to join them later. Great.
I decided to make the most of the sun and actually allow myself to relax in it. Lynn called and I moaned at her too. I really can't be bothered to talk today even.

I asked Lynn to put sun cream on my back as that was something else I had wept about - no-one to do that for me!

I then settled to listen to Lionel on my iPod and began to relax. Bliss. I began to think of the last time I sunbathed - on deck of our cruise last September. I remembered a photo of the night I got very merry and was a heap of giggles. Clive kept telling me how adorable I was. I was so very, very happy. We had so much to look forward to. Once I flopped into bed, still giggling, he took this:-

He had written 'Always' on it and put it on our vision board. I have just put it in a new frame. He told me he wanted me to be as happy and as fun as I was that night - always.

Dear, oh dear. What would he say about me today?

The sun has gone in and the rain clouds are gathering. Too true.

I feel like I am in the middle of a most turbulent storm. I know that one day I will look back on this and reflect how tough it was but 'it too passed and made me stronger'.

I don't want to be strong. I just want Clive.

I try and try to be positive. I know he wouldn't want me to be unhappy. I know I probably should go to my parents - a cuddle with baby Sophie would be good. I am just sooo tired though. I haven't the energy.

I know that is the problem today. So what can I do about it?

Well for starters once I finish this I should ban myself from my Blackberry, Facebook, texts, etc for the rest of today.
I should smarten myself up and go and enjoy the BBQ next door, providing the rain stays off. I will have a few glasses of rose wine and watch some rubbish television later and go to bed early.

Tomorrow is another day and I shall probably go west to my family. Time for some serious rest I reckon and time with my son.

Elaine x