Friday, 22 April 2011

A Good Friday

It must have been after 2.30 a.m. when I finally got to sleep last night and I was awake by 8 - I kept my eyes closed for a while but to no avail!

I was up, dressed, breakfasted and ready for my next task pretty soon after that - clear the 'Ebay ' room to become my new office.

First I chatted to Dom to check on his plans and as he was busy filming 'Gone' I got busy. It was surprisingly quick moving things into our current office and bit by bit Clive's desk became buried under luggage, pictures, ornaments and other such things. I didn't feel upset as he had been saying for ages we should do this.

Rod came to sort out the television in the main bedroom which wouldn't tune in - apparently cable tv doesn't like carpet gripper rods - they pinch the signal!!

Whilst we waited for Mark next door to be ready to lift the new furniture in Rod and I had a good chat and I actually sat down for a change!!

Rod and Mark worked really well to get my new, big, curved desk into place, with drawers underneath it. I love it! For now a wardrobe will have to stay in here until I can face clearing out Clives clothes - not a chance yet.

Michelle and Jemma popped in to look at it too. From a houseful everyone left and I put Magic FM on just in time for one of our songs ...

That prompted tears from my toes upwards and a massive sense of loss. WHY ISN'T HE HERE TO ENJOY ALL THIS WITH ME???????? It just is so unfair. I closed my eyes. Hugged myself and let the music just take me with it. I wish so much that I could have a smooch with my Clive again. We were SO in love. We relished breathing the same air. Stolen. Robbed. Bereft.

The song ended and I could hear him say 'It's happened. Deal with it'.  So I did!

I was back and to across the landing and within a couple of hours my new Empire was born. I even have a lamp on the window ledge so there is a wonderful sense of calmness in here. It feels a little odd too but at least I haven't got the 'empty desk' notion next to me. I have surrounded myself with pictures of Dom, Clive, myself, Sophie, Ruby and Emily, etc. I have also brought our chart for 'Our home' of plans for the future. I have been able to cross some things off it - or rather in highlighter pen so you can still see what you have achieved rather then scrub it out. Sadly some of the joint things and Clive's aim for his golf handicap by his 55th birthday have been put in an envelope. I have to be realistic.

It is a step closer to my new life. A new beginning. It is still very, very painful but I have to carry on, don't I? Clive's life is a loss but it would be doubly pointless if I gave up.

I have Ruby and Emily's grandparents staying with me over Easter. It was good to see them and I did stop to have a drink in the sunshine with them. They had stayed with us last Easter too.

Finally my new office is well on it's way. The new 'spare room' is a disaster area but I can close the door on it and bit by bit sort through it. I do have a very conducive room now to work in.

So how have my new rooms fitted into my HANZAK principles of coping?

Hope - I hoped that they would make me feel better and give me a 'new' start. Done.
Attitude - I could have chosen the 'what's the point' attitude, instead I decided to try - so glad I did.
Needs - I wanted and needed to change some of the past images I had, especially of the night Clive died. That has worked.
       Nurtured - I do feel special
       Education - I have learnt to wallpaper!
       Exercise - I ache in places I didn't know existed!
       Diet - I have really got my appetite back
       Sleep - not brilliant but at least I enjoy going o bed which is a massive step forward
Zest - It has been fun to do. I have also given myself some new sensory changes in the sight, feel, smell and touch of my new rooms.
Altogether - I cannot thank all my 'team' enough. It began as Clive and I and extended to my parents, Lynn and Rod, Mark and Michelle.
Kindness - I have been to myself, even if I have pushed myself and worked physically hard, ultimately it should help me mentally to feel more organised and preparing for my future as opposed to mourning the lost one. And of course, the ultimate kindness of those who have supported me.

The rest of the Easter weekend as yet remains unplanned. Just maybe I deserve a little time to 'chill out'?

I admit that I am feeling very proud and pleased tonight - and Clive would be saying 'Get you, baby', before wrapping me up in those strong, powerful arms and kissing me so tenderly, the rest of the world evaporated.

N nite,

Elaine xx

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