Thursday, 14 April 2011

I know I am being daft ....

I fully expect being shot down like a ton of bricks ...

I know all the facts about today ..
  • still suffering from stomach cramps but have stayed out of the bathroom
  • no proper food for almost 48 hours
  • feeling overwhelmed about everything
  • tired, rundown
  • 54 days since my soul mate went
  • worries of my future
  • concern over finances
I could go on  but I won't.

I did at least sleep last night, eventually, and had a couple of chats with Dom and John Hotowka.

I went to sleep feeling sore and comforted by my microwave pets but proud I hadn't shed a tear all day - first time I think.
This morning I chatted to Molly Harvey and was still feeling positive.

Trouble was that my body wasn't! It felt like a lead weight so I stayed in bed. I watched television and again thought of my 'list' in the office. It just feels like too much. I dozed off for a while then spoke to my parents, still upbeat. Lying in the bedroom in the day isn't good as it shows up how much it wants decorating! We had chosen and have got all the wallpaper, bedding, curtains, etc. and the plan was to do it over Easter weekend. I still want to. All I can see when I look at the side of our bed is Clive on the floor being attended to by paramedics. I also know he would want me to brighten up the bedroom with what we had chosen. Mum and Dad will help me next week with it. But in my head I want it done NOW!

On 'Loose Women' today then spoke briefly about grief. Cilla Black was on and she said she had whole days in bed after her Bobby died. Paul O'Grady had taken her to The Maldives to cheer her up. Any takers??!!!

It isn't me to say in bed though. I could hear Clive again saying 'Motion creates Emotion'. I went into the office and turned on the computer. The emails continue to pile up. No sooner have I answered one another six come in. I looked at a couple but my head wasn't working.

Physical stuff?  So I ironed the bedding for the spare room ready for my friend on Saturday. I miss Clive SO MUCH. I miss him cuddling me. I miss his voice. I miss his singing.

Then this came on the radio ..

We would have been making wedding plans, instead where am I going? What will I do? The uncertainties dance in my mind along with fear, loneliness for Clive, money, etc. etc.

I don't want to see anyone in case this bug is contagious but I am also not used to being completely on my own.

I had a few letters to post so again I thought 'exercise' and have just walked to the postbox and back. It felt like miles and miles! As I walked back I looked at the daffodils we had planted - they are brilliant this year. I stroked his car as I walked up the drive. The ache is unbearable for him. I walked in and just sat on the floor by the door and sobbed and sobbed.

My Mum keeps rightly telling me not to torture myself. I guess I am not right anywhere. If I am here Clive is all around me. Our home. Our memories. If I am not here my heart and mind is.

Then I get texts and emails from lovely friends asking how I am.

Sad is the answer.

But I do feel a bit better so am going to have egg and chips for tea. I have a new frying pan (thanks Dom) to try. It's my comfort food. I might not get any further than a mouthful but I will give it a go. I have a weekend planned with friends and then my parents next week to get rid of those yellow walls!

So yes I have cried today, I have rested .... I just have to remember to be kind to myself. I am not good at that.

Now to that frying pan ....

Elaine xx

No comments: